That's exactly what it was. With walls draped in tapestries of golden thread and platters of beautiful meals that were tasteless. Like a prized bird, for the eyes to see and the ears to hear but never for its embrace of life. Never for that singular sparkle or that breath of purity.

A ghost of a crown jewels and mystical *****. Like a shadow of what once was majestic and desired, shrouded by the chains that hold.

There used to be a time when each breath was clear of ash
When my hands weren't bloodied with someone else's pain
I didn't fully comprehend just how long I've been on this train
How long my lungs have been at a standstill
It's been awhile since I've been able to see
through the frosted windows and it's been even longer
since I've wanted to do more than just
watch the world pass me by

I remember a time when smiles weren't forced
and the only real evil was not having pancakes for dinner
I've missed the warmth of an embrace and the
comfort of having someone else's hand in mine

I was once asked to write a story about the intricacies of my world and my first response was to say that it's a type of cognitive dissonance. It is a crashing of two worlds - fantasy and reality - within the cacophony inside of me. It was looking right and seeing what was left; lifting my eyes to the sky to have it pour it sorrows onto me.

I told them that it was division. Wanting and needing against the best chance they could have. It was desire and survival; a mess of paint on cracked dry wall. It was the phantom touch of the last time you held me and it was the ghost of a smile in the pictures of us.

My world was one tune after another. Each varying in tone, touch and speed; a racing heart, a slow breath and a deafening scream. Inspiration clouded by the doubt of a self-deprecating voice in my head. Cancellation after cancellation under the dim lights to the sight of the midnight moon.

A soft lull in the background that reaches and coaxes and comforts.
You'll be okay, I promise. You'll be okay.
An unheard sigh that never escapes the lungs, softly shutting eyes and a crease in your forehead. Discordant notes in a piano.
No, please don't. Yes, you need to.
And there was nothing like spending hours staring at the vast ocean, releasing myself of it all.
Taking in the sins of others and breathing them out as my own.

Someone once asked me to tell them about my world and all I could see in my mind was the soft brown eyes of a soul in pain.

It's the hardest thing to think about you. To miss your voice, your presence, your friendship, your trust, your honesty, your cruelty. Nothing hurts quite as much as losing you. Not my first heartbreak, not my innocence being ripped away from me. I can let go of so many things, you are not one of them.

You made a choice. And I respect you and the choices you make.

It was so hard at the start... When every lie and every truth and every ounce of pain was something I wanted to tell you about. You were my best friend, my confidante, my breath of air while I was drowning, my lifeline. Everything I wanted to live for was you. But I wasn't everything for you. I was a phase, a hopeless act, a temporary fix. You deemed me unworthy and in all honesty, it was how I was. It's how I am.

And I love you. I would have given up my life for you. I would have given up everything for you. And I did. I gave you up. I didn't fight. I didn't scream. I didn't get angry. All I could do was tell you that I love you. It still hurts. 18 months down the road and it still hurts as much as the very first day.

He picked me up in his dad's car and drove around without any idea of where we were to go.
There was a deepness in him that I wanted to fall into but I chalked it up to loneliness on my part.
We spent the first half a friendly distance and as the evening got colder and the rain got heavier, I let him hold my hand.
And he did so, without question, willingly for the longest time.
I made a joke that he was just using me for my warmth and so I wouldn't smack him but with the smoothness and innocence of untouched velvet he said he'd just never held hands so soft.
I was almost floored.
And he continued saying our hands just fit together, which they did.
I could barely think.
We left the car and walked in the rain and watched the sunset.
When we got back to the car we just hung around it, talking, laughing, making jokes.
And as the conversation got serious, he looked at me, tugged on my hand and said come here.
Then he held me; and there was a tenderness as much as there was an urgency, like I would disappear if he let me go.
That was when I couldn't help but let my guards down, when I let myself find comfort in his hold on me.
It's now the day after Christmas and I miss him already.