I will not move another
Quarter inch in your direction.
For tireless miles I've walked in the past,
To seek out un-offered affection.
Instead, I'll stop and wait for you,
To realize that you want me too!

And if that time shall never come,
And unveils a true opportunity,
To feel a hand press into mine,
And receive kisses unbegrudgingly,
I'll about face and willingly go,
To unafraid one with love to show.

It feels like coming home.
An inner warmth when I enter.
The smells of comfort food.
Like another world, another's life.
A day without agenda.
Glutton without remorse.
Robe and slippers and cocoa.
A crackling fire.
A swollen heart.
All is right.
You feel like coming home.

You don't seem to understand,
But you seem to hear.
You try to whisper something,
But the words aren't very clear.
Soon you will not talk at all.
They say that time is near.
That we've shared our final look,
Is my biggest fear.

I finally had to leave your room,
It hurt too much to stay.
I just can't sit there helpless,
Not knowing what to say.
Wondering if you even know,
That I am there anyway.
More use am I in the chapel,
At least there I can pray.

I can"t act strong anymore,
Be the only tearless eye,
So to comfort all the others,
Not allow myself to cry.
I've pent it up for many days,
Now I'm scared to even try.
But I think that it is my turn now,
My turn to say Goodbye.

The crimson garment has fallen away,
Revealing a cover that's white and sheer.
A simpleness replacing undeserved shame,
A rebirth replacing muddled with clear.

Affected no more by past regrets,
Obscurity abounds no more,
Transformation of wayward self,
Into a soul, authentic and pure.

Whitened corruption, blacken the pure.
Lead simple virtue, confused to thy door.
Utter entrapment; shriek to abscond.
Loveable hatred; relinquished bond.
Invisible knave with power to impose,
Weigh out the reason;  make light of prose.

Heart!
With your dull, throbbing core!
Cease this yearning!
Cease this unrelentless hunger!
Cease this irrational ideation!
Ever increasing, heartbeat by heartbeat!
Each one beating harder, heavier, more powerful than the last!
Proceeding! Proceeding! Proceeding!
Repeating! Repeating! Repeating!
Thumping! Thumping! Thumping!
Beating! Beating! Beating!
Dictator!
Heart!
End this insanity!
Ere I cut you out myself!

Where's the steamer headed, love,
To a land I do not know?
Will the faces of my loved ones be there,
I'm not sure that I should go.

You see this man in Sussex,
Is a good man so I'm told,
And I believe he'll take care of me,
When I grow gray and old.

And true I do not feel the same,
About him as I do you,
If I step into that harbor, love,
I'll lose the life I knew.

Do you think that what we feel,
Might fade ...as passion can, you know.
Or will our love last a lifetime,
Can you guarantee me it will grow?

You see, I'm not the type of girl,
Who gives into affairs of the heart.
I can not board your steamer, love,
To Sussex...I'll carry your heart.

I know once you have heard this,
Your love will seem a lie.
And it hurts me very deeply, love,
But I must say goodbye.

I feel the arms that hold me now,
But they do not touch with care.
They do not know my heart like you,
Or the hurt that lingers there.
They do not know my damaged pride,
They'll never know my fears.
They will never come to love me,
Or wipe away my tears.
But if I squeeze my eyes shut tight,
My heart almost thinks it true,
That the arms that hold me now,
Belong, my love to you........

You see by the candle,
But don't get burned,
That's all because....
I hold it.

And that thing that seems,
To do as you bid,
That's only because....
I scold it.

That breeze that comes,
When you just so need it,
It comes because....
I blow it.

And the love that you feel,
That you deserve,
You only find because ....
I show it.

And that welcome bed,
Where you always lie,
Is there because....
I make it.

And the pain you flail,
So deliberately,
Hurts only as long as...
I take it!

Oh! With what diligent effort,
Did you once seek a love?
And found it almost perfect,
What you had the offer of?
And then with careless disregard,
Inspection and with creed,
Give up that almost perfect love,
That you felt you did not need?
Then while it vaguely wandered,
Did you call out a time or two?
Wishing that now perfect love,
Would come right back to you?
Love, it seeks a welcome home,
It doesn't beat a darkened door,
And it will choose a foreigner,
Over one it's loved before.
But it teaches a certain lesson,
While the season's timely close,
That almost perfect love becomes,
More perfect as it goes..............

Be my guide, direct my path, as I blindly *****.
Make pure my actions and encompass the whole.
Simplify what the false rights have turned twisted.
Decipher what was given from what I have stole.

Turn me to embrace an unknown angle,
I make this plea from your higher power.
For many a year has passed away, wasted,
And my minutes hastily become their hour.

Bequeath to me a faith with no evidence,
To nurse my heart and my head in kind.
Remove the falacy of presumed knowledge,
Feed my eternal soul, not my feeble mind.

And, if your will, unveil to my neglected eye,
Your drawn line between pleasure and pain.
A clearer sense of reason, but yet also of heart,
Revealing certain, a great loss; a great gain.

Expose to me, please, your most preferred slant,
And beam the light that once formerly shown.
Temper my decision, Lord, and return me to where,
The choice was not mine, and not mine alone.

For wit, time exposed, as a false friend.
Who has failed me, time and then time again.
And led me here, to where I am now lost,
Blind and resentful of what should have been.

Overabundance turns the wise into fools,
Though the complex may shrug off the grief.
As time passes on, lightheartedness void,
Sole wisdom's been proven a thief.

Lift off the burden, the weight, and the fear,
Of holding my destiny within my hands.
I have found it a burden too heavy to bear,
And I ask to be moved - not to understand.

I was sure I held a certainty,
As sure as if I could touch.
Secure it would always be there,
And I treasured it so much.

I tended to it very diligently,
Acquired all the needed tools.
Followed all the instructions,
(Instructions written by fools.)

I nurtured it with loving care,
Offered all of the staple demands,
Listened to all of its' concerns,
Held it safely in both of my hands.

I presented it all, all of my own self,
Completely, not hoarding even a part,
Certain that the same care that I gave,
Would be returned in kind to my heart.

This delusion soon proved untrue,
And the effort I had given was denied.
I must have grasped it too tightly,
And the less I got, the harder I tried.

"I think I can still salvage this."
"Maybe I have misunderstood?"
For it was such a certainty.
I could try again. I should!

My good nature was overlooked,
My intentions; perceived wrong.
"That must be it! It had to be!"
Why would certainty say, "So long?"

I will send a letter just to make sure,
I will place just one more text,
No response? They weren't delivered!
Now what should I do next?

It can not be that I'm being ignored,
When I have given my best.
Then the words that burned like fire,
"Please just give it a rest."

I long for understanding,
To ease my spirits' mind.
And search so hard for answers
That I will never find.

And now I've been forgotten,
So forgotten I shall be.
Hoping soon that the reason,
Won't matter much to me.

And move on with the knowledge,
That there is no certainty.

No matter how many friends I have,
Or how much advise that I hear,
At the end of the race,
It is I who must face,
The fact that you're no longer here.

Many mistakes I am sure I did make,
For I am not perfect you see.
Neither were you,
So all I could do,
Is let you walk away from me.

I 0ffered you all that I had to give,
Gave you all of my best.
It was not enough,
So I let you go,
GOD will take care of the rest.

I remember when I was a young girl, lying on my bed, with the oversized pink comforter, and reading.

Reading romance novels.

Novels that always began with a girl, to which I immediately identified myself, who was alone.

And out of nowhere, this mysterious, incredibly masculine, charming, and great looking man, would sweep into her life, and she would fall in love.

Most times she would not admit it, but rather, play hard to get, and misperceive some action of his in the wrong way and think him a pig, but still love him anyhow.

They ALWAYS ended , however, with everything working out and them both professing this larger than life love for each other, and THE END.

Ok so now I am all grown up... and life hasn't even slightly resembled any one of the novels I read.

And I guess after all this time it is easier not to believe....I mean after all...they were all fiction.

Where is the non-fiction romance section at the bookstore?...oh I know there isn't one.

Shame on all these authors for disillusioning me and so many other young girls.

And somewhere in my sick little mind...I am still searching for it...and think that quite possibly I may have found it...there is only one problem...my courage has been wore down after all these years and I fail to act.

Can I write a book about that?

Stand tall, with clear vision, do not falter.
Speak with conviction and do not alter.
Avoid inner delvings, utilize calm and tact.
Now it's time to close the heart, focus on the fact.
Emotions disassemble what tireless effort has constructed.
And many an empathetic man, by heart has been destructed.
This is a business transaction.

Truth needs not be embellished,
Nor decorated, nor placed in ornate field,
For it is beauty of itself,
Whether hidden or revealed.
It promises no virtue,
It promises no glee,
But by it's very nature,
It is just as it should be.
While flattery leads to common,
And pretense takes it's care ,
Truth becomes more valuable ,
Because it is more rare.
I'd deafen my ears forever,
To a hundred praises heard ,
For just a minute hint of truth,
In a simple honest word.
Truth needs not be embellished,
Nor decorated, nor placed in ornate field,
For it is beauty of itself,
Whether hidden or revealed.

i like to swing sideways
and laugh when i am alone
i like to stand naked in the rain in the summertime
and leave naughty messages to myself on my phone

i love to clean my ears
and tickle a spot on my right hip
and i like to wear reading glasses i dont need on my head
and i like to play with this little hair thats on my upper lip

i love the smell of gasoline
i like to shave my arms and feet
i like to bite my toenails off (come on doesnt everybody)
i love to smear mayo and jelly on almost every kind of meat

i love vinegar on broccoli
i almost always like to feel sad
Most people i know think im just plain old crazy
But the one who knows me best calls me barking mad!!!!!!!!

Straight back chairs and tiny round tables,
Nearby Homer and Aesop's fables,
Stoic posture and wire-rimmed glasses,
All gather together after classes.

In the afterglow of prodigal, there is found a sour taste,
One of worthless memories, and of time that was a waste.
A bitterness which became ingrown by neglectful disconnect,
Which thrives on learned indifference and a lack of self respect.
And as for needs, there are not many, shy of another breath.
But even that is questionable, still there is no desire for death.
A ticking clock with broken hands, there's no edge on the knife,
Thus only the heartbeat's contrary to, an empty pointless life.

There is a man in Sussex,
To whom I will belong.
I have never even met him,
And now it feels so wrong.

And as I stand in the city square,
Searching the crowds for you,
I feel my heart may just stop beating,
For there's nothing I can do.

Promises were made and I was given,
With a nod and firm handshake.
And before I had known you, my love,
I never knew my heart could break.

Part of me wants to risk it all,
Security and even name,
But I just can't disgrace my family
And impress them with that shame.

So let's just spend a day in the park,
And secretly pretend,
That we will always be together,
And this will never end.

Let's discreetly turn the corner,
To that alley on the right,
And kiss with all the longing,
And hold each other tight.

Let me smell the scent of you,
and let me breathe you in.
So I can save that memory,
And bring you back again.

In less than just a fortnight,
My stay here will be ending,
And I will begin my new life,
My life of just pretending.

Words are meaningless
Love is beautiful before it breaks you.
Tears change nothing.
Real is rare and unacceptable.
Hope dies swiftly
Sharing yourself leaves you empty
Exposing your soul is suicide.
And I am no one special.

Enjoy the blessings we are given,
And take for granted none,
Share all of who we really are,
With each and everyone.

Oh my sweet, sweet gentleman,
Who has taught me how to love.
I decided I will run away with you,
And share the stars above.

I thought so very long and hard,
Of the decision I should make.
And realized if I went to Sussex,
It would be a huge mistake.

So I waited until after dusk,
And packed a few small things.
And then I planned that I would leave,
When I heard the church bell rings.

And when they did I tiptoed,
Down the corridor and to the street.
Where there stood my trusted friend,
Who had arranged with me to meet.

We traveled East to the harbor,
The steamer was not hard to miss.
And anxiously I hurried along,
To greet you with a kiss.

Conspicuously I wandered about,
Until I found cabin two- eleven.
And then I pushed the door open a bit,
To steal a sight of heaven.

Instead I saw you lying there,
With a maiden much less fair,
I sauntered up, spit in your face,
And left your sorry *** there!

If my heart could purge every mistake,
Made for nothing but pretense sake,
Just where would I be now?

{Well it can't...so I just don't know
How befitting! that hope should go}

If my mind could still and never sway,
So many times throughout every day,
Would I still err somehow?

{Well it won't and I'm sure I will
I'm not the type meant to be still}

If my hands would only long to hold,
The two same hands until I grew old,
Would I wish to savor?

{But they don't and I don't think so
And just why I may never know}

And so I will choose to conform to me
I'll be kind and flippant, and also free
And do myself that favor.

In my little coffee shop,
Is where I long to be,
Filled with old and dusty books,
In the hills of Tennessee.

Every morning the same will come,
With a little gossip to share.
And hang out in my lil' coffee shop,
Where time isn't even a care.

I hope there will be some who read,
And some who play some games.
And it won't be very long 'til I,
Know every single one of their names.

And they will feel like family,
The shop will feel like home,
And I will have found where I belong,
With no need more to roam.

In my little coffee shop,
Is where I long to be,
Filled with old and dusty books,
In the hills of Tennessee.