In the midst of grey
It feels safe
Within the gloom
There is calm
Time passes differently here
Silently like a phantom
Slow enough to touch
And hold the moment

1.Go out alone. Don't arrive with an obnoxious group of friends that don't get out enough. That's what girls nights out are for.

2. Wear something neutral. Don't put too much time into getting ready. Keep it classy. No ****** heels.

(btw ...these time tested and ***** approved instructions are for when you are in need of company only. If you are looking for a relationship, love, or some serious life partner, these instructions will not be of use to you.  Trust me on that. )

3. Stay away from cheesy dives, go with hotel lounges, (lots of middle aged conference men there away from their wives just waiting to take full advantage of their freedom. It also allows u to avoid driving anywhere with a complete stranger.)

4. Walk in with your eyes down  and not too quickly.

5. Sit at the bar...right in the center.

6. Order whatever you really want.

7. Scan the room only once or twice.

8. Choose your victim ( whatever you fancy) and  make eye contact.

9. Shift your hips slightly in your seat as if u are already turned on , then look away.

10. Wait to be approached.

11. Make the social introductions but keep small talk to a minimum. He doesn't need to know where u were born or what u do for a living or likewise.

12. Ask to go to his room.

13. Let him think he's in charge until you get there.

14. Then just simply undress, take the top position, place his arms over his head and apply full rocking body weight at all times until your finished.

15. Calmly dress and leave. You can offer a simple "thank you," if you must. (I usually do not), however, never give your real name or leave a number...not even a fake one.
Just go.
It's pretty simple really.

(Safe *** of course...always a must :-))

Always interested in hearing other's techniques...please feel free to share.

1.   Chew 3 pieces of Grape Hubba Bubba at the same time.

2.   Wash your car in the rain in your bathing suit.

3.   Walk in and out of a store over and over again just to be greeted  
       repetitively. (this works best at Racetrak and Cici's Pizza)

4.   Wear comfortable clothes.

5.   Stop caring what you look like.

6.   Sing loudly in your car without any music (even at redlights), with your
      windows rolled down.

7.   Swing, for heaven's sake, swing at the playground.

8.   Be nice to everyone, even the snotty retail girl.

9.   Go to a church where every Sunday the hairs stand up on your arms
      because you feel the presence of GOD.

10.  Visit an old cemetery and just sit for a while.

11.  Say "I love you" at the end of every phone call, especially to the bill
       collectors.

12.  Play a video game with your kids, just so they can laugh at how bad you
       are.

13.  Go without underwear one day.

14.  Read Pope and the Bible.

15.  Once a month eat whatever you want and however much of it you want.

16.  Work out.

17.  Snuggle with the warm body of someone who loves you.

18.  Let a dog lick your face. (it's really not that bad)

19.  Call a random number just to say "hi" to the person who answers.

20.  Be yourself so others can know who you truly are.

He had a way of turning white to black
And contaminating the pure
A smile up front, a stab to the back
Making certainty so unsure

He could turn the future into the past
Find coincidence out of fate
Promise a forever that would not last
And turn a great love into hate

With him there were no losers or winners
There was only the weak and strong
Saw his sins as less than sinners
Was always right and never wrong.

Spare me from suburbia.
I hate the chatter.
And the cookie cutter houses.
And people worrying about what shade of Estee Lauder they need to look 20 years younger.
The bigger the SUV ...the better.
Yeah that's my saying too.
Oh yes it's Doggy Spa day! yippee.
Freakin morons.
Put your Gucci shades back on quick before you get to the underpass and see the man who fought for your freedom so that you can enjoy your Sushi on the right side of town, begging for anything you can spare.
But thats right you have nothing to give, do you.
I mean you couldn't possibly dip into the college fund for little Jessica, who by the way is snorting blow as we speak, in the projects across the tracks, while you think she is attending the high school pep rally, as all good cheerleaders do.
And you might want to slow down just a little bit, because if you reach your hubby's highrise office even just one minute ahead of schedule, Candy won't have time to push her skirt back down, wipe her mouth, and re apply her reading glasses, before you enter...and that would be a bit uncomfortable , don't you think?
Maybe you just better turn around altogether and head back to suburbia baby!
There's a reason you are called a stay-at-home mom.
It's the safest place for you...trust me.
Reality causes varicose veins and then you would need emergency laser surgery to correct it, which would interefere with your PTA meeting this afternoon.

Awakening at 4 am for a needed touch. The stillness requires it, the quiet calls for it, the darkness outright demands it. Expectant, quivering, and ...done. 4:03. Alone.

It is the fickleness of man
That I hate the most.
No one cultivates anymore.
They just give up because it's easy.
No one ever becomes too valuable to lose.
We just keep starting over
And moving on and on
Complaining the whole way
How we never got what we wanted.
Shameful,  that as human beings
With the greatest ability to truly love,
That we rarely do.

Tell me why you look so hard,
And want to delve within?
The heart of a human being,
That's filled with only sin?

Why you feel you want to save,
And make a bad man right?
When for so long... he's been so wrong,
And his soul is black as night?

Why do you never turn your back,
And walk swiftly away?
From one who has ignored you,
Yet once again..today?

Why would you bother fixing,
An old spirit to make it new?
I know I can never understand,
But I am so glad that you do.

I like wildflowers. Just not the ones you picked for me.
And placed in that vase on the table.
They died within 4 hours and left the water cloudy
and putrid smelling.

I like playing games. I'm actually very good at them.
I'm very competitive, you know.
And smart...did you know that?
Smart and intuitive.

I like freedom, too. I'ts like the first breath of air,
After coming up from the shallow end.
It makes me new somehow,
New and alive, very alive.

I don't like promises. I don't make them.
And neither should you.
They just make liars out of otherwise,
Honest people.

every thing is     a lie     a precipated deception
the promises are broken                  before they are made
                                                           the kisses             exchanged    to fool the receiver
The stories  shared
are to
offer false
                                                                       normalcy

The stool in the corner       is to reach the pills
                                           hidden on top of the fridge

                      the locked glove compartment  to keep items out of kids' reach

the cell pocketed to hide the contacts
                                                                                  The eye drops to hide the act
The drill in the bathroom
to unscrew another sealed box
                                                                the bills go to another address

                    there is no rhyme           no reason to
a drug addict's behavior
they                           do                           not                   follow                         rules!
                 everything
they

say is

                                                                         a lie

       So what of a plea for help?

Just how ******* angry can I get now?
Kubler-Ross got an answer for that?
Because I don't. And it isn't looking good from here. All the giving and taking of it. And menial use of a whole. Like a game it is. One where everybody loses but there's always one who loves to lose, isn't there? One who carries sorrow like a ****** sash. One who ignores the cold lonely thought of death, as if it will never come. And so they curse and dismiss the one and only thing that death can't ****. Genuine love. They take the easy way out. ******* cowards. Lying in your beds, just lying there detached and selfish and ugly. And oh how they multiply until there are more and more hideously smiling losers in love with only pride and the pain they inflict on others. Give them a ******* trophy would you? Let them take their ******* bows already and move on. Before a whole new level of wrath is unleashed upon the heartless. Like a ******* flood it will rise to their eyeballs, with one last look at me on my self righteous hill saying, "Told you mother *******." You just don't **** with genuine.

Closest to the memory
Heartaches holding fast
Imagination feeding on
What never was or passed.
Who is it that does not enjoy
Crying all alone at night
Over make-believe scenarios
That never end in right.
Tragedy has always kept
such company for the brain
Illiciting pleasure quite akin to
A funeral in the rain.

The past has become , again , my present.
And yesterday, once again, today.
gain, I let the world fool me into thinking,
That there could be a different way.
Round and round the carousel goes.
Never leaving the track it's on.
And so on and so on, cycles - me.
'Til eventually the hope is gone.
The scenery changes around us,
People? They don't change at all.
Not their acts, ideas, or opinions.
Once fallen?..then again must fall.

Once upon a time, we are children.
Awakening every day with innonence,
and judgement - free naivety.
Hopeful of what each hour may bring.

Once upon a time, we are youthful.
Anxiously awaiting a first kiss, expectant
of new experiences.
Hopeful of what the years may bring.

Once upon a time, we are adults.
Settled into responsibilities, accepting
of our circumstances.
Hopeful of what the decades may bring.

Once upon a time, we are aged.
Reflective of our past paths, resigned to
our current state.
Hopeful of what the darkness may bring.

I can see just where I've been at any given time.
Where I'm going I have no clue.
And it's all because my head's just not on straight,
At least not according to you.

But instead of helping me twist it and turn it,
To get it back on the right way,
You said you needed some time to think,
And then you just walked away.

Call me when you get it all turned around,
Just like the way it was before.
Then, we can fix any problem together,
I mean..That's what true love is for!

All at once....



Just between dusk
And dawn; overnight.
All turned to void.
No dark and no light.
No warmth to be found.
Only shadowless fear,
The sun, though it shone,
Shone nothing clear.
Rain; no relief,
Of endless drought.
Wanting in, wanting in.....
Then wanting back out.
Apathy encircles,
Hope is left behind,
No longer seeking,
Nothing left to find.



All at once....

To know the subject of the words
Makes no difference don't you see
Be it river, lover, universe
All be but the same to me.

I hold tight to the inner core which is me.
It holds all my passion and all of my pride.
Too important and vital to let others see.
The center of all that I am and what I hide.

A possession of priceless value; component key.
To the opinions I hold and all choices I make.
I am unsure if I belong to it or if it belongs to me.
Enduring presence which no force can break.

Without it I would unguidedly wander,
Amidst others so aimlessly lost,
Its' asset I will never dare to squander,
I have no desire to know the cost.

Purposelly given for me; and not to share,
And I will always hold it in the highest revere.
It's worth to me?; the world does not care.
I know it solely, and it soully to me..... is dear

An empty chair
A couple goats
And many sleepless nights
A playlist
A delivery truck
4am headlights
2 tee shirts
A quiet phone
A game of chess or two
A caramel frap
My broken heart
Are all thats left of you.

Words of love that have long since past,
As the breathless state just could not last,
Just as a pardon, by the sinner, is forgot,
Or as a winner's waste of a lifetime's lot,
Just as seasons do come and seasons do go,
And the truth disturbs all we used to know,
Just as an instant can blemish many years,
Or simple joy is replaced by mixed up tears,
Just as a lie makes the worst foe of a friend,
All things do hurry to their own end.

Suppose I write these words
For a target yet unknown
Cast them out into the world
Just as if the wind had blown
Like feathers may they travel
Flutter up and all around
Praying that they do not drift
Unnoticed to the ground.
But rather cross my soulmates path
By chance or by hopes might
To bring me a lover all my own
With these words I write.

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has set me free

T'was never a word that you uttered
Nor any gift that you had shown
That made me hold u so exalted
No. That blame is all my own

Funny how the brain can ration out
a senseless amount of care
Giving the most to one so common
And the least to one so rare.

You were never my Anam cara
Not my soulmate, nor " the one"
Just another man, of many men
When it was all said and done.

And so...

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has been set free

In a tiny, old, used bookstore,
In a quaint town in Tennessee,
There's a book that's in a stack,
That I wished belonged to me.

I happened upon that bookstore,
By accident, or it would seem so.
While on a very long road trip,
Searching for a cup of joe.

The boy that worked at the diner,
Where I stopped to get a bite,
Said there would be a coffee shop,
Just up the road on the right.

So I drove just a little bit farther,
Until the street turned into one-way,
And I saw that little coffee shop,
With a sign that said, "Closed Today."

But suddenly I felt a strong desire,
To park my car and get out.
To look closer at a very aged steeple,
And antiques that were scattered about.

And right next door to that coffee house,
Was the bookstore I mentioned before.
And the smell of dust and dry paper,
Engulfed me when I opened the door.

From somewhere in the very back,
A woman's voice said, " I'll be right out."
And I replied, "It's ok,  take your time,"
"I'm just gonna take a look about."

And starting at the very left front wall,
I made my way slowly around.
Moving from "Fiction" to "Philosophy,"
My footsteps, the only sound.

I may have missed a book or two,
Along the very back wall,
For fear that if I moved even one,
The entire shelf would fall.

Just when I decided that I should go,
That it was late, and I must leave,
I saw a book that beckoned me,
That had "Old Poems," on it's sleeve.

It was in a rack at the counter,
Where now sat the woman with a smile.
And because I love "Old" and "Poetry,"
I read through it for a little while.

Most of the pages inside that book,
Were so faded, that I could not see,
But the words on the inside cover,
Made quite an impression on me.

The child-like script was in pencil,
And the little girl went on to say,
That grandma had given the book to her,
In 1890, on the twelfth of May.

She went a little further to remark,
It was a present for the day of her birth,
And then I spied a little orange sticker,
That was to indicate it's worth.

The sticker, it said ten dollars,
But I noticed it was marked down.
The woman behind the counter said,
"That family still lives in this town."

And I knew I had to have that book,
And take it back home with me.
Because of all the memories it held,
And all of it's history.

Suddenly I remembered I had no cash,
No money with which to buy,
And, yes, I could have found a way,
But I really didn't even try.

And ever since that very day,
When I left that book behind,
I find myself checking inside covers,
Just to see what I might find.

The day greeted me with a sharp vision,
Piercing me from in between,
The mingled branches by my window,
With aim, so markedly keen.

And it beckoned me to that window,
To behold the drops of dew,
Like diamonds, sparkling everywhere,
No matter what the view.

And at once I wanted a wider scope,
And ventured out the door.
And I saw my familiar surroundings,
In a way I not had before.

My breath must have escaped me,
And yet I was just unaware,
Til my lungs filled again so fully; quickly
And I was renewed right there.

I soaked in all of the elegance,
Until the moment had passed.
Taking mental snapshots, aware
Such beauty would not last.

A dear friend called me yesterday,
To inquire,"How are you?"
I answered,"Fine, no problems here!"
Yet this was far from true.

I'd stubbed my toe, lost my job,
The pipes had burst, the pup had died,
But so that my voice would not crack,
I swallowed hard......... and lied.

My friend , I know,  suffers much more,
From the ills this life can throw.
Terminal cancer for many months now,
With very few left to go.

She deserves only a joyful voice,
a smiling and carefree face,
to be her last remaining memories,
while embarking from this place.

I was the collateral you used to buy something you had no intention of paying for.