I enter my room.
I search for the blade.
This feeling of death will never fade.
Maybe it was the drugs, the pills, the ****.
Maybe it was the feeling i wouldnt succeed.
Maybe it was my parents fighting at night.
Blaming me for their on going fights.
Maybe it's me, yes that's it!
Now tonight this will be it.
I will slip away and no one will care.
Not even friends who said they'd be there.
Still too young, not ready to go.
So much to live for.
I guess I'll never know..

The invisible scars that she carries can be blinding.
Scars from infancy with no conscious memories.
Inflicted by a thoughtless mother, too self-absorbed to realize the impact her senseless acts would leave on my beautiful child.
Your actions filled her with distrust, now she distrusts me.
Your actions filled her with fear, now she is consumed with fears.
Your actions made her feel unloved, now she cannot feel my love.
Your actions made her feel unworthy, now she questions her true value and identity.
You asked me not to judge you, and to walk in your shoes.
I so wish i could have walked in your shoes for 15 months. then my daughter would know love, trust, and self worth. She would be afraid of the monsters under her bed and in her closet, not the monsters that robbed her of the basic needs, safety, security, and love that all children deserve and need.
If only i could go back and walk in your shoes. Then the invisible scars would not blind me with their redness. If only i could erase the invisible scars that continue to haunt my daughter.

These scars are my battle wounds
a reward after a long troubled battle with myself
but I won in the end
a symbolic trophy that my struggle is nowhere near over
I am left with the scars
scars where once a crimson red river flowed from them
scars healing over making dams barricading the red monster under them
to feel the sting of the blade in my hands once more
a natural high
the dams don't stand a chance against my new weapon of mass destruction
they will crumble and open at the very touch of the metal to skin
they have to
I have to feel that sensation once again
let the dams break open and the war begin.

It keeps me here
and lets me know
I haved lived yet another day
Hated, Unwanted by others
Loved, Needed by I

Selfishness;
with alcohol lying thick on her tongue.
Words spoke in cursive,
coming out in neat lines of hysteria.
What should I do,
should I leave, should I stay?
Kids crying as her questions float in the air.
Memories flooding back;
Same story, different parent.
If once was enough, twice is too much to bare.
Hating the one person I could always count on;
who was so strong the last time around;
who I strive to portray.
I am not this; nor will I ever be.
This whimpering lump of useless profanity,
this particle of betrayal...
Why? a thousand times I've asked;
to only get hit with a thousand more insults
from the mother who sunk to the bottom of the bottle.

It swirls into my mind,
Whispering forbidden songs.
The mist of deceit settle upon me
Like fog over a lake after a warm summer day.
I see the cracks in your story,
But ignore them:
Look over,
Move on.
Your web of lies has ensnared me:
a cocoon of ignorance.
I could break free,
But I like it here.
It's easy.
I settle in,
While a small part,
Deep inside,
Fights on.

You are an illness,
my infection, my lie.
I think I might love you
but hate, still I try.

You are my poison,
my escape, my release.
I ask you to take me
for at last I'm at peace.

You blinded my heart
with both hate and corruption!
Why say that you love me?
Why face such destruction.

But no I can't have you,
you're not mine to take.
Yet still as I see you;
it's but my heart that does ache.

I dreamt that I'd tell you,
  I dreamt I'd convince you.
I dreamt you would love me
and I too would love you.
I dreamt of perfection,
a dream so romantic.
I dreamt you would smile
and carefully panic.
I dreamt you would hug me.
  I dreamt we would both see,
together we're better -
  I dreamt you weren't choosy.
I dreamt up the ways
of how I could tell you.
I dreamt up bouquets
and a time and place too.
I dreamt that I told you.
  I dreamt that I could do.
I dreamt that it happened.
  I dreamt of a breakthrough.

instead i told you
at 3am   drunk   on facebook
*and i took it back the next morning

What's left of me
Is all in piece's
As the voice's grow louder
The pain never ceases

Watch your step
Wouldn't want you to bleed
Get stains on the carpet
Just follow my lead

I'll guide you through
All of my insanity
The tour begins
Right here, inside of me

We'll begin with the heart
It look's a little bare
Didn't have time to decorate
I don't often dwell there

Moving on now
Next stop my mind
Sure you want to go
Never know what you'll find

Here it is
My own personal maze
The only way out
Is to follow the haze

You can't go in
It's under construction
From the last time
I suffered mental destruction

One stop left
On this tour from hell
Stop at the gift shop
We have lot's of **** to sell

If you look to the right
You'll see the grand creation
Can you feel the sorrow
Created by self-mutilation

We'll exit through the veins
In our crimson ride
This attraction is closed
Because our host has died