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Damaged Sep 2014
Laying in the quiet you breathe out and I breathe in.
Our bodies pressed together skin to skin.
A tangled up ball of hot skin and sweat.
Sticky sweet cotton breath.

Out bodies moved in unison
My hands tangled in your hair
You squeezed my body right
Left me gasping for air.

This time was more than just a hookup
This was more than just some fun
This was me and you together
Two souls becoming one
Damaged Jun 2013
I hope you know how much I value you and your friendship.
You're as sweet to me as chocolate.
And that's a lot better than the sour patch kids that usually surround me.
If you wonder why I tell you every little thing that happens,
it's because you have my complete trust.
If you wonder why I always want to sit next to you at dinners or on the bench or in the car,
it's because every second with you counts to me.
If you wonder why I'm so clingy,
it's because I've lost a lot of people and I don't want to let you slip away.
I know I'm overly nice some,
I hope it doesn't bother you.
I just never want you to feel hurt.
I know what it's like to feel hurt by others and it would hurt me to see you that hurt.
If you wonder why I do everything I do,
it's cause I love you.
Damaged Mar 2013
To walk into a room full of people and still feel all alone,

that's probably what kills me the most.
We call ourselves family, but I feel like the ugly duckling no one wants.
Damaged Aug 2013
It may seem like nothing to you,
but now I look at it different.
Most people would see a deck of cards as nothing special.
For most, it's just a simple way of entertainment.
But for me, I look at them differently now.
A deck of cards can almost resemble society.
There's different shapes and colors.
Different values.
Isn't that how we are in the world today?
You see the aces and face cards,
they're like gold.
They're high in value.
Everyone wants them.
They're simply perfect.
Then there's the number cards.
You know,
two though ten.
They're nothing too special.
Sure sometimes they can be helpful and useful,
but most of the time they just get overlooked don't they?
Then there's the jokers.
Many people don't need them.
They throw them out or throw them to the side.
Or people just simply laugh at Jokers.
They're useless right?

So now walking around, think about this.
Who are you?
Who do you make others feel like they are?
Do you smile at and be kind to everyone around you?
Treating them as those spotless ace and face cards?
Or do you just overlook people?
Is everyone a number card to you?
And I hate to ask, but are you the bully who makes everyone feel like a joker?
Do you tease, or ignore people?
Making them feel like the most unwanted people in the world?

So the next person you see, really stop and think;
how valuable is this person going to feel after an encounter with me?
A little rough, but I think my point has been made. My coach/history teacher did a little activity with us that was exactly what I said above. It really got me thinking.
Damaged Jun 2013
I just need assurance that someone out there still has hope in me.
Damaged Feb 2014
Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.
And mine is this.

The loneliest moment is when you're sitting on your bed crying and you scroll through your contacts but end up putting your pone down in the end and not contacting anyone. Because 90% don't care at all, 9% are just curious, and that 1% left over. Well, they're starting to pull away too

**This is true loneliness
Damaged Apr 2013
Nothing will ever be okay again.

Everything falls apart;

and soon...






*Because nothing is ever going to be okay.
Damaged Apr 2014
Is trying to convince myself that I'm not head over heals in love with you.
Damaged Jul 2012
Sweet little angel watching over us all,
you're the one that catches us whenever we fall.
Sweet baby boy flighing high up above,
every thought of you we have is full of love.
Though your time here was too short and we had to say goodbye,
you will forever be the apple of our eyes.
It wasn't fair how soon from us you had to part,
but you will live forever in our hearts.
For my baby cousin I never even got to meet. I will always love you.
Damaged Jan 2013
Ahh so we meet again, old friend of mine.
How Ive missed you so much.
Ive missed your touch.
Quick, yet piercing and sharp.
Leaving evidence you were with me.
Red crimson evidence.
I must hide the evidence quickly.
No one can know you were with me.
We weren't supposed to see each other again.
Damaged Nov 2013
And so starts another day.
Here we go again.
The bullying, the abuse, the lies that never end.
Fighting my demons as I walk around.
So many people stomping me to the ground.
Here goes another day of trying to stay strong.
Fighting back tears, making the most of things that will go wrong.
Here goes another day forcing a smile.
Fighting my demons I've been fighting for a while
Damaged Mar 2013
Sitting on the dock watching the sunset;
the wind blowing in my hair.
The water crashes against the rocks;
chills run through my body.
I sit at the top of the hill;
catcing my breath.
The snow;
soft and cold under me.
Laughter, tears, friends.
Food, games, too much food.
Crisp air;
birds chirping.
The sun is shining;
it's a new day.
I may not have all the people I want in my life;
but I think I have all the people I need.
I have the ones who pick me up when I fall.
The ones who wipe my tears.
I have the people who make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts;
and tears are streaming down my face.
I have the ones to look up to.
Give me advice.
They give me something to strive for.
I guess I don't really need anything else.
I have what I need.
I have enough.
I may not have it all;
but I am blessed.
It's really amazing what just one weekend can make you realize.
Damaged Apr 2013
But before they start to fall
she pulls herself together.
Because no one can know how broken she really is inside.
Damaged Jun 2012
It's past midnight and she's still awake.
Laying in complete darkness.
Music blasting.
Memories flash before her eyes and all the thoughts,
the only thing they do is overtake her.
She has made it through the day forcing smiles and faking laughs.
But once everyone else is asleep, she breaks.
She cries.
She screams.
She bleeds.
She falls to her knees and cries out to the Lord
Because in the end, death wasn't really what she wanted.
She just wanted someone to save her.
And most of all,
She wanted to be happy and free.
Damaged Jan 2013
Im falling again.
Falling back down.
Being pulled down by some invisible force,
why does it have such a strong hold on me?!
Ive tried to pull myself out...but I cant.
All the old habits are coming back.
Consuming me.
With every breath I breathe, I wish for it to be my last.
Im weak,
It seems like theres no one to pull me back up this time.
Its me against myself.
*And Im losing
Damaged Aug 2012
Her smile turned to tears,
her hopes turned to fears.
Her dreams turned to nothing,
shes wishing for something.
Her days were slowly slipping away,
shes trying to be strong but shes starting to fade.
Her mask is so flawless,
she acts like she could care less.
Her hearts broken...
This isnt the life she had chosen.
Damaged Jan 2014
What a wonderful way to settle the day and head into night.
Your best friend, hot tea, and a pipe
Damaged Feb 2013
Its the little things you say and do,
that keep me from giving up.
You give me hope, you keep me strong.
Because of you I smile a little more,
and I know Im not alone.
You're the best friend I could ask for.
Damaged Mar 2013
No one knows the real girl anymore.
All day long everyone sees a bubbly girl with a smile on her face.
No one would ever guess what goes on when she gets home

*She goes home walks through the door;
the house is empty once again.
Mom's working another extra shift;
who knows what time she'll get home.
Will she have to eat dinner by herself again?
She get to dads;
he won't say a word to her.
Mad at everything.
Every part of her.
She's nothing but an inconvience.
She goes into her room;
blasts the music loud so no one can hear her sobs.
She screams into her pillow.
Why doesn't anyone understand?!
She tried reaching out for help,
but just got ignored.
I could use a friend right now
Then...complete silence.
She knew it was true,
no one really cares.
Words cannot even begin to explain half of the pain I am feeling inside. Maybe soon I'll finally have the courage to just let go. At least the pain would be over then.
Damaged May 2014
I really think that someone should have a video camera on me when I'm high because I say a lot of ****. And I mean some of that ***** pretty deep and meaningful and then also the comedian in me comes out. Or maybe the clown that makes everyone laugh. I don't really like clowns though. I mean honestly the whole idea and creepy. I mean god knows who the person in that costume could be. He could be the friendly neighbor hood mail man but what if he's a childmolester? And how are we gonna know the difference. My lips are really chapped. I really like this song. Linkin park speaks to me so well. Ahhh now three down doors. Love me when I'm gone. Since you obviously didnt love me before. Isn't that so sad? The way society has utterly ****** with the teenage mind.
Society says "you're ugly. You're not smart enough. You're not thin enough. You're not pretty. You're useless. No one wants you here." So then we finally had enough. We explode. We go insane. We have had enough society says "she was so beautiful in every way and so talented. Oh she had so many people that loved her" it's ****** up. Walking around every day never knowing who you're true friends are. Always wondering whose going to turn their back on you next. Always wondering if all the days I missed practice this season someone would say "it so much nicer without her here. She's so annoying." Always wondering if that "best friend" I made when I was a freshmen and she was a senior. Not she's in humbolt. Anyways I wonder if she remembers she's supposed to be my maid of honor someday. I haven't head from her in so long. There's so much I need to tell her. The pregnancy. The miscarriage. The "am I crazy for wanting to be pregnant again" even though I'm only 17. I'm 17. Almost 18. *******. It's kinda scary. Cause then society comes back and bases our whole lives on what we did during the hardest part of our lives. The part of our lives where our voices in our head scream "don't eat. You're ugly. You'll never be loved. You should **** yourself" and after a while you have to take a blade to your skin because it's the only pain you can control but also it's the only way you can feel anything at all if that even makes sense to feel nothing and everything at all once. And none of this probably even makes sense. So sorry for that. But my mind is a scary messy place. Terrifying and dark. Wow im high. Because the world so low and I wonder what movie Bug saw tonight man I wanted to go with her so bad. But I can't. Cause I'm grounded. Cause they they had to show that picture to my mom. I think I covered it pretty well but my life's hell now. She won't let me do anything and I'm her little ***** because if I talked back at all she'll take everyone. But it's so ******* stupid. Like ahhh ****. ****.  I swear to god I'm going to punch something. Mom even made me talk to people at church. I don't wanna ******* talk about it but if I don't ******* my way through it I can't do my senior project with Danielle and that ******* *****. Well guess wahat. I don't want to talk about it. Of course I'm not okay and you best get off your high horse if you think you are so much better than anyone else who want to talk to me and I won't. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Any of this. Especially my life. I'm really bummed the field trip got postponed. The Nuremberg trials. We were actually gonna simulate them at the court house. Gotta wait two more weeks now. ******* ****. I think I love history too much. I can't even tell you why. It just fascinates me. Something about the heartache and despair I can somehow relate you deep down. Especially during the world wars or the holocaust. Wow I'm tired. And it colds. Wow I'm ******* horney too. Sorry if that was tmi. I miss him. His body against me. A man ni. H ar der. Ha ar dar oh oh ohhhhh. What did I just write. What. Wow I'm really tired. AHHH. My favorite song is on. If you were dead or still alive. I don't care. Such good lyrics. I should text mark and tell him I'm listening to apoctalyptica. Or wait maybe I should text nick. Wait I don't think he's done working. Wait what. It's almost one in the morning. Thad why he's asleep. But I'm 100% fallingig jn love with him. Holy crap it's bad. He's 21. I'm probably just some little kid girl to me. But we're talking outside of work and he's my bestfriend on snapchatting but can you be more than a bestfriend on snapchat? Can you be in real life? Wht about my forever? Can you be my forever? And ******* I just looked at the clock and I started writing and babling at 12:17 and ******* I don't even have the slightest clue of what all I said
Part 1
Damaged Jan 2013
So its my fault?
The only person we have to blame for our situation is me right?
Because last time I checked,
relationships took effort from two people.
Its not my fault you didnt call me back.
Its not my fault you blew me off.
Im not the one who made you sleep with her.
Maybe Im partly to blame.
Maybe I wanted to be around you too much.
Maybe I wanted to talk too often.
But that was only because I care.
Because I love you
If you wanted space, you couldve just said something.
You didnt have to just shut me out...
Leave me wondering what the hell happened.
And now...
Now you have no right to tell people this was all my fault.
Theres two sides to every story.
Maybe you should tell them mine.
But then you might end up looking like the bad guy
and that couldnt ever happen...
Because this is all my fault...
Damaged Feb 2013
Every day I break a little more inside.
Waking up putting a smile on my face,
faking the smile. The laughs.
Hiding the tears. The hurt.
Some days;
most day...
I just want to curl up under a rock and hide.
No one would be able to hurt me there.
I wouldnt be an inconvenience anymore.
Id be out of sight out of mind.
The way everyone wants it.
Damaged Feb 2013
Some nights, I just can't stand to be alone.
But every night, I am.
And it hurts like hell.
Not knowing who I can txet...or call.
Feeling like I bother everyone I talk to,
when in reality I'm just reaching out for help.
Believe me when I say, reaching out for help, isn't an easy thing to do.
I need you.
Damaged Dec 2012
Itd be nice
To be a kid again
to not have to worry about anything
to have all the simpleness back
The inncoence
I miss being a ki
running on the playground
swinging on the swings
playing tag
Boys still had cooties
and the only things that could be broken were my crayons
Damaged Dec 2013
The last thing I wanted to do was say goodbye.
But I'll know you're sill with me every time I look up to the sky.
The way the stars shimmer, they'll remind me of your laugh.
The way the sun shines, it'll remind me of my angel that has passed.
I miss you so much.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
And I hope you know I'll never forget you. Not a single day.
Damaged Mar 2013
Mom I dont feel well can I come home early?*

What she'll never know is that I may not ever feel better.
This ache may never go away.
The hole inside grows bigger every day.
The smiles get harder and harder to force.
The nausea never stops.
Every though makes me sick.
I shake and tremble.
It's hard to breath.
Here comes another anxiety attack.
Damaged Oct 2013
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I still need him to cheer me on
And to walk me down the isle with my pretty white dress on
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I can't stand to see him in all this pain
And watch him struggle as strength he tries to gain
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I want him to stay around for many more years
I need him here to calm my fears
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay*
I love him so much I don't want him to go
Cancer please leave his body is not your home
Damaged Feb 2013
I feel like I am screaming out to you for help.

Can you not hear me?

Or are you just choosing to plug your ears?
Damaged Nov 2013
Things change and people do to.
It just ***** when the ones changing are the ones you never though would leave you.
Thanks for letting me know you literally give zero ***** anymore.
Damaged Nov 2013
People keep asking me what I want for Christmas.
But the thing is no one can give me what I truly want.
Because the only thing I want it for my dad to get better.
I want the cancer to leave.
I don't want this to be the last Christmas for him and me.
Damaged Oct 2013
So I guess it's true.
Everything is true.
You don't ever stop loving the first person you fell in love with.
You just deal with not having them in your life.
You learn new ways to go throughout your day.
You reconstruct your life.
It's almost as if you're building an entirely new life.
You no longer have to take another person into consideration when making plans.
And as freeing as that may be to some, to others it's as painful as being stabbed with a knife.
It's as if a part of you is empty.
The nights are suddenly longer and lonelier when you don't have the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.
The days are lonely too.
No sweet texts to brighten your day and make you smile.
No more daydreaming in class and drawing his name in hearts all over your notebook.
Losing your first love causes you to have to reconstruct routines.
It causes you to always wonder what more could have been.
But most of all, it reminds you that nothing last forever... And there is nothing we can do about it.
Not sure why all these feelings have suddenly hit me. It's been almost three years. Why can't I let go of you?
Damaged Jul 2013
I don't know how much more I can take. I spend all my days smiling but all my nights crying. Every day it gets harder and harder to mask the pain the wells inside me. I walk around every day like my life is so great when really, I know that I'm just a huge mistake. People yell at everything I do. Everyone pushes me away or pulls themselves away. Everyone walks away from me. I care so much for others and I just get left out in the dust like a piece of trash. I don't even know if it's worth it to stick around anymore. I mean why should I? It's not like anyone would notice if I was gone anyways. I'm "too nice" appearently. Well guess what? I'm the way I am because I never want people to feel the pain that I'm in. I never want anyone to feel left out or unloved the way I do every single **** day of my life. I never want people to feel like they arn't really wanted or appricated. Whether it be in the classroom, on the court, where ever. Everone has a right to know that they are loved and cared about. I walk around all day and my eyes sting because I'm fighting back tears. Yet no one notices. For once it'd be so nice for someone not believe me when I tell them I'm okay. Sometiems I really want to admit it, but I just can't. I don't want to show that I'm weak. I have so many people I have to be strong for. I feel as if the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and every day it weighs me down more and more. Every day it becomes more and more of a struggle to even get out of bed. Why should I get up to go walk around in a place where I'm not even wanted or appricated? Why do anything at all anymore? Why can't I just...not?
Damaged Feb 2013
You never realize the power of death and sickness
until its staring you straight in the face
and theres no where to run.
Damaged Jan 2014
And I can count on a single hand the number of people that cared enough to text me and say happy birthday...
I feel completely invisible
Damaged Feb 2013
Please God,

we're still waiting for the test results to come back and...

I'm begging please ...not him.

Give the disease to anyone but him.

**He doesn't deserve it
I know Ive had countless issues with my dad, but I still love him with all my heart. I won't be able to take it if I lose him
Damaged Aug 2013
I wonder if you know,
you're the first one I've loved in a while.
The first one I've gotten comfortable with.
First one I've let inside.
To be honest,
it felt so good again.
To finally have hat place I can run.
A place I can hide.
Though at the same time,
I don't have to hide.
Myself that is.
I know I can be myself around you.
You don't judge me.
You don't look at me different.
You just love me, despite all of the ****.
And you have no idea how good that feels.
Damaged Jun 2013
I want to be able to sleep again.
I'm tired of fighting to fall asleep,
being afraid of every little creak in the house.
I'm tired of being scared of what might take me in the night.
I'm tired of waking up with cold sweats.
I'm tired of waking up screaming.
I'm tired of the terrors,
being deathly afraid of all too vivid dreams,
feeling as if I am being held down;
no where to run...I can't even move.
I'm tired of being tired.
Insomnia that never goes away. It wears me down after a while
Damaged Jan 2013
An empty room.
An empty girl.
Sitting silently on the floor.
Sleeves rolled up, exposing skin.
She drags the blade and presses in.
The pain it brings cannot compare,
to the joy she knows will soon be there.
Its worth that scars that never heal,
for just a moment not to feel.
Damaged Apr 2014
Laying here with you
4 bowls in.
I feel the rush through my body as were here skin to skin

Laying here with you
My window open wide
Nothing could go wrong with you by my side

Laying here with you
Pandora playing softly
Goodnight, sweet dreams, you sure are lovely.
Damaged Feb 2013
Every breath is a chance;
to start over
to rebuild yourself.
A chance to turn the situation around.
With every breath you take you have the chance to make a difference;
to touch a heart
to change a life.
Every breath you take is living proof of strength;
of how strong you really are.
No matter what life threw, you proved you could take it;
even if you got a little scraped and banged up in the process.
Every breath you take is  beautiful;
because in every breath you take
you have shown that you won't let life get the best of you.
My friend had her signature on her text messages as "EveryBreathIsAChance." It inspired me to write this
Damaged Apr 2012
Everyday it gets harder to carry on.
Everyday it gets harder to stay strong.
Everyday I put on a fake mask.
Everyday I lie about things I get asked.
Everyday the mask gets thicker.
Everyday I feel like a plant starting to wither.
Everyday people ask "how are you?"
Everyday I lie saying, "great! and you?"
Everyday I realize that I have to carry on.
Everyday I realize its the struggles that make me strong.
Everyday I remind myself that though its stormy now, the clouds won't last forever.
Everyday I tell myself, for now I just have to bear this ****** weather.
Damaged Nov 2012
Comets, asteriods, falling stars.
All said to be destructive forces that do nothing but destroy right?
But, why do they have to be destructive?
When I think of falling stars,
I think of light flying through the sky.
Giving light to everything in its path.
I thought you were my falling star
Someone sent into my life to bring me joy and light.
Something to wish and hope for at night.
Like many people do while watching the stars in the fields.
But in reality, you were the opposite.
You came into my life and at first, I was blinded by your smile.
I fell in love with you.
You were my everything, I gave you everything.
All my secrets, hopes, dreams, and fears.
You were the light of my life
my falling star
Creating light not destruction right?
Because then you left, how dare you.
You made me feel so strong and important, then you tore me down to nothing.
You destroyed everything I hope for. All the dreams and plans we had.
Burnt down to nothing.
So I guess my theory was wrong, right?
Falling stars really dont light the world.
They just destroy.
Damaged Dec 2012
Its a constant battle.
A war fought alone.
A war against myself.
And sometimes, I just dont have the strength to come out on top.
My weapons turn against me.
I lie bleeding on the floor.
Another battle lost.
Damaged Apr 2014
And I knew I'd come across sooner or later

Someone who doesn't know

And I'll have to tell them he died a couple months ago.
Damaged Oct 2012
I heard the news at nine forty six.
It fell on me like a pile of bricks.
Two lives taken much too quick,
A wife a mother.
A sister a kid.
Damaged Jan 2014
And my bestfriend doesn't even see that I'm
*Someone please save me
Damaged Mar 2015
Give me a reason to stay alive
Give me a reason to not take my life tonight.
Give me a reason to not bring out the blades
Or to not shatter that mirror, the cold glass soothes the pain.
Give me a reason to keep holding on
Give me strength I'm not really that strong.
Give me courage to keep carrying on
Give me a reason to keep smiling, acting as if nothing is wrong
Damaged Mar 2013
I need a reason.
A reason to keep fighting.
A reason to keep getting up every day and faking it.
I need a reason to stay here.
Would anyone honestly even miss me
I really don't think people would.
I doubt many would even notice my absence.
Would anyone wonder why I didn't show up for school?
Would anyone shed a tear?
I need a reason to stay alive.
I need something to keep me breathing.
I need a reason to hold onto hope.
Damaged Mar 2013
God, please keep watch over him.
Please give the surgeon steady hands.
If I lose another person, I wont be able to stand it.
You've take my baby cousin.
You've taken Sophie and Cynthia.
You took my big brothers first baby away from him.
Please don't take him away from me.
It's not fair.
To lose everyone I love.
To break more and more every day because I feel like it should have been me to go;
not them.
Feeling like I should have been the baby who wasn't strong enough.
Feeling like I should have been the one in that boat.
Feeling like I should have been the baby who came home to meet you before my family even met me.
The hole in my heart is big enough.
just let Grandpa be okay.
I have enough guardian angels in the sky,
I need this one to stay here on earth;
right by my side.
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