He was a brave sailor, venturing into the unknown, with strength and love for the sea he had found. But the waves got too wild, too roaring, and he could not keep sailing. The sea was revolted and kicked him out, despite himself.

I have seen so much
In your arms
But I was too broken
for you to fix me inside

Back to black, the thick spacey air
Around?

You melted the icecaps
You got ventured into a strange ocean
Now the ocean cries for you
Now, sailor, you rush back home
Never trust your brain
It only twists you again and again

My sailor you were
A hint of water in a drought
sailing alone through my heart
Bringing me happiness
I could not handle well
But I am gormless, too froze....
Too stale

What is reality? The tales we tell ourselves
All the times in your bed- so real, so fake
All the love we shared
Too healthy for me to take

It happened.
We loved each other.
We tore together the walls.
How long till the next thaw?

**** my parents, **** myself
**** everything that stood in OUR WAY

He said, "I'll reboot you and revamp you, give you back yourself"
but he was looking after
himself...
He said, "you are a wonderful disaster",
but the disaster went too over the top for your head
He said, "I will never leave you like that",
and I almost fell, fell for that.
He said, "all I want is you to feel okay",
but what I require is something that can't make you stay.
You were a liar - only a better liar tHan him.
I was a dissapointment - only a more attractive one.

What do you spend roaming around Tinder?
Where all those wolves linger

I thought he loved me
but he didn't, and did I love him at all?
Much more than I had thought.

What is pulling him away from me?
I see the patterns, the visions, you are not here
"All men want is you to **** ****"
Ha! My soul, is not a currency, for you to deal with
My soul, is not a game, a pastime
it is eternal, i must sleep with it...
although thick, spacey air had to die
but I died too a little bit

And I confused love
with a fundamental loosening of the self.
a general lack of tone.
Now, if you knock again my door...
what will I do?
I am tired.
This had to be.
I quit.

Girl 18 diagnosis unknown
possible BPD but we don't know
This year I broke down
Starting roaming around stations and places
Looking for a place to heal my bruises
What bruises? I can't tell anymore
So numb, so sore
A year that meant too much
you can see the toll in the lines in my arms
you can see my eyes are sick without love
I am building a story; it wasn't me who wove it
I swallowed everything - like a sailor lost in the dark sea
that will do anything to be saved
he promises anything because he saw death
I am so lost, I don't know who to trust anymore.
Waking up every day in a haze
Sweet haze of pain!
She's Ophelia, on the make
Although she doesn't know the name
And shattered and displaced
inside
Looking so good so disturbed
Listening to Top40 songs
meaning her whole heart...
did nothing at all, yet I'm tired of everything
I know nothing, but I know all about hurt
The devil is creeping into my head
He interferes with my sleep. He kills my dreams.
I am learning to be a good girl. Even if it tears me apart.

It's all gratitude today
the anger has gone away

So many days thinking about
the ways you did me wrong
And now I see it clear
everyone does love
in the way they very can
it might be flawed, but still
it's love
and I must be thankful for it
And then, peace will follow

You helped me
Even if it was God's hand
You are my past
and despite all the pain and blast
We were beautiful,
even if only sometimes

You thrash and lash at us
You speak ill oh you criticize
But in the end of the day
you need us there

Hey big boss girl at Burger King
You think I barely can speak!
You haven't seen me, at all
All the fire cast inside, 1993 born
I'll blow your head off!
Dear I've seen your ilk
it's the whole world's no ****
You think I can't do anything
while you rocking your Green Day tee
paying homage to those who dream
because we all are of that sick race
because between me and you there's a link

I will chew you all and spit you out.
I will win the war, no doubt.
You will never shut me up - it will be me
the one who decides - later I will scream
I've got big dreams, and I can't breathe.
I've got big dreams - scratch underneath
Waiting is tough - living through all this:
this anxious growing longing for it
this unmet whimsical deep misunderstood need
Scratch underneath - all I want is to be free
Big dreams - they get the best of me
Big dreams - they're everything

when you arrive home, you seek our comfort
when you're torn, it's us you will look for
we are all survivors, I am no less.
we are the ones who keep your heart on place
we are the ones who save you in the end
even if the ones who got lost were only ourselves

growth hurts - stretching your limbs
to the sky is what you need
but the expansion aches, your skin gives
you wear those marks for a little time
And those things which don't grow,
die
So there's all the use in trying

Growth in summer - beauty explodes!
But a winter below
No winning without growing first
And I have to leave the training wheels
like a kid in love
Is this the only way out?
What should we do next?
Shiny new gun came in the mail,
but now new rails for this train.
And we are still the aim.

So now, I am at a crossroads,
take my hand, rejoice in us.
So now, I don't feel much good,
endure the winter with me. It's less cold.

I don't know where the road takes
but I know it's a good place
With or without you, I will manage.

Growth - now I am awake
I won't ever sleep again.
The world's too bright for me
to close my eyes

I said, "I'm darkness" but I lied
I'm darkness, are you the light?
I have light inside to set free
It just takes me and only me

I said, I'm only happy when it rains and that's right
There's a hole in my heart that life cut
So deep it can't be sewed back
But let's keep on trying, let's keep on driving

I said, I'm darkness, so you get used to the concepts
The concepts in my brain...
Some of us need a fully human savior
or a whole load of them!
This ray of light in the rain, something fused with the landscape
A sweet surprise in the end of your drink
You might get away from me, it's true
If you only knew...
But this tastes sweeter, truer, than any kiss could
Or so!

Semi-ray of light, in a weird rainfall
Rain so colourful, all around me, yeah

This might be a true ray of light
for me, for us
Walking in old new shadows
in my door

Don't
leave
me
now
I need you

Every now and then
a happy poem comes
From my lips, from my thoughts
Sometimes sweet for my tongue

And it's surprising - it feels odd
But it came alone, on its own
A feeling that I can fight it all
Despite the bitterness of this ******* world
A feeling of beauty in chaos
A feeling I won't give up
A feeling of calmness, peace inside
Growing in my room or in the outside
Growing in me, a sense of relief
A sense of beauty, a grasp of it

The future looks harrowing so
the future looks unknown
can we go together, face the monsters
we'll encounter for sure?

2020 - but first let's say
I could not imagine I would end
the year in your bed again
So sweet, so sweet, so sweet
Then why I choke like this?

"If you play me wrong I'll leave
but first I gotta jump, taste your lips
once again
before we fade"
(I don't think we will)

I saw it clear
as clear as your kiss
Hours before
I was thriving on your love

Energies - can you feel them
maybe they're the secret
to what's binding us
We are untying from our loads
My hands, can you hold?
Can you give me your all?
I feel so full
Burn the leaflets! Burn the fears!
Let's subdue to this nameless blessed thrill!
That fills me from head to toe...

Harrowing!
The future looks harrowing!
But it shines so bright
A flame I cannot avoid to touch.
Will I get burnt?
Who knows!

Harrowing, uncertain but you will be there
In my thoughts and my bed...
Harrowing but I can pull a trick here
and survive my own ****
Harrowing but nothing short of fantastic
A ride not to forget, and you can get off
anytime you feel like
I trust this fullness in my chest
I trust whatever it takes
I trust, because I've already known the worst
and it's looking ******* up

I am reaping
maybe harvesting
who knows
but it's bitter
to think I won't sow anymore!
that I won't reap anymore -

There is joy everywhere
if you forget
The magic of the process
the magic to become
if you know how
there's always seeds to sow
don't **** the seeds,
baby, stay alive
Do what it takes
to keep the flame bright
everything will be
fine!

My head lights get lit up
in unlikely moments and that's the fun
or did I see that blaze outside
the path could be lit up with blue eyes
All I know is I burnt with light
Burn bright, baby, burn bright.
Everything fits, nothing hurts

I saw a river crossing my days
Hot waters that gently, sweetly sway
It was milk and honey land
I saw somewhere I could grab
I saw for miles, the miles swallowed me back
I felt something, deep inside
It wasn't the actual thing, but
I knew it was the head lights firing up

And the head lights can be turned off quick
but in the same way (I tell you) they get lit
they throw ideas, they throw things
I have to process them, what they mean
is it that the head lights or just losing it?
not immune to the surrounding maze
their hot caress, their warm embrace
Head lights, will you save me from myself?
I am complete, it's you *******
who make me feel else...

my head spins
too much music, too many feelings
too many stories, too many thoughts
too much of everything
in my tiny room...my cell
my head spins
I'll put it to rest
so it never needs to rest again

I feel like I was 13 again
Betting to one card all of my fate
Because there's no other chance
Going to therapists...but with a change:
Now I fight with all it takes.
I've been - radically expressed

I feel like in a different space and time
But this time, it is a different hue, a new shine

I will fight because
I've already been through too much.
I will get down and *****
when it comes to living

Health is a lie
You have to learn to look in the eyes
Health is a state
you can't always attain

Health flees and stays
you can't summon her
she summons you instead

Some call her health,
some call her happiness
different names
same thing in the end

(She said take your brains out
you don't need them to do good
drown in my sugar darkness
humid and fruitful)

I've changed so much
I just can't go back there

There is something I can't catch
why?

Dare to trespass the limits
to get somewhere other

I have to trace the lines
to know where this mess began
Pick up the threads, knots to untie

Learn to look at things the way they are
that's the only way out
No glitter rays, but no grim days
Just godly ways

Why did it look so good
why it's turning a nightmare
will you hold my hand dear
walk with me through hell

Show me the other side
please goddess please

Everything got muddled
everyday more and more
how to stop
Break the cycle, end up the war

Oh, don't get any mistaken with me
I am just a neurotic *****
obsessed with *** and ****
Every little pain just adds to the stake

And if it breaks, because I won't
We'll throw a party, all giddy up
(I am afraid as ****)

Emotional coming out
I did a lot this year so far
Alex says it's all growth
This arc for my role
could not have been foretold

Every day closer to the flame
Getting burnt for fun
My heart? It lies in my mouth
So I spit sweet blood
It's a blessing and a curse
specially behind closed doors
that allowed me to go far

The first time I lost my mind
the first time I did something alone
was because I had no one!
Toxic knots that I weaved on my own...
Collective opus - these toxic knots

Is my destiny to break down in pieces?
No, but I live for bleeding
It's such a thick wall to keep on living
You helped me become myself
but every sweet bite from the cake
I earned
I have a lot of thankfulness, even love for you,
but no connection that's true

I am a tortured artist! I am everything you hate!
You are everything standing in my way!
Yet...
We untie these toxic knots with everyday's deeds
so let's keep rolling like the sea

Let me be! Let me be!

Hearts and *****
Pink so punk
Strawberry Sweetcake
but so high, so drunk!
*** and candy
Raunchy fancy
I'm a star, I'm a *****
I am something you fear
I shine - but you don't want to see

I want it all in my bag!
and in fact, I can!
Don't tell me I can't be what I want
I can be all I need

I can't put it into words
so I buy clothes
I need no speech
me as me

menhera kawaii ****** **** chick
punk kinderwhore emo with *******
I play with everything!
I know who I am
his ***** dream
and I'm loving every minute of it...
my own woman giving in to nothing
but me and my dreams
living in the clouds, writing my stuff
look at me, you don't understand what you see
do you think I care? less than you think

Give myself a little permission
to go crazy is what I need
Love (that word I fear)
is taking me to the gutter

I am so blocked
Even divided, broke
Not to lose the flame
or is it going weaker every day?
13 again, no, not again

I can't go back there again
I will die instead
And I don't need to be saved
I need to save myself

To accept hell always is there
hidden in a small place
where it burns and gives brightness
to the point it blinds sometimes

At least I think I know where I am.
Is this a good path?
How to just BURN?
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts

There is a pain in my chest

Hello there...!
I'm back to hell
I'm back again
I know it too well

I predict a death
Going back to bed, sleeping again
Closing my eyes
Or a lie instead

I've been here before
I know its ups and downs
Flowers in the window pane
For my stay in the mental jail
Death has so many shades
Her little ways to dismantle you
Her many games

I've been here before: the drowsy music
I saw the grey comfortable swing of the days before the spring
I felt comfy, ready to swim..in the shores of not
I heard the disperse beat of the days of emptiness and draught

And I will drown my head
trying to cleanse
but first let's watch
what is left

And I will cry, at my own funeral
Is there resurrection for me?
Awhile, I will sit down
pray for the worst
not to come

Writing a poem to you feels old
because once upon a time
you became my ideal world

You never understood me;
and that's the fun of it
I never fully grasped you;
and that's the magic you did

Your clean-cut world
No wonder, watched over by God!
A dream not your own
Throat about to collapse, to choke

You are my contrary
yet you are so appealing
because you don't contain crowds like me
with all of its restlessness
all of its fits, its bursting glee

Yet you have secrets;
I'm pretty sure you *******
when you think about Pitbull
or your boyfriend
and if you don't, then I don't know

Church going gal
Laughter and a bright smile
So intoxicating
So dangerous – only sometimes.

He's beautiful
and today
I could not stop looking
at him

He's beautiful
but he doesn't send the magic
downstream

He's beautiful -you're beautiful-
Guys would **** for your number
If you only paraded in the street
You are beautiful, you I would not kiss
but you awaken something in me...

His smile - stirs me
His lips - do they call me?
I am bored, I know it
I don't know - what I feel

I am high
on his song
I feel nothing wrong
but this unnatural strength in me
Letting go...

Worst case scenario: you break my heart
Worst case scenario: I tell you to *******
So what?
And I see I don't care, I've got a lot of ****

I am high on his song
I can't think straight - but great
It was invasive, like a drug shot to the veins
I feel it rush inside, this power I gained
I could dance, I really didn't care
Nothing in the world could go not my way
I saw it clear, I saw it fine
Everything's going to turn out right
Worst case scenario: we are not there
Worst case scenario: who cares

This high feeds on my tissue
This high is not real - but true
This high - I saw it good

I have high dreams
of liberty
They say I ask for too much,
but all I ask for is life
A hand under my pants, if I feel like
If not, I'll watch the lights shine
A sun smiling at me, a moon lulling me to sleep
A poster with Amy and Courtney
Telling me: "you are strong! You can do this!"
This is merely a dream, but I will do anything
This is possible. This could be.
The doors open, like a wound on the flesh
It hurts but it could hold the key to this
I will do anything for this
I haven't spoke ever so candidly, I never did.

End of the painful poem
I draw the line here
My sad lines, that took me out from hell
My happy lines, that prompted my days

I want to look at the other side
but everyday life
is dark enough
so I don't even try
And I have seen a tiny light
so huge to my eyes

Love - you are elusive
so I won't try to trap you
It's a trap
*** - you are the truth
Love - who dares your name

I am wandering here
fluttering like
a mad butterfly
My anxiety to exist
was always so wide
And it will never stop
But the Sun blinds me
and I see nothing more

Want to join me in my ride?
I am ready to die
because it's the only way to stay alive
I admit - I am ******* high high high
But isn't that what it's all about?

It is a blessing, and certainly a weight
that time passed and we're still friends

If we didn't know each other for years
I wouldn't put up with you;
you would not put up with me
We are from realms that clash between
We're acquired family
over laughter, concealed tears for me
We're an acquired taste
How come people from such different worlds?
Having nothing to do
what knitted us so close?
How come we are standing on the street
discussing  my life and its feats
discussing beliefs, things that will tear us apart
if we don't run away from it
I know, if the timing had been different
we would not be here.
But that is the magic of possibility
the magic of life
always going further
than we always can conceive

That old love
which you called love
which was nothing but
loneliness and hunger
for a body close

He filled nothing
but the void in your guts
which was so profound
you could not even tell
you were inside

That sunrise
in the twilight
That hint of nothing
which spawns something

Reorganize your brain
or at least
don't let the cobwebs
take place

And when you woke up
it was gone, as a dream it was
but it lingers in the day
as a shadow
of what could have been
it speaks volumes
in a language that can't be read

the beauty of arriving there
of the lingering beat!
a stream down my legs
I am waiting for you, dear
(you are not dying
you will be ******* reborn
you do it every morning
with the rising Sun
embrace the joke)

There is a hole inside my heart
that is
missing between my legs
I will miss you everyday
the things that we shared
No more kisses, no more intimacy
but I might die if I go on, keep like this
All because of the hole in my heart
Everything I'll do, but taking that
My brain explodes, it is too much
I love you, I love you, but I'm a knot inside.

What it is I feel for you?
I'm not sure
It certainly it's not just friends
but neither means going to bed

I never thought leaving
would hurt this much
I thought I'd be free
But I'm not sure, habit pulls
And I have a habit of your lips

But I also have a habit of
night of tension
and distress
and lack of arousal
and fear of myself
And I have to end it
I saw it clear
Clearer without "us"

No more knots than the necessary ones
Now I'm back to black
But I will fight with teeth and nails
to not drown, not drown.
I saw it clear, and I can't back down.
But knowing my emotional reality
hurts the most...

Why it feels so good
to be away?
To live in a little island by the sun?
I need time off.

All I really know is
I run too much
Threw myself in the arms of life
She held me tight till I choked
That's what I looked for!
And I knew it before.

"We float"

I am hooked on you
merely hooked
not in love
and not desiring anymore

I have to learn to handle
so you don't destroy me
and I don't destroy you either
I've already been here

The mind is such a liar
the heart it entangles much
this emptiness
sure doesn't help

You came in a given matrix
but you can't turn to be the matrix itself
(You never were, and thus is how big things are made)
The matrix is bigger than you
and much bigger than me

This stylization is not stylish at all
This standby of the soul
this going deeper to the seams
which burst and scream
but I can feel

Give me more questions
give me more ecstasy
give me this holy break
give me the sacred visions

A girl lost, grabs the pen to save her soul.
She's got a world...
In the city of "déluge", a refuge.
In the city of desperation, a light - salvation
Put some order in my brain, make something beautiful, a gem, built out of pain.

I grew up through my notebooks.

Got close to the place today
The place where it all began and died
It's like coming home
but coming home with a drain
coming home with a pain
A home that was only a house
Isn't everyone the same?

Tears come to my eyes
I wanna curl up and cry
when I'm back
to the place where I used to die.

Never kissed, never loved
Never listened, never grows
This is how you break a soul
Got far away, but always close
This is how you sew the hole

So much death, so much life
I was confused, but I always knew
"Why don't you kick dark off you
I can't kick myself off me, it's true"
And darkness always holds me
when no one does

Now I stand there, healed but still stirred
Because there is nothing pills cannot make
nothing love cannot save
(and I'm not ashamed; still insane!)
I could walk up there
to reconcile my love and hate
Makes (a little) sense in the light of today
Still you'd all choke on me and my man
And I would happily take that! Like you - I never was!

This is the coda to a bitter song
This is the progressive healing of the heart.
I am back - but I won't ever be.
You'll see me rise - I see.

The hunger breaks
takes what it's hers
fills with desire
and now creates regret
I need his touch
(only thing in the world,
if stripped from anything else)

Hunger repressed but looming there
it makes no common or uncommon sense
the guilt lashes out at me
still I sigh and wish
but ah! the Emperor stings
with his plan stiff
but he's gone, he's kicked
he's put to rest for better things

Don't hurt yourself
I am hurting myself
I wasn't even aware
But the damage is done

Negatives of an old life
that wasn't a life at all
but the embryo and the egg
from which everything stems

I need you **** I do
but I lash at myself
and I hurt myself because
I think of you

This is hell
I've been through this
be patient
light wins

I need to snap out
this is not real
this is the devil
absorbing me

But how to snap out
that's where I am now
I need you, oh I do
can you love me
being this wretch
being this supernova
being this mess

Life is a battlefield
so dance! in the sweet intervals

The flashbacks, the ideas
fluttering in my head
Something's pulling out all of my insides
But I am silent instead

They whisper ideas that I can't grasp well
Will I get out of this hell?
Which way?

Because it feels like I love you
but I can't. Every move I do
carries me further down.

I've been here before, no clarity now to show
I remember when I was starting to grow
Arrived some years late
to the parade

Life is ugly and unclear - sometimes
And everything surrounding might be a lie
I can't talk, my mind is held hostage right now
Everything so horrible - yet I can't shout
I can't be, I can't touch
The nourishing battle - away from me now
The life within - is gone

The demons became the canvas
I fight but I no longer slay them,
They creep inside my body
They got me in a kind of a knot again

I love you, I love you, but it hurts
Nothing hurts more than being myself does

I AM NOT OKAY

I am the *****
oh God I've been hurt
I am the ******
oh God I've been damaged

I am the *****
I give myself love
because no one is going to, I know
and tears come to my eyes
but I shake it off with a stranger's touch
I am the ******
I shut down
because pain eats my whole
I run away from what I cherish the most

He could have given me all,
so I give myself to anyone
He could have given me all,
so I can't see his ilk no more

it's no longer my style
to wait for you all night
it's no longer my way
to endure stoically the pain
I'd rather grab my pen,
I'd rather sail away
with my head

I am the *****,
tired of all this play
I am the ******,
every night feverishly touching myself
And we meet at some point,
and we break the same way.
We are one,
we are the shattered hearts
but not right from the start

And maybe you are another oppressive link
to break with

His voice makes me high
His eyes make me fly
He speaks my world of ache, despair
And coats it with piercing beauty instead
My world of black, my breathless world
He was there when it crumbled too
Yet I could not see through
I am behind the veil now, so I do
Existential boredom and hunger for some relief
from everything
even *** seems sickening
Yet I can't stop having it

He is not ****** - but he is a pleasure too
He is an angel - from **** heaven
He is beautiful - he doesn't have to try to
In a bodyless world (what a blessing,
what a curse) I'd be with him of course

God, is it you? God, did he speak?
If you spoke, can we really hear?
It was like a stake through my heart
Like a stroke of cold midnight
Premonitions drenched in fear - should you listen to such things?
How to know whose voice it is?
I heard it say, "he doesn't love you" via small moves
I felt it rip me apart, but maybe I wasn't attuned
These little ideas of reference that take or break
How to know who speaks? Do you speak the language
they use?
everyday carries what you've been looking for
stay tuned, to the world's beat
to the true things
to what you can see! these moments when you can feel
undoubtedly clear
and let go of your fear, that's what it is!

I did it to run from pain
but the pain was still there
And that's how tragedy begets
even if I was not aware
All good and all evil
come from this escapade
Sometimes
you get lost in a dance so intense

That dim obliterating shade
being inexistent, zero, still was there!
That dim obliterating shade
I could not bear

I did it to shut down my brain
it takes our whole lives, this running away
from the cradle to the grave
we are chasing dreams, we are escaping death
(and it is our noblest sin)
and it is right. it is fine.
Just make sure you do it okay.
Do not flee to not come back again.
It's all about reality. Make sure you stay.
In the ever Sun, in the middle lands,
a magic bolt right through your head,
do not forsake yourself

We are here to make sense
in the most ultimate way!
We lose it - thinking we will gain
Do not leave your body - rather wait
And now I admit there was a small ache,
it seems to dissolve, like wonderfully fade.
Last famous words - Let the flow overtake!

I try to write a poem these days...
Building them of tears, cheap thrills
in my brain

Writing my heart out in a page
Because I can't find the way
Intellectual work for the scattered, helpless heart
I'll hang on the phone begging for sense
I'll hang on the phone for order -
in my mess

Oh how I thought I was over this
but life never stops, always a new risk

Oh God, save me this time
Oh God, give me back what's mine
I have questioned, who you really are?
What can I do with this wretch - my mind?
What was it? What is the meaning behind?
Read me like a tarot card.
I will open up bare like a wound that's fresh.
I will show you my guts, my everything.
This is shadow work. This is heavy load.
This is Wheel of fortune. This is part of the road.

I don't understand love
I don't understand what moves humans so
It's not like I don't love myself
but some things are out of reach of my hands

I don't understand how a father
loves his children so much
yet he destroys their lives
in every touch

I don't understand what makes a man
fall for the mess I am
I won't be able to give him what he wants
Maybe he wants me and nothing else
I don't understand anything
anything at all

I don't understand how the greatest thing
means the lowest we can go

I don't understand how you can love
yet your brain play you ***** tricks
against the core of you
But that's my problem, not Cupid's one

So many dead ones for love
and maybe we are wrong
maybe we are thinking we love
but we do other thing

i don't understand love
but i guess
i will learn
if i keep loving, if i keep walking

If you are nothing to me, then
why do you flutter with pain?
I love you but I fled away
Clarity of the late night
when I heard God's voice loud.
You're a cyst stuck on me,
You're a vestigial, deep ache
How can I tell you about my hell
without it swallowing me first?
Every thought of you - has a sense

Is it that I love you?
Oh moment of clarity!
Seize me again

If you read me - listen close
Life reveals itself - you need no tarot
everything a tool - everything a road
Epiphanies - have a thousand if you can
If you read me - you'll see who I am
But I don't know all my maps
Only God, if anyone, does

If you read me - pay attention
no cheat sheets, but you can rely on
all the years you've been here
This net of petty meanings which are deep
(s)He constructs us, (s)he holds the key

...this is the aftermath of death
But I think though I am in the right way

I have been here before!
Fighting a ****** silent battle in my heart
Catatonic and hectic, I was
Confused, utterly lost
I have been before
Trapped and hands tied
Channeling so much ****
Days spent with a twitch
Incapable of hitting the switch!
Days wasted away, days ill
Days too clean
Days without a mouth to speak
too clumsy inside
How to difference which?
What leads to what? What does it all mean?
A prisoner with blurry visions and unclear feels
I have been here before.

But I haven't been before
to the resolution of it all

I have to call my therapist
the only thing keeping me up - this

I think I need the sick spot
the endless gut spilling
it's too much for God's sake
Give myself some rest
Pills, tourniquet, sewing,
creating
healing

I think I need the sick spot
to never go sick again
a little detour to never stray

I have to call her next morning
I might do it or not, but keeps me floating
I am halfway to hell and halfway to bliss
And in the middle, this.

Like I was again dreaming of
that airport where I got lost
I am not anxiously roaming,
because I've got a note
next appointment with her

Clutching my sheets tightly
but so relaxing
Talking to him, calmly
thinking that I have to call you
next morning

He approached me on my way to the Kerry's
And I was scared, because I thought my world
was going to shatter
No more waiting, because
he said:
"Thank you, thank you for what you've said to me
it's good advice
but most of all thanks
for making that big guy over there
smile every day so wide.
He needs a lot, and you are that lot"
It was a poem itself
It doesn't need my 2 cents
I was blown away
You've never said I love you,
now, who cares
He's right: your smile speaks
your body screams

Sad, sad come tonight!
But I gotta explore this, till I go blind
Can't let myself slip from my hand

All that tingling in my skin
Won't all these mirrors tell the truth about me?
The mirror are gone, now grey walls
Sizzling girls, hard *****
Oh, so-called love killed them all
You burn in your own ashes
So you can't burn

And I'm back to the place I come from
but I can't look at it the way I did for so long
This is unbearable emptiness, a vacancy in the heart
And below my shorts.

I've been in the lowest low
and I don't want to go again, because I know!

I am a missing link, I am a restless thing
I can't stop, I can't live, because I miss
I miss what's sacred: bliss
I want so desperately to connect
To tear down those tethers from my head

No learning - just time wasting
Who dragged me here - by my own hand
This paradise-hell of **** and ***** stares
Turned into this dysfunctional state

Saddest ******
No love
Not even that one
Saddest ******
Saddest days
I need to get away
I need a good shrink today
Love hit rock bottom!
Can we go up from there -

The now is all I have
but still I feel starved
I can't wait for **** to happen
I can't wait for us

But the now is all I have
Can't move from what's real
Make my way in this land
while I get what I need

if I crumble, I will crumble with you
love in extremis, we will rise again together
(and who knows if it will be better)
death, death after life
the wheel of the year, the joke on us

strength and weakness
health and illness
the witches, the witches!
live inside of your chest
like hags clawing at what you love best

Unmagic it all so it can be magic again
Unmagic it all so it can be magic again
Reorganize, ******* clean up your brain!
-do nothing instead-
my incantation to myself
Magic never dies, but it resists
any attempt to be sacralized
because the eternal is not holy
it just IS
so swallow your words and your act
swallow all your quest
swallow all that ****

If you can't do anything else
You could taste a minor victory over pain
You could take a ride and write a guide on hell
You could get diamonds from the dry reaver lands
You could make jewelry that ironically hurted your hands
You could document horror with Polaroids
You could win a prize that almost makes you die

In case of emergency - let it out
But not to drown
But to gain control
In case of emergency - ring the alarm

If you can't do anything else
You could try till death
If you can't do anything else,
You could try to survive the terrible fire
And laugh the day it ends.

Poetry might have left me today,
but not joy, I say.
My words run dry but I bloom inside.
Poetry lives now within.
Everything clear - nothing and all to speak
Inmanent poetry - everywhere I see

Is this insecurity?
I tell this friend of mine
We are unfolding the papers
the tight papers of my mind

(I am afraid of the paper now
it brought me once so much pain.
Was I in pain before
or was it brought by the page?)

Is this insecurity
seeking you with a muddy mind
tangling everything I find
taking the happiness from my bite
Misreading cues
and making it all look foul

What is this
No good
There's nothing I can do
But wait and see
It will show
if I was right
or sadly wrong

But it does lie in me
I gotta pull it out
Learn to live with it
"It had never bothered me
till now"

I went with the insecurity
and the fear hand in hand
until I crashed
everything was upside down
I just ****** up

Only if you are mine
the way I am
because I fell too deep
this I do feel
but this is love gone wrong
this is blackness, this is not me
but a shard
of the broken parts