I am a runaway
By choice
By vocation
It's in my veins
But no one chooses ever really
to be on the run
"I just had to"

I am struggling
Like I never did
And I fear losing myself
while I drift
While I fight
I thought, I always get lost
won't you pick up my bones
from the floor
if I fall down again
I won't
if I fall again
trying to stand still
breaking the spell of the house
breaking my million spells
both black and white

All my relaxation has left the building
all the happy paths I drew while dreaming
while planning
replaced with this feeling
that degenerates, fades, changes
but the seed is still alive
i'm still shooting
i'm not dead

How not to let the wrong men in the world
WIN?

He's unworthy of such an ode
But there it is, all I wrote
I don't love him - not at all
but today I got high again
on the remembrance of his love

How you pushed me against the wall
to kiss me in ways I didn't know
The story of my self-contained passion
that I didn't know, I didn't know

It was such a regression - so sweet the air around me!
The places where love breathes
My own heart's a tour through Madrid
My brain tries to work - but I can only feel it all

...if one can call what you gave "love"!
I should have seen it coming before
But I didn't, and I misread
your words and gesture,
you so well disguised!

You're an unworthy starter of riots.
No prize for you in my heart
But today in the subway, I was spawning
I nearly lose my mind (it was fun!)

I stayed looking at them eyes, fixed on him
wondering about you
understanding the world
spinning around
Mother married a fascist I call father
And I'm the uncomfortable offspring there

And him, oh him
He was a reflection of you
A sad, painful, lively reflection
He reminded me of you. But he's no you.

Eyes openclosed tonight.

Loneliness - I carved you with my hand
And life made you to my size
I wasn't even aware of it
I hate you, I love you to death

My life is an empty notebook
A few names written by chance
That I never really invited there
People that bypassed hell

People that were with me
although I was not with them
Too much **** going on in my head
back then

But I do know it's not simply luck
as nothing really is
You are getting engraved like stone
With the rocking rhythm of the years.
(like the sea)

And I wish to break the spell
but it's not easy
being a cupcake amoeba
plus a tube of pills

Loneliness, I bred it on my own
But it's not my fault
I know the answer, not very well
but
it's not the way it was

Loneliness - or rather aloneness
you are the way I am
Aloneness - but
Loneliness - kick you away

He broke me whole
put my pieces back in with a blow
He broke me whole
Suddenly I awoke

He broke me whole
showed a side of me I didn't know
Cold winter, the fire has to break out
He put me on the road
but first, he broke me whole

And no I don't thank him for all the **** he's done
And I know well it ain't love
Not even lust!
He broke me whole
the eternal me forming out of the dust

He broke me whole
but ah, I was the bubble to burst
He did nothing at all
I did it all on my own
I broke myself whole
to rearrange my heart
Love always will tear you up
so you can see what's up
Love is like a kick inside
making sense of what never had
Love is speechless. Like heavenly white.
All word-pregnant, no need to pour out.

You calm down your own fires
The ones you fueled well and strong before.
I am your fire, so take care of me.
So I don’t die, and can make you warm.

You need no diamonds, you need nothing more
But your own will to make me burn.
I am your fire, so take care of me.
So I don’t die, and can make you warm.

Just drop me a line, “i miss your touch”
“I’m away from you but i miss you much”
Anything from you.
You are my fire. Keep me warm.

We are each other’s fire, and so we burn…
The conflagration of us…
The relieving fire of existence

We were watching Happiness
Alone in the dark
We got so hot we could
not hold it back

When under love's spell
Your rules and prisons are bent
You break your hidden doors
Discovering something lying ahead...
Moans high like heaven

When in love
you see things a different way
New senses everywhere
New realizations sent

When deeply in love
You can catch the world
And see the motions you never saw before
The colors they change
You read the signals
In a new fangled take

But I broke way too fast

Now it's a whole different day
Although love remains
And I find myself thinking
the crazy things I did

When in love
A little spice at the door
Thoughts they go crazy
while having fun...

When under love's influx
I lost touch with it
Even with myself
In favor of something else...

But oh God the good love
It's this life's true taste
All that we aim for
Unstable true happiness

But oh God the good love
It's a kiss on a long long night
It opens your eyes
Shows from you a side
you didn't know you had

Tell me where do you draw the line

Why do I feel like this?
I feel you away from me
Have I fallen too deep?

Now everything's fine
are we close to die?
This pressure in my chest
this loneliness

And it's not up to you
and neither up to me it seems
that loving you carries
of sufferment a little tear
It wasn't like this
it is my fear, beating strong
killing me

And this fever consumes me
it's heavenly, are you ill too?
And my desire runs deep
All I need, all I need

Why do I feel like this?
(should be doing CBT)
I try to understand
I try to find some peace
I know your love for me
is strong
but sometimes I just can't see it

Toll the bells!
because we are not anymore
what we were
our happy funeral
with uplifting songs
and heart taking hymns
with merry chants
with sweet Deep moans
with wide smiles
with tears dropping from our eyes
as we say goodbye
as I know we'll always love each other
as we taste the last time
as the city waves goodbye
a kiss in each corner, in each subway station
a remembrance - of what bloomed these days
But my past chases me
I chase my own steps
I am the wolf of my own dreams
I sacrifice myself to stay alive
But no longer
Stunted growth has to go
as I venture into the city lights again
the city lights that spoke your name
the things I will never forget
I might be back (I know this getting away is merely to be back)
but when?

I need to flee
to find out
who I am meant to be

Dramatically altered and changed
I am the same but oh, never again
Hell strikes back - what am I to do?
Bring back this state - its good fruits

I can witness my old pain
it doesn't look the same
the mirrors do reflect
but anyway I see myself...

[I saw it clear, dear
I (we) can't stay here
Maybe I was so high
but only high I think right]

Pick my pieces from the floor
make sense of this mess
that has rearranged my heart
this blurry epiphany I've had
looked through by London's eyes

I saw a flickering bright light!
Just a second - enough because so much shine!
an omen that -maybe- things were right
I saw a luminary
I have to process and think
but it's an apparition
I can't let go to just dissappear

Because it never was perfect at all
but this is how perfect was born

And London is an escape
London is a hiding place
where you confront reality
in trippy, playful new ways

My smile was true and wide
no pain, just enjoying the ride
why it can't be like that all the time?
Perched on worries melting to the Sun

Because it never was perfect at all
but this is how perfect was born.

I know how to quickly dissolve
in literary forms
But you must beware, be aware, because...
He didn't **** you - you don't know what really hurts
Life is wider than all of these thoughts

I'd rather have Lil' Kim than McKinnon
I'd rather feel ***** and filthy
That we women are still shamed
for feeling, behaving this way!

Not all men are enemies - you are a Iago, poisonous snake
whispering noisily on our ears
But I'm over it because with LOVE I am filled.

And this is the crux of it:
you can **** yourself. You can ****.
You can drive to your ruin. Who's to blame?
Not you, but not him.

I have a man. He's the one.
He's got me. I am his, whole.
Shame me for feeling in love!
Shut up, you fake feminist.
Stop your spell, your undersexed kiss.

Love and **** - then we'll talk

I am ***** a thousand times
but not in the ways you describe
I am ***** by men calling me a ****.
I am ***** by a system that doesn't understand.
I am ***** by women like you - ****** my brains

Girls keep blowing! they'll keep touching you ****
Men don't deceive us - we will not answer to this

If you can't do anything else
You could taste a minor victory over pain
You could take a ride and write a guide on hell
You could get diamonds from the dry reaver lands
You could make jewelry that ironically hurted your hands
You could document horror with Polaroids
You could win a prize that almost makes you die

In case of emergency - let it out
But not to drown
But to gain control
In case of emergency - ring the alarm

If you can't do anything else
You could try till death
If you can't do anything else,
You could try to survive the terrible fire
And laugh the day it ends.

Every day is a fight for me
a sweet, calm, strong, ever battle
but at least I can fight it
not like now,
i am reduced to nought
there's nothing for me to talk about

the confusion is way too much
my thoughts in a foggy knot

I lose myself
when I lose you

I was so eager to see you,
late evening of Christmas.
Bag full of books,
one desire inside (you)
I was falling, even if I didn't know.
I greeted you with a kiss on the lips
that you seemed to run away from

You wanted me in your bed,
you wanted a quick ****
You wanted something different
You were not hooked like that
But all I had was thirst for your love
My *****, unclean love you set free
on a dark Barceló street

And this is what you become.
A faded memory sometimes too strong.

In your room I saw your sweetness
and when we walked I saw it too
Bewitched under your lights
Emanating, I thought, from you
But you were a night inside
Steamy and cold at the same time

Bleeding like a rose in love
I was. You said you were happy,
that we'd meet again.
But I could see things going other way.

Your lack of satisfaction.
This ***** game we played.
The way you run away from my love
in the streets, you don't want connection with me.

I should have read the signals
that you merely wanted to ****.
But I was in too deep and I listened to no one's advice

So now I see, past the growling,
the words, the songs, everything.
Past the lies you told me.
They are too many.

I woke up one day
(it wasn't just one day but many of them)
And I looked in the mirror
and it wasn't me!
I could not recognize a thing...
best feeling in years

I could not match
what I am with who I was
I've been rewired from scratch
A new-old me shines
I've been altered - I hope it's for life

Who I was meant to be
away from all that I used to be
phobia, fear
breaking down, scream

And who am I to blame
for this dramatic change?
Was it pills, was it me, was it fate?

It wasn't the girl that I had been
the feelings and actions I had seen
all that I had came to be...
drifting away to darker roads
I have been reborn
maybe I have to thank God

The pink around me swallowed me whole
Everything was pink! Coloring my bones
Everything was in order - but all of my own
The water started boiling - after years in full stop
Maybe a lifetime, I could not tell - it was so long

And now I cry - and now I shake
and now I ache - but I am not the same
I am the wooden girl, the alien
made human -saved- by whose hand?
Her own spell

Between two waters
I am
i don't know even how to call them
but they are there

You better flee, flee away from here!
And stay at the same time
an equilibrium you'll find
not to end up killed or killing
chase your true dreams
chase your true self

I find this is my place
I find these are my folks
I find I can make it in the city of lights
but not without you, my lovely darkness, my only light

I've acquired some bad habits
since we left
My soul has been ****** away
and so does my pain

I am enclosing myself
but isolation feels so well

I am crossing to the other side
the one that saw me come to life
Like a baby - my birth was hard to live through
and shocking and confusing and sad
but this time
it's a different kind of ride

It was easier to reach back in time
It came natural but it was limp inside
I never speak for others,
merely from my side
This paradise that feels defective
lacking shine
I am dragging myself down
I am starving myself - on my bones

I've acquired bad habits since we broke up
High on confusion, poetry and legal drugs
My space is being taken up
This witchcraft - this spell that's cast

And a line of meaning, the junction
struggles to be found
It comes, but it is too big to hold at once
He saw me come from the underground
He saw me spring and wrap him in my love
But it's not enough

I am dying and waking up at the same time
Crazy state of mind
I never stopped being such -

Xeplion advert and I fix my eyes
"you cannot go further than that"
I am watching it and I am just a child
lost in the jungle pitch black
of my mind
A life broken, a life begun
Xeplion advert - now I can reconstruct
I became a ****** flower
no you can't play with my power
no you can't **** with me
you can tame but never extinguish
the fire in me

You were my light
I held you as a match
I see now with open eyes
And I see our fabrics,
and they are worlds apart

Your lack of sense is captivating
But it is what it is
We are antithetic - made of different fires
I wished once I was you
Now I know it wouldn't be cool

Now I see who we are
We are islands - what the ****?
Now I see your meaning exact
Empty - of all my pain and all my stars.

I live for this. This is my intellectual, vital ******, yes
No shaking but stillness instead...
Complete visions - interconnectedness
everywhere, this bunch of pains acquires some sense!
I live for apparitions, blinding lights, and no turning back points.
I live for fullness, laying in your bed satisfied and knowing.
To know. To uncontrol. To know.

I live to see, to understand, moreover to live.
I started writing again, to wake up from existence's death bed
I live to watch - to witness the gifts of the Earth
running through my wasted veins
I live to see - I live to tell

And the broken vase seems to fit
And suddenly, it could be fixed!
Visions chasing me
that's one of my dreams
Not to know too much, but to feel
to feel the front and back doors of the mind
open wide.

And some visions ache
some visions break
but a vision is always God sent
A vision makes me high
why should I look something else

Jung, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer and me
Lost in translation - lost in the sea
Wandering in the corridors - deathly, sweetly
A rolling wave threatens my head - I fight it this way

The embrace of her philosophy teacher
satisfies her
She's a spark; she'll be on fire
but no one seems to see what goes inside her
Philosophy lover because there's nothing else
than going over and over about the meaning and the pain

Beautiful alien philosopher! Her lover says
but she's so kept to herself
She knows the world by books, not by contact or sense
Now she waves goodbye those days
Where philosophy grew strong but life went astray
and so philosophy lost its way
She craved living, but living didn't take her hand
She was a ticking bomb, could be that

But I declare
you can know the world by wire.
It's like knowing the world
from behind a curtain
Through a glass, in a map
Although I know the accidents
first hand.

So in the end it's philosophy and me.
Growing flowers from concrete.
A definite kind of beauty
at the core of everything

I've got too many sensations to write them down
they flutter around me, they are so loud

I was a Bonsai girl - severed and shaped by your love
I forgot who I was - addicted to your drugs
I need to grow - once again
Will I get trapped? In my own wild foliage
Nothing holds me back - not you, not I
So sweet your bed - but I need something else

The doors are wide open - I just can't say no
I should have done this much before
Day 0 will save us all

Manless! Because I can
There is calmness, human connection, warmth!
There is a world apart from ***
There is a world less rough over there
Rite of passage passed - I am sane
Let me lose my mind again
I was not alone all this time - and I don't need a man
A new era opens its jaws - I go all for it now

We are far
And then we talk
Are you with someone else
We say "yes"

And I'm with someone too
but I hate him to my bones
He's just a shadow of me and you
What are we doing then
with our days
What kind of stupid charade
Game do we play?

But if you break up now, I'll rush back to your arms
I've realized I love you much, now I do
And the others, they are crap
They don't fill my heart
His touch is not yours [at all]

And I start to cry
And I laugh
like a maenad in ecstasy
touching the sky
with our fingertips
And we talk, we cannot stop
this re-joining of the souls
Could swallow me whole

But if you break up now, I'll rush back to your arms
I've realized I love you much, now I do
And the others, they are crap
They don't fill my heart
His touch is not yours [at all]

I've had many men all this time
Trying to find your hand

I have high dreams
of liberty
They say I ask for too much,
but all I ask for is life
A hand under my pants, if I feel like
If not, I'll watch the lights shine
A sun smiling at me, a moon lulling me to sleep
A poster with Amy and Courtney
Telling me: "you are strong! You can do this!"
This is merely a dream, but I will do anything
This is possible. This could be.
The doors open, like a wound on the flesh
It hurts but it could hold the key to this
I will do anything for this
I haven't spoke ever so candidly, I never did.

Not all that sparkles and peaks
is it
Not all that happens
it's real
The whiteness took my limbs, and lulled itself
to sleep, to sleep, to sleep.

Reach yourself in the strangest ways
The weird, weird timing of days!
Pay no attention to your brain
It will try to trick you anyway
"Shut my mind", I say
Free my pathways
Free me from myself

I said, "I'm darkness" but I lied
I'm darkness, are you the light?
I have light inside to set free
It just takes me and only me

I said, I'm only happy when it rains and that's right
There's a hole in my heart that life cut
So deep it can't be sewed back
But let's keep on trying, let's keep on driving

I said, I'm darkness, so you get used to the concepts
The concepts in my brain...
Some of us need a fully human savior
or a whole load of them!
This ray of light in the rain, something fused with the landscape
A sweet surprise in the end of your drink
You might get away from me, it's true
If you only knew...
But this tastes sweeter, truer, than any kiss could
Or so!

Semi-ray of light, in a weird rainfall
Rain so colourful, all around me, yeah

This might be a true ray of light
for me, for us
Walking in old new shadows
in my door

Don't
leave
me
now
I need you

When I was
unexamined
things flowed
and sparked
at irregular intervals
of time

I expected nothing
and it happened
sweet something
sweet serendipity

You're away so I'm back again

Guys from everywhere
Call out my name
While you're away
What do you do
when I'm not there?

In the bus, in the Internet, in the train
You opened the faucet, my love!
I was out! Now I'm not!
I'm back again!
They are everywhere
Wanting to get to know me well
Wanting to get inside my pants, yeah
To restart the process again...

The world in my hands today
But it's not like it was yesterday
I've been here, I could say
While you're away, I drown my head
in those streets of the world
paved within phones
"I vacuumed out my head
Jumping from bed to bed"
But my name's not Gretel
And I'm waiting for the phone to ring
I want it to be you, but surely it is him

The promise of love again
Can you reach that apple?
Is it too far away?

Every now and then
a happy poem comes
From my lips, from my thoughts
Sometimes sweet for my tongue

And it's surprising - it feels odd
But it came alone, on its own
A feeling that I can fight it all
Despite the bitterness of this ******* world
A feeling of beauty in chaos
A feeling I won't give up
A feeling of calmness, peace inside
Growing in my room or in the outside
Growing in me, a sense of relief
A sense of beauty, a grasp of it

María says I am such a special one
so original so individual
so sparkly so peculiar
she reads me and it's been two days
is she an angel? my ****** brain says
Giving me money instead of manna
And doing so with a smile

María speaks a lot
says I am an assertive gal
When she puts the finger in my wounds
it gets hard to talk
When she says there must be a root to all this
I think, can she really see?

María sees all but she doesn't see at all
she doesn't know the foremath
she doesn't know the full extent
she hasn't seen the wounds in my arm
she hasn't seen the mist or my fall
who really cares?

You don't know how hard it has been

Tomorrow the tables will turn, images pile in my head
Your sweet kiss that turned sour is gone
but so is my anguish
The sky is clear tonight
So much fight, so much strife
You could not handle it and neither could I

I will miss this, but awhile
I see my uncertain future, I won't wait for that
Life never turns out the way you thought
And my life looks awake, I can hold no more
Oh you truly awakened me
I had been sleeping for too long.

It seized me that way in class
You and I, what the ****?!

My thoughts got out of my hand
I could tell no one, my knotted heart
The answer was one I could speak
but I doubted I could feel
Everythings gets so ******* twisted
So hard to see clear
Like a fire it threatened to sweep what I held dear
Guess what? Not what y'all think
Guess what? it's not "us"

But now
You've got a girl and I've got my man
And all of a sudden, the doors opened up:
(no more doors of hell, please)
And I had seen clearly who we are
I had a sun like vision
I saw it in a bus downtown:

We are like two vessels of blood
that need to flow together, side to side
They stick around but never come together
They are friends, they are not lovers

This wound will close in time!
When it's over I will probably laugh

what if they cannot handle
what we know it's true
They could not handle me
They could not handle you
What if my mom thinks I *******
What if the world thinks I love you
This is the simplest, truest way:
you are simply my friend
and it's up to me
to handle it all well

Once upon a time
My ***** throbbed real hard
I was caught in desires
The hidden side of me, now

And I forgot who I am
because of life's binds and bounds
And now you ask me about
that part of life that remained outside
and always inside
You ask me about that side
that never died
only slept too Deep

My past - I never got to accept
It was family, dad saying - why you support them?
It was hurtful, life stripped me bare
But I had no recollection of hurt
It was simply there

Once upon a time
my life shone with potential
I had life running through my veins
like blood rushing to the brain

My secret of girls
my secret of love
my secret of truth
my secret of my fate
hidden somewhere

Once upon a time
I was not hurt
and that's why my *****
throbbed oh so hard.

Got blackened with fear
while I tried hard
to focus on your kiss
but the thing is
you have to fly free,
life is an imperative,
and you must listen to it

healed in my sleep
with your love filled
healed by peace
I want to catch it,
once I did

I know - it's all my mind's scheme
but it will lead me somewhere
and I hope it's far away from here
far from yesterday's ****

Hearts and *****
Pink so punk
Strawberry Sweetcake
but so high, so drunk!
*** and candy
Raunchy fancy
I'm a star, I'm a *****
I am something you fear
I shine - but you don't want to see

I want it all in my bag!
and in fact, I can!
Don't tell me I can't be what I want
I can be all I need

I can't put it into words
so I buy clothes
I need no speech
me as me

menhera kawaii ****** **** chick
punk kinderwhore emo with *******
I play with everything!
I know who I am
his ***** dream
and I'm loving every minute of it...
my own woman giving in to nothing
but me and my dreams
living in the clouds, writing my stuff
look at me, you don't understand what you see
do you think I care? less than you think

You'll go to the trash can!
Because you can't keep up

You'll be trashed, garbage one
You'll be disposed
I don't buy your words
I know men so good after all

So there we go
our broken hearts
we are defective ones
that don't deserve a chance!

I've got an itch all over me
I've got an itch in my dreams
Making me scream
Making me feel
I use other's hands to scratch away
but there's a point that makes it halfway
but there's a part that's gone astray
Yet the itching's burning, I need some release
I need someone's kiss...
Lips come together bodies rub
Oh yeah! but...
My life's circuits have been turned off
My skin has been peeled away
And this strange itch is what remains.

This is the price you pay
For being close - to her
A fundamental death of you
Clothed as life's substitute

But when the light comes - it never comes
His arms - I cannot react all I can
Maybe it's not my light
Where the **** is my light

I am a tangled, idle web
I want to untangle - for God's sake!
But my ropes are used to this
They find comfort and bliss
in the lack of beat
(And they build a rhythm, of the soul
A survival guide for the heart
A new generation
An old music
so everything's kept in place)
For it meant trouble, a lot of time ago
Can I go back to myself? Should I go?
This is the real web
What others put me through
I am nothing but the consequence
of what they did to me

Find an answer - real soon
Gotta move
even sooner

It hurts so much to love both of you
Knowing you are the key to my lock
and my mind is diverting itself, though

I can see for miles, I can feel it all
Pain swallows me - the both of us
Are you cheating on me
Am I cheating on you
Diverted from me - I never denied a thing!
I need you so much
My mind is diverting itself, I point out

The night is pregnant with possibilities
might or not they come true
The night I avoided and drowned in you
My only meaningful night - you, you, you!

My mind is diverting itself
it's like an itch i don't want to scratch
yet it props me up

The promise of danger - in my veins!
******* torture - all over the place!

Oh, sapphic ghost
I am there with you
I never thought you'd be back
10 years after all that
Shapeshifter, but I know your act

You're not my friend
I am not one of you girls
Pretty girls with the short hair
and kisses below the waist
but I gravitate
to the grey line where you play

Am I losing depth
Am I losing myself
I found myself in a black pit
had to get out anyway

I have been mistaking
things all along
but isn't making mistakes
what this life is for?

Carried to the easy
carried to the grave
it's an oasis
where slowly creeps in death

But you can't fix it with a thought
Only energy will fill that hole
You like girls - what's wrong?
What's wrong - I miss a man's touch

I know the secrets to the universe - one day at a time

The nun's dream -teaching contraceptives-
a nightmare to me
The killing drum of biology
Terrible, unavoidable, troubling

(You'll never go through this
so what do you keep spilling ****?
You don't know the pain, the need
this nightmare you'll never live)

I can't believe - this is my life
A shaking fear, and a predictor in my bag
Everything spins, dizzy stomach

Me - a mother
Me - crying, smothered
by the rhythm my body dictates

This is your punishment - you should have never went there
kissed his lips and let him use his hands
You should have never played the sweetest dirtiest game
You should have never said "Yes" to him
You know - this is what happens to bad girls
I say, whispering, to myself
This is the latest doom

And now the sky is clear - with this proof passed
I went through this - another poem, another invisible scar
And now I smile - it was nothing, nothing at all
And now it all seems over -I'm back

I don't think y'all know
Shut your mouth

I am dying
Or at least it's the way I am feeling
I died with a smile on my face
Tell the moral majority
That will show them they won over me
They won't bring flowers to my tomb
Because they don't see the difference between death and life

I was rising from the dead
No you won't send me back there

Girl 18 diagnosis unknown
possible BPD but we don't know
This year I broke down
Starting roaming around stations and places
Looking for a place to heal my bruises
What bruises? I can't tell anymore
So numb, so sore
A year that meant too much
you can see the toll in the lines in my arms
you can see my eyes are sick without love
I am building a story; it wasn't me who wove it
I swallowed everything - like a sailor lost in the dark sea
that will do anything to be saved
he promises anything because he saw death
I am so lost, I don't know who to trust anymore.
Waking up every day in a haze
Sweet haze of pain!
She's Ophelia, on the make
Although she doesn't know the name
And shattered and displaced
inside
Looking so good so disturbed
Listening to Top40 songs
meaning her whole heart...
did nothing at all, yet I'm tired of everything
I know nothing, but I know all about hurt
The devil is creeping into my head
He interferes with my sleep. He kills my dreams.
I am learning to be a good girl. Even if it tears me apart.

I want to be your star
Despite the ******* hole in my heart
I want to be your star
so I can benefit from that
I tried to leave the ward
But the ward holds me close at times
You will leave, you will leave
because you cannot handle me
I cannot handle myself!

Can you see above
our names written like I do
Can you see the lines intersecting - I do
Can you see us in the same ship
Are we? Are we?
What am I to you?

God knows I don't want to marry you
But I do want you

The sight of someone else
destroys me whole inside
The sight of you not envisioning what I see
makes me feel weak

And I put away everything for you
Do you see what I see?

What do you think there is further?
What kind of milk and honey lies there -
what paradise do I expect?
Can't you see things for real?
You're running away
Again

Icelandic men with lips full open
Surprises that I can sense but not know
No duties for a wandering soul!
Nights of riot and pleasure, days with the Sun
the feeling that I'm on the right road
to a destination of my own

I have no idea where those things are
but it is like an imperative right now
I've got to carry on

People don't write poems about things like this
They are not the things that really make you live
but they can be what makes you die

The pressure in my head, the doubt inside
They threaten me with insecurity
They threaten me with fickleness
Because it's not it what I'm fighting
but myself

A dream thrown to the garbage bin
Somethings I never was, will never be
My life goes through odd rivers
and I sweat the fever
the first moment I encountered it
because that's what it does
I see better in the darkness,
because every light burns brighter?
My mind operates in strange
motions

Am I sure about what I'm going to do?
I was, until you came and shot my true dreams.
You shot the meaning out of me.
But it's not your fault, hear
it wasn't you but me

What do I want from life?
All I want is to be free and keep breathing
And get away as fast as I can
But I must pass this test before
The otherness creeping under the door
to my eyes

I must do something
but what I love I cannot do -my mind binding me-
and it's the only thing I can do! -my fate showing me-
This is what I feel
is my problem now

I feel like I was 13 again
Betting to one card all of my fate
Because there's no other chance
Going to therapists...but with a change:
Now I fight with all it takes.
I've been - radically expressed

I feel like in a different space and time
But this time, it is a different hue, a new shine

I will fight because
I've already been through too much.
I will get down and *****
when it comes to living

Tell me how he pulls sounds from my throat
like no one does
the waters scream his name
they roar
He plays the strings of my heart
(Love is the biggest turn on)
And oh you Little boy
you give me joy
but nothing reaching his...

We are broken
but one day we'll be mended
I'll be mended
Because you have meant everything to me
in fact, you mean, and I cry on the street
for you, for you, for me, for us.

Oh my man, I won't forget
but there's a catch, there's always one
breaking all my love, wretching all I get
I know I never said so,
but I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I will be back sooon.

Victim of the bleaching waves, we all will be

Iron branded we are, because of our heart
She read me quickly - I pulled back
She carries a life - and so do I
You think you are a broken one
But you haven't stepped on broken glass
Haven't been to our hidden land

Our land fed by secrets and truth
You don't wear a halo on your head
making problems, making sense
Taking all the people from you - away!
And it is our reality, our double edged sword
People instantly look away the moment we're told.
A name, a word - means so much
This secret - opresses my insides
The secret burns my throat
Let it out - I'm close...
but never enough

You think you are a broken one
But girl, you are far.
It hurts?
Only when we can't show our weird pattern
to the world

Shuffling men like one shuffles fate
Really has no type of sense
but a lot of meaning there

She's just a little lost cheater
She gets high on the thrill of the hunt
She's clueless but she conceals it good
as well as she can do

This is an ugly move
This is something not cool
This red thread around my neck
Giving me hope and anxiety and chills
Strangling me with a kiss

I am cheating on you.
Can you say you haven't been there too?
Our million emotional affairs
That dragged down what we felt
This pain...this love so close to death

Truth shines but truth is schizophrenic and elusive like me
I just see omens coming clean, my helplessness cleaning up the mess

And I want none of them.
I could love them - I could learn
But I'd be still who I am
I'd still be myself
With all my stars and all of my hell.
So I would rather learn
the routes of my maps and pathways