she tastes like something
inside slick
and red between the legs,

her mouth makes lips
make hips
and i between them

churn thickly
over the cup and hem
hot within bleeding;

my mouth drinks her
lips speaking–
drinking lips

and mouth, my
fingers drown inside
her; i kiss over fumbling


and she tastes

(and i taste)

inside our mouth:

rust,

       .

these things of dreaming:

"I will always love thee."

(there is no love:

"I just want to ****–and then die."




                            )

THERE

IS

SO

MUCH

CROWD,

AND

YET

I AM

SO

LONELY !!

poetry is easy because
my thoughts which are so fragmented
i can lay them on paper
and fragmented is no longer
conjoined by stanza and meter
poetry creates thought
out of concated neural signals
and it makes sense
it's so much easier than writing

which is like squeezing the juice out of a dry lemon
or something
of incredible effort and herculean force
writing requires
direction and focus and foresight
far beyond what i can provide

and poetry i jsut ramble and it becomes
an art form i am ok with and i just spit
and it's great and free

where as when i write i am constrained
by second guessing and creative loathing

poetry is easy.

"from the second that i was born, it seems i've held a loaded gun."

fourteen. ts, i choose my ******* boyfriend over you. you were always there for me. i never say sorry.

fourteen. em, you make me feel special. i make you feel stupid for liking me. you spend three years trying, i spend that time acting like a *****. i never said sorry.... for this.

fifteen. tdl, i lie to you over and over, mostly when i promise to be careful with my own life. i say sorry and i mean it a little. selfish. ******.

fifteen. al, life became about me in the worst way. i apologize two years later, two years too late. all i talked about was me and my ****. you had ****, too.

fifteen. jm, i hold your hand to a kitchen burner. this is the worst thing i have done and probably  will ever do. i was so tired of your hands. i spill mouthfuls of apologies to you for a year. i am still unsure if i owed you a single one.

fifteen...... you deserved better and my **** choices ruined your chances. i am so
so
so
sorry.

sixteen. em, i use you all year. i use you when i want and throw you away when i want. then it happened, you were thrilled, i was terrified. i fix my problem and simultaneously destroy hope in you. i said sorry and didn't mean it at all. you hate me to this day and you should.

sixteen. di, i make you a million promises. i find out everything you want in life and i pretend to be that. you hit me in a parking lot for this. i still like to pretend you never happened.

sixteen. al, bathroom floor. tears. panic. phone call. terror in your eyes. i am still so sorry. selfish.

seventeen. im sorry to myself for a million things. i wake up when i find true love and realize how reckless i have been. i feel like apologizing to everyone.

nineteen. mt, i am two years into this with you and still my heart breaks for her.
i don't dare tell you.
it'd break yours.

twenty. mt, i have to follow my heart. i have to run to her and let you take the fall. you were my best friend. i am so very sorry.



the hurt ive caused haunts me every day of my life.
the guilt i feel are weights of varying impossibilities.
i don't think i will ever learn to let go.

No one has ever asked
So no one ever knows
How do I feel
It's like I speak in codes
For one I am tired
Of crying and yelling
Of being sad and pretending
Of being alone and angry
Of feeling stuck and angry
Of needing help and remembering
Of being different and missing thing
                                  
                                                                ­  I AM TIRED...
                                                        ­                                                    I am tired of being stepping stones
                                                          ­                                                           Of being forgotten and alone
                                                           ­                                                         I tired of all the pain and hurt
                                                            ­                                                         Of being treated just like dirt
                                                            ­                                         I am tired of wanting the easy way out
                                                             ­                                                                Of being pushed around
                                                          ­           TIRED
                        T-
                        I-
     ­                   R-
                        E-
                ­        D-
T - tired of being tormented
I- tired of trying to impress
R- tired of my rage
E- tired of my emotions
D- tired of death

                                                          ­       I AM TIRED
                                                           ­                                             I am tired of sickness that haunts me
                                                              ­                                       I am tired of my own brain that taunts
                                                          ­                                                                 ­ Of being called a coward
                                                          ­                                                                 ­    Of feeling overpowered
                                                     ­                                                           I'm tired of look beyond the bad
                                                             ­                                                                 ­    I'm tired of being sad
                                                             ­                                       I am tired of all the burden to my stress
                                                          ­                                                                 ­   I'm tired of all this mess
                                                            ­                                                           I'm tired of feeling worthless
                                                       ­                                                            I'm tired of having no purpose
                                                         ­ I AM TIRED
I am tired of setting my goals aside
I am tired of the saying "I tried"
I am tired of ending up as a last choice
I am tired of feeling remorse
I am sick and ******* tired of life........
                        always getting the best of me....
                                                          ­                                        I am tired of wondering "what could be"
                                                          I AM TIRED
I am tired of endless hope
I am tired of being the world's biggest joke
                                                          I AM TIRED
                                                           ­                                       I am tired of being tired because you see
Being tired caused these endless emotions...
                                                     ­                                                                 ­                            Out of me...
                                             I AM TIRED OF BEING ME
                                CAN YOU HEAR MY EMOTIONS NOW?
                                        DO YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL?
                              OR DO YOU CHOOSE NOT TO NOTICE
                                                          ­    I AM ...
                                                             ...TIRED