Standing in the shadow of the day
Enveloped by the darkness
Petrified to step into the burning light
Watching humanity self destruct
from the comfort of my shadow
The sadness and guilt drive me closer to the edge
Wanting to just put one hand out
To try and save even one soul from destruction
Even though I know that doing so will only leave me burnt
Still I cower in my solidarity
I lock away all the inner decay
Hoping that by hiding it from the light will make it go away
So cold and lonely here
Yet I find the pain familiarly soothing
This shroud of emptiness and resentment have become my cloak
Sheltering me from the dagger of society piercing what is left of this heart
Sparing me the rejection of others
And the judging eyes of the hypocrites that fill the streets of hell
Exchanging only brief glances
Screaming out for help with a single stare into the eyes of another
Praying that someday someone would see the sadness and rescue me
Only problem is I am surrounded by demons not angels

As the chill of winter begins to fade
The trees begin to show signs of new life
Flowers begin to bloom and reach for the glowing sunlight
I sit on my back porch on a warm spring evening
Gentle breeze blows through my hair
My eyes drift closed and the smell of new born honey suckle plants
Paint the breeze with a light sweet fragrance
I am instantly taken back 20 years into my past
Days of carefree fun, playing as a child
Climbing trees, skint knees
Riding Bikes til dark, Exploring in the woods
Me and my brother frantically hunting for the biggest and sweetest
honey suckle on the bush.
Even for a small moment my innocence is returned
Intact and as if it never left me
Oh if I could live in that memory, true and unaltered happiness
Free and easy
Effortlessly moving through life on a wave of honey suckle breath

Why do I sit and ponder and analyze every aspect of this life?
Spending hours and days contemplating my place in this world
Day dreaming of how I wish my life had turned out
Imagining the day that fate will finally show me favor

Why are some people easy to leave behind but others break you to your soul?
Why do we want the ones who don't want us?
Why is that I can't bare the thought of not having you in my life?
Why can't I see the reality in front of my face?
Is it just a chemical reaction that causes the bond I feel?
Is it all in my head?
I feel as though I am losing what is left of my sanity
I would live through a thousand heart breaks to be in your presence
Would endure any pain that may come from this decision
With ease and pleasure
why?

Why do I seem to seek those who take my love for granted?
Those who use and abuse me
Why do I always look for the other shoe to drop?
Why can't I at least have contentment?
Why is happiness so brief and fleeting for me?
Why do I see only certain people through rose colored glasses?
Why am I cursed with an imagination so vivid that fantasy and reality begin to blur?

Every moment of the past 33 years I have hidden
Behind this veil of vanity
Covering every doubt and self destructive thought with a  lie of arrogance
Seems that the scars of the past still exist
Deep down under the woman you see
Lies the scared, unsure, timid little girl
That was bullied and torn down
Not  just by her peers but also by those she gave her love and trust to
Never truly able to be herself, so scared of judgement
Terrified of rejection
No one could every really love her, because reality was that she never exposed her true personality
As a young child she put on shows
Pranced around in all the jewlery and pretty clothing she could find
Begging for the attention, she couldn't give herself
Over achieving at every task
Desperately  trying to mold herself to what others wanted her to be
Bragging of her beauty and exposing her body
All in a failed attempt to draw attention away from the mortified child inside
So photogenic, so prissy and proper
So damaged, so broken
Would she eventually believe the ruse she had performed for so long?
Or would she become more and more disguised by the veil hanging heavy over her face
Her breathe becoming quick and labored
Her skin beginning to sweat from the heat of the sun
Everything spinning, becoming dizzy
Until this reality becomes the only option
Until this veil becomes her face for eternity

For just a day if I could lock my perception of reality away
And see through the eyes and heart of another soul
To truly be able to walk in your shoes
I can only imagine how transcending it could be
Could I discover new words, new worlds, new emotions
Being able to feel what you feel
Touch what you touch
Inhale your world as my own
Breathe in every new experience
A new born baby viewing in awe this new world
Taking each step in stride and each moment as my last
Able to watch the movie of memories
Sensing past pains and new hopes
Sharing your greatest hopes and dreams
No longer just an audience member
Now a major player in this scene of existence
No longer blind to what appears on the surface
Diving deep into the center of your being
Finally able to embrace the heart that is hidden so far beneath the exterior
Wisdom of understanding
Giving a new found appreciation for your life
Honestly able to console and empathize
Now knowing what makes your inner time piece click
Opening up a infinite world of possibilities for our future

Drawn to you like a powerful magnet
My soul recognized yours and once that energy met
There was no pulling us apart
How strange to feel so strongly toward another soul
Even though time in each other's presence has been short
My heart and body yearns to be near him
A strange form of attraction
Never experienced
New and rare
An immediate connection
Seems like I have been standing still in the same place for so long
Then I was jolted when I started speeding toward him
Involuntarily moving into his space, into his arms
Chemical reaction, electrical impulses have taken over
So familiar yet never experience
Savoring every moment, every second we get
I know how fleeting this feeling is
I have had the butterflies many times
But they never lasted, they changed and morphed into agonizing pains
How amazing would it be if they stayed
I am a dreamer and yes my heart is permanently attached to my sleeve
I follow my heart and emotions
Even if they make me do crazy irrational things
No matter how hard I try I can not change that aspect of me
Its impossible to remove the whisper of hope deep down in my heart
The chance that the one may be out there for me
May end in heartache
May end in eternity
The fact of not knowing keeps this hopeless romantic wondering
Will the gravity between us remain unchanged?

At twelve years old
S/he recognizes
The s is now mis-placed;
S/he's not a tom-boy,
But a real boy,
Running
His own race.

A male child born, ***-wise,
His mind not made-up,
Not by a long shot.
He needs time to grow,
For now he could dress
Like Oscar Wilde,
Anyway's good for this child.
At six he follows
Male role models,
So confused.
Dysphoria soon insists,
Sets in to ambiguity,
Leading him to his feminine side,
Where her gender surely resides.

Alone he sits in an empty pew
Enveloped in the silence of his mind
Old aged wood creeks and echoes through the sanctuary
As he drops to his knees
The only light is a sliver of sunshine cascading through the stained glass
portrait of a savior
Creating an almost heavenly glow, illuminating the hope buried deep in his soul.
He begins to pray but is interrupted
by the devious acts that plague his past
Haunted by decisions
Marked for eternity by the path he has chosen to travel
Memories and regret flood his heart
How can he be forgiven by his creator if he cannot forgive himself?
Blinded by guilt that has ridden havoc on his physical body and his spiritual soul
A small whisper tickles his ear
So faint, so soft
Like a lullaby sung to a small child
Where does it come from?
What is the source of its existence?
He recognizes the melody but can't remember the words.
An hypnotizing tune that drew him to this very place
Faith, however faint and tiny
Fleeting breeze it may seem
Has taken root long ago
It grows and replays its tune like a broken record
Beckoning to the listener
Pulling at the fiber of his very being
This man is humanity itself
And faith need only a single note
to become a glorious symphony and lead him to the answers and forgiveness he so seeks.

Mommy please make other kids like me
Mommy please take away the sting of rejection
Mommy please make it easy to be me without constant judgement
Mommy help me to not worry
Mommy please take away my boo boos
Mommy please mend my broken heart
Mommy please show me how to survive in this cruel world
Mommy please keep me safe from harm
Mommy please show me how to follow my dreams
Mommy please tell daddy to stop beating on my self esteem
Mommy please tell him to love me and not always see the wrong in me
Mommy please help me to get his attention
Mommy please make me whole again
Mommy please don't cry when I go to sleep at night
Mommy please keep praying for me
Mommy please keep watching over me as I dream
Mommy please make it easy for me to learn
Mommy please help me to focus and sit still
Mommy please always tell me you love me
Mommy please never leave me

A small wooden cross lingers on the side of this back county road
Tiny compared to the enormous world that it exists in
Weathered, beaten by the wind
Soaked and flooded in the rain
Faded by the blinding sun
But somehow remains standing and sturdy
Teddy bear clings to the cross
His stitching all but come undone
His fur black from the exhaust fumes of passing vehicles
Passed by on a daily bases but never noticed
Ignored by the cruel world that caused its presence
To mark the place a last breath was taken
To mark that a life was torn away from his mother
A life that now is only represented by this roadside grave
Faded decaying flowers
Blown down the road decorating the harsh gravel lining the path
Once beautiful colors not ***** and stained
Sadness washes over me as I pull to the side
To ponder what that life could have been
To imagine how he may look now
How his voice would sound, how his smile would brighten the room
There may be only one visitor to this pitiful sight
But that one visitor would give her own life to change places
Each roadside memorial has a story
Has a heart and soul and energy of those lives taken in that spot
Don't just pass them by
Stop for just a moment and pay respect to the love that still remains
The love that will never die

Never would I seek to cause you pain
Never would I plan your demise
How I ache for just one more look in your eyes
I wish I could bare my heart and soul and mind to you
Let you inside to see all that I hide
So you would truly know how much I love you
Words are hurtful
Silence is death to what we had, I know
I realize I allowed the silence to destroy the good we once had
I would give anything to reverse that choice
I know matter what I say now or do
You will question my intentions
No more nights cuddling
No more laughs together
No more sweet kisses
My clown ninja has gone
My heart breaks over and over
As I remember all the times we had together
All the happiness you brought in my life
All the times you stood strong for me when I was falling apart
Took you for granted
Took your friendship for granted
I abandoned you when you needed me the most
I will forever regret that
So now, I know I can't change the past
Can't take it away
All I can do is ask for your forgiveness
All I can do is promise never to take you for granted again
Hopefully one day you will understand the logic behind my actions
One day we can rekindle that friendship I cherish
If not I understand and you will forever live in my memories
You will be immortal in my life
Because so many of these words I have written speak of you
I will read them and remember you
I will cherish the moments we shared
I will always love you with all my heart, please don't doubt that
Doubt my actions, or lack there of
Never doubt that you hold a piece of my heart and always will.

Emotion has been the huntress of my soul since I can recall
Completely filling every inch of this physical being
Be it an amazing high
or a deathly low
Either way my spirit is ruled by her
I hear whispers in the early morning light
Faint and smooth barley able to determine any form of speech
Speaking to me, slowly recalling every moment of despair
Every moment of pure bliss
My mind will forever be running to decode the meaning of it all
Endlessly gathering and hiding the dark ones
Pushing them so far away from the surface, so that they are never to be seen by the outside world
Groveling at the feet of my fellow man
For one small speck of affection,
for one second to feel whole
Longing for acceptance in a world too shallow for this old soul
A mask of narcissism hides the outcast
Hides the feeling of disgust felt when I look in a mirror
Disguises the hollow center of it all
So well that I  begins to believe the outward appearance
Believe the words of favor and beauty
Even if only for a brief glimpse to see myself as I can only imagine
But these eyes have been darkened by years of apathy from those  I craved acceptance
Never been easy for me to speak the intensity of every emotion I experience
Putting word to paper has been my only saving grace
The only insight to who I truly am
For the outside world to view a small piece of my heart.