If I'm your closest friend
Then you deserve someone else
Someone who won't fall in love
When there's no love to be had
I'm sorry

Written, mostly because
It's all I know
I think about you sometimes
Not as much as I should
If I was really in love
But too much
For me to trick myself into thinking
That I've moved on.

I don't wonder about that night
I know how you feel
But I do wonder what you would think
If I told you that he ***** me
If I told you that my parents
Sent me back to hell
For the things they found under my bed
I feel spacey
Almost as high as Cameron Post
On the night she lost it all
I'm probably just tired
I'm always tired, after all.

I start telling you a story
You break out into song
You say you're not around
Because of that one special person
The one you hate oh so much
Everyone else believes you
Frankly I don't care anymore
You bring me nothing but apathy
I'm tired of getting excited
When you say we should go thrifting
Then we never do
I might care about what you think
If it was more than empty words
Every time you speak it's nothing
Meaningless interrupting
Say whatever you want
I'm not listening anymore

I didn't need to dream about you
Holding your hand out to me
******* on the corner of my ear
And asking "do you want to kiss me?"

I didn't want to raise my hopes up
When we haven't talked in days
When our eye contact is only
Mandatory and
I know you never wanted me anyways

I don't want you
I don't need you
So why do I still crave you
Why do I still dream about you

Not side by side
But I carry your umbrella to our table
It's a promise you make
Something physical to prove that you won't leave
You won't leave
Not just yet
Maybe we'll still be here in spring
To watch the sunflowers grow
Dark faces turned towards the sun
While we turn our backs
Watch our shadows staining the lawn
I wonder
Will I see that house again
Dark paperwork and cursed words
Wonder if I'll touch your skin
Trace the outlines of your muscles
And make you shiver
Wonder where we go from here

I guess things are still going after all
My heart keeps beating
And for now, so does yours
We're not in time but
We're talking again
That's enough for my hopes to climb
And my mouth to smile
Parted lips let the words fall out
We kept it closed until now
Now, you still see your other friends
But we're walking again

We are nothing anymore
Not like we were ever much
I try my best to start a conversation
You brush away my words like flies
I don't know why I try
You stay here out of convenience
And frankly, so do I
I'm bored of you and your fickle moods
Indecisions and second choices
We don't dare to cut it off
Just keep on circling

I hope you enjoy
Life without me
Because I am done writing
All these love notes
I am done with all these ****** poems
I am done with your no answers
And your "misunderstandings"
And your cute quirks
Like never apologizing
And overdramatizing
And victim blaming
Self deprecating
Body shaming
Overt manipulation
I am done with looking at you
Across the room
Hoping you'll look back
I know you won't and
I don't want you to
I hope you like
Your own medicine
Because I've cut you out of my life
Now you don't mean anything

I feel all the ways
You look right through me
Hunting so carefully
For the pieces of me
That you want to tease
Never quite responding
I get it, that you don't want me
So just climb through me
Treat me like your trellis
Grow all your beans
And morning glories
Up through the holes
That you've left in me

I sometimes wish
I had left you with the snow
It's a joyful place
High up in frosted peaks
But strangely silent
Strangely empty
We don't stay long
Play around and stick to
Former's footsteps
Then pack up our car
And drive away
But I can't leave you
You're a timeless spring

This is an ode to us
Our elbows that brush
When we're walking down the hall
Our feet as we kicked each other
At a football game
Arms interlocked
On a walk through the school yard
And fingers reaching, grasping
Sliding over arms and bodies and sides
Finally intertwined
In the street lit night

This is an ode to our memories
Good and bad
The conversations between classes
When I told you I was suicidal
When you told me you were abused
When I realized that I loved you
Making small talk on a swing set
Knelt down in a library
Snapping under electric bonds
Thinking about you all night long

This is an ode to the things
That stay between you and me
I was the first one
To ever use your name
I waited for you at the stoplight
When you refused to jaywalk
Or run around the other way
We looked across the road
Through drifting car fumes
In our small home town
I remembered your arms
Just a few hours ago
They didn't feel like home
But God, were they close

This is an ode to us
To this teenage love
To the rain that fell
And cleansed the downtown buildings
Washed out the streets
Leaving everything out in the open
All our secrets and mistakes
Silly conversations and inside jokes
And hurt, the things I'll never quite get over
The times you didn't look at me
And the times that you
The times when it was just
You
And me
Alone in our feelings
Your blue eyes locked on mine
Free

What does it mean
To still be here, living with trees
Tapping at the windows
It's almost like they're asking
What we think we're doing

Waking up on air mattresses
Drinking instant coffee while
Outside, birds will fall
In this twisted dream
A toxic slew of memories

Remember the back of the class
Listening to seventeen covers
Of "Kissing in Cars" and
Going through every last
Tear stained inch of you

Remember the grass beneath my feet
Before you ever knew about me
The school shootings, the rain
Kids crying in the parking lot
Phoning parents, trying not to be afraid

You're the only person I've ever seen
At midnight in an overcrowded kitchen
Leaned against a counter
Like you know where you belong
That night, I saw stars behind your eyes
I don't want to grow up anymore

Being with you is hard
When I want so much more
And I always go home sad
I wish it wasn't like that