you love him
you love his smooth hands and his rough cheek
you love your hands in his denim shirt
and the cinematography of you together
everything else is an afterthought

the knife in his eyes that is not always pointed at you
but when it is
you kiss the fist that rattles plates
the lips that wrap around clenched teeth
melt him

fail to understand his poison tipped arrows
that are aimed at the mother who threw bottles
if he could only pick one more fight it'd be with his father
you kiss him when he knocks his brother's teeth out

he leaves in the morning for coffee and comes back a day later
welcome him with open arms and abundant questions
he will be a tower of irritation and concrete
he will point fingers that will curl into fists
but they are not fists for you
they are for the devils that dance within him
and behind his wild eyes
and in his childhood home

you will not be fooled
he loves you
you know by every sweetheart and the lips on your forehead and the way he smells in between the sheets each night

he leaves
he comes back
purple flowers that bloom around his eyes are the bouquets he brings home for you
the front porch sags when he puts his hands in his pockets
his face buried in your chest
on nights when the lamp swings a little too low
and his body is wracked with sobbing and shoulders shaking

he mourns the gentle temper he never had
he mourns what he would be like without you
he mourns what you would be like without him
this is how he loves you

your hands in his hair easing soothing shh shh
you are the mother who left
you are better than every last ex-girlfriend
for reasons he will be happy to name
this is how you love him

you came because you are drawn to the shipwrecks
but you stayed in the water for him
ancient child
furious soul
you salt his wounds
and then you clean them
this is how you love him

Ignore me
Ignore me so I know how you really feel
Ignore me
Ignore me so I don't get too attached
Ignore me
Ignore me so it won't hurt as much when I say goodbye
Ignore me

he doesn't like me for me.

he doesn't like me for my poetry.
he doesn't like me for my thoughts.
he doesn't like me for how i look.
he doesn't like me for how i act.
he doesn't like me for how i am.

he looks at me and sees not a person.

he looks at me and sees not a girl.
he looks at me and sees not a poet.
he looks at me and sees not a smart girl.

he sees a wasteland.

he sees a girl without love.
he sees broken skin and flaws.

he loves ruins.
he loves fixing people.

you can't fix everyone.
you can't fix a heart that has so many bandages on it that you can't tell what's latex and what's muscle.
you can't fix me unless i break even more.

do you want me to break more?
you love seeing me break.
that's kind of sad.
pathetic.
you love when i hate myself.
and i hate myself so you won't go away.

It's been a while
Since I last saw you
Where have you been?
What have you seen?

What crawls through your head
That no one can understand
Not even me?

The past three birthdays I had, you celebrated with me. I woke on the day of my new year awaiting the "Happy Birthday" that came from you. And my 18th is rapidly approaching. The one I've been scared of all along. And you're not here to offer me comfort as you used to. And I feel betrayed.. And lost. And I wish you didn't have such a strong hold on my heart strings. Please, let me go.

I love you and i'm sorry i'm always an anxious mess
I know i'm kind of your rock so it must be tough to see me like this and i know you'll be mad at me for saying that
because i told you once that you're only human and you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders but
I want you to know that i'm carrying your world on my shoulders
so I can make sure its perfect and happy for you
so you no longer have to worry about your disgusting step dad
or your not there father
because you don't deserve these things
and it's the only way I know how to make you happy
because being only human is stressful
I only have a limited amount of years to make sure there's as little bad in your life as humanly possible
and I've decided to take that on and since this is the last thing i'm saying to you i'd like to think that even though it might be selfish
that I made your world a little better and even if this is the last thing ill say to you
I want you to know a little piece of your world will be with me always because 5 years of getting to someones heart is hard to forget
and I swear that every time I meet someone new i'll look for a little bit of you in them subconsciously
and my mother will seem more evil since you're not there to talk her down to me
and my life will continue but almost as if someone made the sky dimmer
and lizards will make me sad
without you i'll never watch a 3 hour movie again without crying no matter what it is
i'm sorry for all the sad stuff but I need you to know because it's better to get it out than to leave you wondering
‘what does he think of me?’
because it could never be anything bad and this is the last time that i'm talking to you but maybe you could think back on my advice through our time together and try to get yourself through things
i'm sorry for anything stupid I've ever said or done and
I love you more than you could even imagine