Last year,
if you told us
that we would part
twice in one year,
we'd laugh in complete
disbelief and go on
******* face,
not having one single care
in the whole entire world...

...yet here we are.

More though -

there you are,

and here I am.

Now that you're gone,
the sun is brighter.
Now that you're gone,
my head doesn't hurt.
Now that you're gone,
the world seems sweeter.
Now that you're gone,
I smile so much more.

But --

you're gone.

No more.

I told myself

"You are through"

but --

I can't get you out of my head.

Now that you're gone,
I feel so empty.
Now that you're gone,
my heart aches.
Now that you're gone,
I am so alone.
Now that you're gone...
who will be there?

I know now, that I will be there.
For me.
Me and me only.

I still will love you forever,
but I am stronger than before.

We all have a door.

A door that when people knock, we can let in.

A door that we can push people out as well.

Once you exit the door, it's hard to re-enter.

Especially when the owner of the door made you exit.

So, please.

Keep me in.

For God's sake keep me in.

I can only push and shove against you so long before it gets

tiresome after every attempt to shove me out.

I understand how this is though; this, thing consumes you.

It takes the best part of you and pushes it

not just out the door, but in a black bottomless pit where

all the happiness can never even try to return.

It ***** up everything good you have in this world

and makes it all seem wrong. You keep all the bad

which it morphs itself into words you say to yourself

and the muscles in your body to give you that

ability to push people away.

But please, with all you can,

don't push me out.

If you do, I'll understand. And I'll try to stay

with all the strength I can muster up,

because I did this to you once, and now

I understand how it feels to be this alone.

But please, don't push me out for long,

because I want to stay.

But I'm not that strong to take you on.

The bad things keep getting stronger and

I'm afraid I won't be staying.

But I won't give up without a fight.

I'll fight even when my armor is broken

and my muscles are tired.

I won't give up.

I just won't.

Let us be one again;
to run through the rain
and laugh when we fall,
but knowing we'll pick
the other one up and
brush them off.
I do miss you dearly,
and I know you miss me.
And I know we have to wait
until we get life settled.
But can't we do it together?
Of course I can wait,
but for how long?

Everyone has things they go through.
And your things are the worst I've heard.
Life hasn't handed you an easy card,
and with that card, you've played it well.
Nothing you've done this year or last
has been played incorrectly. I'm proud of you.
You have a strong head on your shoulders,
you're doing well for what's happening.
But please remember these things:
You don't have to have that strong head
all of the time. When you're alone, and the
memories flood all at once, cry. Nobody
will think you're weak at all.
When the memories flood, let them flood,
because pretending nothing ever happened
will only leave you with regrets.
You and your family are the only important
ones in your life. Keep them close to your heart,
especially in the tough times ahead.
Don't be afraid to yell over the mountains
for help, somebody will come to your rescue.
But especially remember, that you are great.
Nothing will be able to get past you.
Feel the sun shine on your face, and know
that you're loved. By everyone.

I lie awake at night
wondering about what
will and could be.
Although I've come
to terms with not being
able to expect anything,
I still can't seem to stop
remembering the
late nights talking.
You were so easy to
open up to when my
days were cloudy.
I abused the power though,
which is why you slipped
from my fingers like
water sliding down skin.
I remember almost
everything, even the things
I don't want to remember
because they bring me
pain to think of...
both good, and bad memories.
I suffer through remembering
bad times, and I recollect
and sadly sigh over the
wonderful memories.
In the past few days,
I've come to terms with the
fact that part of me
cannot and will not
let you go without fighting.
I have time though, lots.
A little less than a months worth.
Then we meet again and
discuss how we want to
go about our lives again.
Like I said, I can't expect
anything, and I won't.
But for some reason I can't
let you go, and that's the
hardest thing about all this.
I read The Notebook and
wonder if we truly had that
Noah and Allie love.
I think we did, and still do.
But only time can tell if
that's true or not.

Uffda, is a word
that us Minnesotans
use quite a lot
to express a lot of things.
Explained on Wikipedia
on how it can be used --
"It can be used as an expression of
surprise, astonishment, exhaustion,
relief and sometimes dismay."
Which explains what we had.

I was surprised when you told me
in your car that summers evening
that you had strong feelings for me.
It made me feel excited and happy
that someone who had their head
on straight had strong feelings
for a girl who had countless
issues she was dealing with.
UFFDA!!!!

I was astonished when we first
exchanged "I love you's" with
each other. It felt real, and strong,
and for the first time, I actually
felt it back for someone. It
lasted for almost ever, as we
explored the world with
each other. It was real, and
it was so beautiful.
Uffda!

I was dismayed when what we had
started to fray and break apart.
Nothing we did was good enough
for the other. All we did to help
ourselves and each other just
ended in failure.
Uffda...
Then, when we got back together,
I went back to astonishment. Through all
we went through, I was happy
enough that you were still in my
life in the way we both wanted.
Uffda, right?

And then, I was exhausted.
I couldn't keep up with the
sadness. I couldn't keep up the
affection when nothing was
brought back to me. That's when
you told me that you lost the
feelings. Which is when I started
to comfort you. It sounds crazy, but
just because I sat in your car
and comforted you as you told me
how you wanted to love me again
but just couldn't, doesn't mean that
I didn't watch you drive farther
and farther from my house
with tears in my eyes and a very
heavy heart. I wiped my tears away
and swiftly walked upstairs so nobody
asked me why I was crying so hard.
uffda... [insert tears]

Now, I'm dismayed again.
On my way to relief.
It will be a long road,
but someday I will say
Uffda. to all that happened
in a tone of relief.

How far away can you drift
to realize you've gone too far?
Is it at the point where you find
you've completely lost your way?
When you try and reach someone
but there's no signal to be found?
Or is it when you start to notice the
flaws in the structure and you sink?
I'm lost, my dear.
Please help me
find the way back
to your heart
before we start
to sink.