Is thought tangible?
Can I pass mine on without committing to paper?
Can I have yours?
Can you see in my eyes I’m broken?
Do you accept I can be fixed?
Will you discard me like a difficult crossword?
Will you complete me?
Will you still love me when this all comes to light?
Will you still love me if I stay in the dark?
Am I beyond repair?
Do I need repair?
Will you fix me?
Can I go on like this?
Will you accept it all?
Or will you pick the things you like & discard the rest?
I’m not lost, I just don’t know where I am.
;

Storms are raging, lightning striking all around.
Ugly faceless beasts, rising up out of nowhere.
All want a piece of me.
I fight alone, I cannot fail, I cannot concede.
I have to fight, the alternative is too… everything.

These are no beasts from a work of fiction.
They’re incorporeal but they are very much alive.
Only I can see them, but I can’t.
I know they’re there.

Anxiety, the first, scratching away at the nape of my neck,
Almost like some taloned spectre,
Cold and slick.
Wants me to scratch,
Wants me to give in.

The Low, the negative, the constant.
Not sadness but the absence of joy,
Nothing has relevance.
Devoid of rational thought,
The Low has won today.

Hopelessness, the last, like a warm duvet on a cold day,
Inviting me to lay down under it,
Inviting me hide my head under the cover and forget all else,
Too easy, there is still life outside the head.

Embrace the chaos,
Storm straight into the fire again,
I refuse to burn; I refuse to lie down,
I refuse to let it win.

This is a good fight and it’s worth fighting.
Too many have lost the fight,
Gave into the pill or the water,
My anchors are in the hearts of my loved ones.

I will survive to fight again tomorrow.
;

Blistering white light stabs my eyes,
Ripping me from the velvety blackness of dreamless sleep.
The call of the day beckoning me to rise,
But it’s warm in here,
It’s cosy in here,
Safe in here.

Demons of consciousness waylaid,
Fighting their own private battles.
Their fight is none of my business,
But they make it mine anyway.
Coffee, toilet, shower, teeth and
Now I’m as unready for the day as I’ve ever been.
;

Yesterday’s thoughts like white-water crashing
These are fainter today, like a babbling brook
Not quite abated but more still.
Allowing thought and deed to harmonise,
Even for an hour, I’ll take it.

The image of my loved ones etched,
My child, now a woman, forefront always
The absolute best of us personified
Love is the unbreakable bond between us
Come feel, hear the quiet and smile with me.

I’m not winning, I’m punch drunk.
I’m just waiting for the next disappointment
I keep getting battered, my best defences are weakening,
It’s draining me of all rationale,
The writing is on the wall, I’m going to end it.

I process these thoughts which lead to the bridge for some,
The blade or the pill or the clifftop for others.
But I’m aware, I know my enemy.
It will not defeat me, this most horrible of foes.
I see him in the mirror each day

This charming face belies the monster within,
This self-loathing, destructive ugly thing.
But it only hurts itself, only directs the worst venom inward.
You think what I shouted at you was the worst of it?
You’re crying! You should feel this in here with me.

This cancerous lump of emotion belongs nowhere,
It’s in my head, but not my heart.
Whenever the lights come on I still have that.
I cling to it like a life raft in the storm.
Then the clouds break and I’m free!

I fly so high it’s dizzying, exhilarating, fulfilling!
Until the fall, not like a dream fall,
Slow, almost inch by inch from a great height.
There is no soft landing, just a thud and the darkness
Then it’s Tuesday.
;

Cheer up, he said.
Give yourself a shake, she said.

Take the pills, he said.
Talk to someone, she said.

Stop asking for attention, they said.
Stop putting your drama on Social media, they said.

Stop trying to tell people, they said.
Nobody cares, they said.

Everyone’s depressed, they said.
Everyone’s suffering, they said.

Hide your illness, I heard.
Hide your shame, I heard.
;

There’s an ugly little pinch at the back of my ear,
What did I say exactly, she’s gone for good, I fear.
After the *****, the stagger, the cab,
I found myself on the couch, adding up the tab.

Flashbacks with nightmares of nasty words,
How could I say that to her! I’m no expert with girls.
The beer and the spirits owe me no favours
And when all’s said, they’re all the same flavour.

The flavour is bitterness, regret and despair,
Fuel for the morning after and pulling out hair,
Out of one’s own head for being so thoughtless
Am I pushing myself to a life that’s loveless?

So I’ll say “Never again” and push for the weekend.
But throughout the week, my resolve becomes weakened.
Until Thursday, I’ll give in and go for “a couple”.
Sick of pints by Friday, I’ll go on the doubles.

So again comes Sunday, she’s still with me.
Her pillow is wet and smudged, my throat is dry.
I can’t lose the memory of that pathetic cry.
I did it again, I let the drink win.

But it’s Sunday so I’ll say “Never Again”

All I know, unknown
All I learned, unlearned
All I believed in, doubted

Fairness is just an empty word
Karma is just a notion
Consequences are relative

Life is life
Make of it or don’t.
Lay your own path

Just don’t ask the poets
They know as much
The Mystery is the reward

Light breaks through the dim day,
Raindrops sound like piano on the skylight window, today.
Lifting me, allowing possibility,
Suffering isn’t all there is. Today.

Piano yesterday was smashing, grinding,
Overbearing, oppressive & weighty.
It was a dry day within and without,
No rain to blame for the blackness.

Storm clouds gather and disperse only in my knowledge,
They’re unseen by many, understood by few,
Almost like a reminder that I’m not free.
Yesterday’s clouds were for me alone.

But today is a good day,
Weather without is bad but more bearable within.
This will pass, it has to.
Enlightenment is not only for the devout.
;