I'd missed you, I knew,
But my eyes wasted no time,
In reminding themselves how to
Marvel at you,
And my hands,
Remembered how to long for you,
And the warmth in your palms.

In front of me, again, the beauty who never saw,
Her own precious nature,
Whose laugh blocked out all thoughts,
Of panic, or sense of
time and deadlines,
Instead wishing only to hear her voice,
And her joy between her tears.

There you were,
Unreachable,
Yet held tight,
An angel of the night,
Who never wanted the light,
But I just couldn't let you go.

I need to stop listening to the
music that makes me say these things
that really should remain unspoken
or at least no more than implied.
I held myself back for so long
but nothing seems to keep me
from wanting you to join me
and hear these songs by my side.
I wish I could tell you in words
why I'm so afraid to say all these
things which mean so much to me
and to you perhaps in time.
But instead I mess up and use far
too many ellipses to show you how
nervous I am but all they do
is confuse and remove all rhyme

So the new year begins,
Why should it be any different?
Nothing really changed beyond the smoke in the air
from all the fireworks just like every year,
and that will soon drift away.
Does it really mean all that much?
The broken resolutions simply remind
us of our temptations.
But maybe it could be better, I think to myself.
Optimism seems useless but in the end
it is better than giving up hope,
and better is what I want to be.

Here we are, all drowned in the unimportant things,
Sat around, lazy, sipping on drinks and waiting.
Laughter and smiles around, though there's no point to it,
Or because there's no point to it,
And not one wants it to end.

As I tap out the rhythm of another song I've never heard,
My gaze drifts from face to face,
All bright (though one is sleeping) and no worries taking over.
Tonight is not about me nor any one of us,
So we all share a while, a meal and a game.

We made it through again,
It was tough this time around,
Trials, barriers, disappointments,
Sadness, loss and doubts,
But we mark this day - an arbitrary date -
To remind ourselves, that the past,
Can go to bed,
And the future charges faster,
And fills our hearts instead.

To the semi-conscious mind of a child barely starting school,
The mind makes demons of the unknown,
Self-formed beasts,
Ready to feast,
To chase you to bed in the night.

And as the child grows and learns of real monsters,
Of fire and sharks and running out of air,
Chained back, shapes grow,
Shadows rose,
The mind's self-torture closes in on truth.

But as child becomes student, bigger concerns
than death or danger plague the mind
The nightmares of sharks replaced with
Nightmarish marks,
Anticipated failure paints the dark.

I want to be the voice I've never heard before,
I want to hear the sailing notes that I've been striving for,
If I can't find the light to lead me - I'll carve the path alone,
If no other song is sounding, mine will be the leading tone.

Have I fallen again from deeper to deepest?
That moment reshaping my awoken heart,
Cannot stop searching, and found to be found
Confusing, unsettling, and pulling apart
in self-inflicted scraps that never solved
Anything.

The fire is growing, there's smoke in the air,
The blood is flowing, filling your stare,
Come on, let's go, before it's too late,
Don't leave me here, we both can escape,
That look, I see, your foolish demise,
You'd burn to the ground, the ultimate prize?
You've waited too long! This will not end well!
Come on then, Dorian! I'll meet you in hell!

Perhaps what I never knew,
I never needed to know,
For otherwise what would be the point
in revelations or epiphanies?
Or those floods of emotion that drown you
in immeasurable feelings reaching dimensions
you never knew your soul had?
Some truths are kept hidden by
coincidence, circumstance, caution,
fear.
But truth must come in time,
And all at once in unfathomable blessings
from the heavens and sorrow of the Earth.
Honesty waits, patient as love,
Or love itself, perhaps,
Until our lives intersect,
And all at once, reality is shown.

Unwrapping gifts
Is not all it's about
But this year I know they mean
A little bit more,
This year I open up promises,
Of continued love and honest support,
And in a box of eyeshadow,
I find 12 shades of "Yes, this is okay"
And "You can be pretty"
And around my neck, a brand new scarf,
That goes so well with my favourite coat,
That says "Go on, be our beautiful girl"
"We will keep you warm and safe"
So yes, the family and love are more important,
But those gifts are reminders,
Hope in the dark times,
That I will always have a home,
And parents who love me.

Staring at the ceiling
As I always did,
My sleep disturbed by childish excitement
And anticipation
Curiosity blurring all other thoughts,
I won't sleep yet, I know,
But I must
So that my eyes open
To the brightest day of winter.

No formula but instinct,
No instinct 'till inspired
The words which were a waste
I'd dedicate them to the fire
I asked for no commission,
My mission self-acquired,
To document my ambling,
Through this life 'till I retire,
And in typing up my days,
I found new ways were required,
To describe the very details,
Of the details I desired,
To paint a perfect picture,
Needs time to restyle,
But my words are rough,
And that's enough to sketch a meaning higher,
Than any pure or filtered words,
I leave them unrefined,
Waste is left behind, indeed,
But the product's graced with spines,
I question all, leave none untouched,
When I dive into your minds,
I see past the deception,
I speak out and shout your lies,
Sure, I write of all things beautiful,
Of love, of all things nice,
But make no mistake, this girl will make,
Her words stand for light.

So I am saved,
By just a tune in my head,
Surpassing all fear.