Sometimes I pity myself,
Just take my esteem and pride and throw it on a shelf
let it sit and collect more dust
cover it up in a coat of rust
But there are these people in my life who bring a rag and some polish
Keep me on path and bring me knowledge
Because without them my trophies are dull
When I'm alone I'm just a boring hull
So as I look back through my span of time
I know its you, who makes me shine.

8 years ago my dad died
And today I still sit here and ask myself why
What did I do to deserve this punishment
Who took hold of my life, and filled it with excrement?
6 months later almost passed away
Diagnosed with diabetes, learned how to deal with it each day
Now its pushing me down, leaving me feeling gray
And I'm hurting inside, but I'll just hide it anyways
Yeah I never learned the way others really did
Guess growing up without a father ain't no way for a kid
Now I'm stuck inside a hole feeling like I've done wrong
And my only simple solace is the words in this song
Because the sweat on my back doesn't mean that its over
And this pain that I carry is the burden on my shoulders
I ain't talking about quitting or just keeling over
Because I'm fighting with my all, I'm an emotional soldier.
8 years later and not much has changed
11 visits to the hospital and I'm the one to blame
Blood draws every other hour, and an insulin drip
thinking to myself, why am I still in this ****?
3 years in and my depression is crippling
Hours spent self loathing, when I should have been healing
Now I'm sitting in bed, listenin' to myself talk
And my head is hung low, buried inside my thoughts
Because the sweat on my back doesn't mean that its over
And this pain that I carry is the burden on my shoulders
I ain't talking about quitting or just keeling over
Because I'm fighting with my all, I'm an emotional soldier
Almost 20 years old, still naïve in my youth,
Can't deal with my pain, refuse to swallow the truth
Yeah I'm pushing and fighting with all of my might
But its hard to deal with dark, when you're searchin' for the light.

They tell me I have a right to be angry and I deserve to be mad, that I should have spite for having things taken from me, what I once happily had
But I don't know what I should have hate for, what's justified in my wrath, should I have direction-less disdain? Or just destroy everything in my path?
I think its a bit sad that I think I have no true place in this life. to be filled with virtue and talent, yet I choose to cut myself down with a knife. Say I don't care, or I'm OK with not having joy, for crushing my hopes and dreams when I was still just a boy
Maybe tomorrow will be different. maybe tomorrow I'll change. But who's to say I won't wallow in my own self pity and continue to choose to stay the same?
They say that god allows us to go through these trials because he knows we can get through them, and stay on our course. I hate to break it to you, all mighty lord, but you may have bet on the wrong color, on the wrong horse.

I went out for breakfast alone, thinking of you.
Reminded of when we would rush to the diner
Not far from our home, a few hours before noon.
I remember the wood booths, because we wouldn't take tables,
And the French toast and the syrup, eating as many as I was able.
When we would blow bubbles in our milk, mom would ask us to not
But you would join in, and she'd her roll her eyes, and laugh with us lot.
The big family gatherings were always my favorite. 20 plus people all crammed in the corner of Brooks, I can still taste it.
A hint of laughter, a dash of bad jokes, a lot of pancakes,
And a tad of cigarette smoke. But those were the days I felt best, when I look back to them, there's a smaller hole in my chest.
I miss that old diner, where I heard your bad puns
Where we sat down and ate, not just because they served buns.
I miss the feeling that I had when you took me out for pie. But who was I to know that one day you'd die.
I love you. More than anything. And I know you can't come back. But all the same, I'll still cherish those moments, when I remember your name.

What a coincidence
That I’d see you there
When I’d all but forgotten about you.

That chapter with yellowed pages I read over and over
Indulging in my fantasies one last time before I use its parchments to stoke the fire

But it had to be today, didn’t it.
A day I decided to turn my life around.
A day I made myself successful.
A day that I am doing better.

I wonder how she feels.
Were those daggers in her eyes real, or just my delusions of repressed guilt?
Was it awkward?
Having the times we were once miserable together come up again, bubbling to the surface like a bitter tea, filled with the much needed medicine for my copacetic mind?

I wonder if she knows how broken I was. <
How crazy it was for me to have left her in the first place.
How fast I regretted my decision.
But that chapter is closed. The bookmark is long forgotten.

I hope she knows how much I care.
How much I value her happiness.
Even if it doesn’t include me.

I think this must be fate.
To meet on a cold day like this,
And face my own truths I’ve been staring at for months.
I guess I really am the bad guy.

"Late Last Night."

Give me your honest answer
Because I'm sick and tired
Of all this useless banter

You lied to me for the last time,
And now I'm investigating
Your shameful war crime.  

Worked late last night,
The same old routine
I remember when you skipped your job
For just you and me.

Now I'm backed against the wall
And your shouting out your contradictions
Spinning all your lies
Like a web of back handed predilections

So I'm shutting the door when I leave,
Because you never loved me.

When You are near me it's like
Magnets
The undeniable attraction
Sends us reeling toward each other
In a head on
Collision

When we touch it's as if
We could create citywide blackouts
Because the sparks we generate
Could run a country for months

When you kiss me
I feel alive
As if I'm discovering life for the first time
Like I'm opening my eyes and finally being able to see

When you snore
Chainsaws cutting down forest get jealous
And I couldn't sleep better knowing that

When you are gone
I am a rain starved crop and you are my cloud
How I long for your presence and feel your touch

When you laugh
It's like a magnificent choir of angels,
Or you are a symphony
Filled with crescendos and staccato

I am so lucky
To even be around you
I could die
With a smile on my face
Simply knowing
You were mine