the birds will eat
have a place to sleep
water to wash
their feet
yet, i've stood up
one too many nights
contemplating what makes them
any better than
me
i've flown to the highest branch
over every green pasture
counting every flower
that i keep

the grass is withering
and so am i

nights rang with slamming doors
days half empty
like her creaking king sized bed
mirror reflected regret
poured down the sink
along with her budded cigarettes
the memories
she tried to forget
building bridges
that were burned for twenty years
with her matches
that he gave her
slept-in cars
driven over
the crossing line
of arguments that reoccurred

mornings rang with silence
air filled with tension
thick enough to start a forest fire
if the lighter fluid's out
put the cigarette to your mouth
it'll burn more than
your love ever did

i wore black today
not because i was in the mood
or because it was laundry day
but because
it was the day that i lost you
and somehow that comforts me
that when you blink
for the last time
i'd already know
what loss feels like
so maybe it won't
hurt as much
because distance is an excuse
but grief is all the same

as i scroll through sentimental facebook posts, i couldn't help but write this note. for the father days i didn't call, to your birthday's sung without me. you might've not shown me how to change a tire, but you taught me how to ride a bicycle. i wish you could've been there when i got into my first car accident; the brakes didn't really work the same way as that pink bike. milestones missed by 1,000 miles but each one had you in mind. i waited every time knowing nothing had changed. my 7 year old self is tired of leaving you to blame. thank you for helping me find the love of my Heavenly Father; in him i know i am a beloved daughter.

happy father's day,
i forgive you.