Sometimes right before my head hits the pillow
my teeth start to ache
my eyes dry up
and my hands start to shake.

I never remember why I can't sleep
until those shattering thoughts remind me of the
chatter I made to keep you awake
the signs I'd seek and hoped to make you stay
the thighs I'd grab to tell you it's okay
to be broken.
To think that the world is unholy.
To think the rain only comes when your shining smile starts showing.

Just don't forget that you can't control the weather
and maybe your smile needs to sleep for a while.
Come out when the storm resides to a spot in your heart.
Maybe one day you'll remember the rain is not only a time that
tore you apart,

but a horrible storm that gave you enough water to grow flowers.

I sleep soundly now
my teeth don't ache
my eyes aren't dry
and my hands don't shake

I sleep because I know this small body can't control the weather.
I simply stopped trying because I don't have the power to grow flowers.

My love for you is like the first slice of chocolate cake.

I keep eating more thinking it will feel as good as the first.

But I'm down to the last and I feel nothing but sick.

I want to eat when I’m not hungry.
There’s something to feed and I know
that there is nothing I can feast off of to satisfy the
empty heart that heavily hangs in my chest.

Sometimes food helps me forget
that I’m not hollow,
it helps me remember
that something can fill me up

As I walk to the kitchen and look
in a fridge that has nothing to offer
I grab another coconut icicle pop

It’s sweeter than my father was growing up
I eat it even though I’m feeling cold
I eat it even when I’m not hungry at all

I saved a spot in my gut
for another huff
another snort
another sip
as they whisper sweet nothings in my ears,
it sometimes tickles.
the way my lover makes me feel
when he breathes down my neck
and there are days I forget
that he crushed my heart
i never remember those days
i fell apart
because those whispers are so enticing
so inviting.

There are some days where I think I've had enough.
I looking for my out because I fear the loss of lust

I'm still afraid of letting go.
Letting go of the bed
I only know how to sleep in
with the AC roaring.

Afraid of what my life will look like
without the seductive smoke
and twist off bottle caps.

I'm just as afraid of walking out the back door,
keeping me inside,
holding me together.
Afraid of the weather
my body has not yet adjusted to.

There's no harmony in heat and some days I think I'll never stop sweating.