Dad,

       I told you about my friend who was *****
       I said she was only eighteen
       I said she was scared and didn't know who to talk to
       I told you she felt sad and unsafe
       "She was ***** by her manager"
       "He gave her an STD and doesn't know what to do"

       You told me she had it coming
       You told me she deserved it
       You called her a **** and a ******
       You said she was immature and naive
       You said her parents must not be there for her

But dad, that friend was me

       I was ***** at eighteen
       I am scared and have no one to talk to
       I am sad and feel unsafe
       It was my manager
       He gave me chlamydia and I don't know what to do

And dad, you're wrong

       I didn't have it coming
       I didn't deserve this
       I'm not a **** or a ******
       I'm not immature or naive

Except, dad, you're right about one thing

       My parents aren't there for me

To my future daughter,


       I'll be there when you learn how to crawl, stand and eventually walk.

       I'll be there when you start preschool, kindergarten, high school and university.

       I'll be there when you lose your first tooth and when you lose your last.

       I'll be there when you need help with your homework and choosing a career path.

       I'll be there when you have your first crush, first kiss, and first love.

       I'll be there when you have your first heartbreak and your last.

       I'll be there when you just need to cry, talk, or even just hug.

       I'll be there when you graduate high school and when you graduate university.

       I'll be there when you're moving boxes and furniture into your own place.

       I'll be there when you get engaged and I'll be there in the pew looking at my beautiful daughter get married.

       I'll be there when you move into your own house and when you can't carry all the boxes.

       I'll be there when  you have your first child and your last.

       I'll be there when you just want to go out for some breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

       I'll be there whenever you want, wherever you want, and however you want.



       To my beautiful daughter,

       I'll be there.

i don’t know what to do
soon this will all be gone
it will just be me
and all of my thoughts

i won’t be able to hear my sisters
talking in the next room over
or hear my dad swearing
in my ear

i will miss waking up to the sun stretching out
over the field
and i won’t  hear the birds singing
on my window sill

my mornings will be just me
no sister
no father
and no boyfriend

no more loud music
or sister dates
no more morning tv
and no more driving around town

i can no longer cry myself to sleep
or keep my journal by my bed
i can’t pretend to sing
or write any more of my songs

i can’t go to my sisters house
in just 20 minutes
or see my brother
in just 30

i am going from a house
filled with family
to a room
of just me

i won’t hear my sisters laughing
or making stupid jokes
i won’t hear my sisters invite me
to hang out with them

i won’t be able to call my boyfriend
and make plans for that day
because while he is staying
i am moving

it will be a change
a change that I’m not yet ready for
but things could be worse
i just need to keep my head up high

and remember
four years isn’t that long
because four years from now
i will already be back home

i'm a **** up
i guess we'll just start there
i pushed all my friends away
and now i have no one

i spend my days off sitting on my bed alone wondering where the **** i went wrong
how did i stray so far from the path
and how the **** do i get back?

i let everyone down
without even meaning too
but more importantly,
i let myself down the most

i didn't think any of this would happen
but i guess thats where the main problem lies
i didn't think

i wasn't prepared
and i wasn't myself
i did what i thought i wanted
and neglected my friends and my priorities in the process

I'm always trying to live up to the standards
that are my sisters
but **** do i ever feel lost

for once i wanted to be known and appreciated
but wow be careful for what you wish for
because i was definitely known
but for all the wrong reasons

I've learned my lesson
but theres still many more to come
i just wish i didn't lose everyone so fast

yes, i still make really stupid decisions
and i really wish i didn't
but thats why I'm a **** up
because i do the same thing over and over even after knowing how it will end

im going into overdraft
i dont care anymore
i hate being safe
i just want to get **** done
and over with
im so sick of following the rules
and listening to your lectures
i know
i know
i know
i just dont care
dont you get it
im losing myself
a lecture wont save me
but listening might
but you never listen
which is why i lost all faith
im going to do what i want now
because im so sick of trying to please you
you can never be pleased
i can never make you proud
you never wanted me anyways
im just gum on your shoe
and youre just everything to me
so im going into overdraft
because im sick of trying
nothing ever works out anyways
and i know i wont be here for much longer anyways
so **** it
im done
im doing what i want
and thats final

something was taken from me recently
and i cant ever get it back

i feel like i have no purpose anymore
because i thought i could always protect myself
but that changed

im out in the open with nothing more to lose
i lost everything

i dont know how to go on anymore
i feel empty now

i cry myself to sleep when no one is around
yet i still feel nothing

i wish i wasnt here
i wish this didnt happen

i have no motivation anymore
i was excused from classes
and i was excused from exams
but that doesnt fix my struggle

no one i know understands what im going through
they try to help
but it doesnt

i feel so alone
theres no one i can talk to

no one i know has gone through this
no one i know has been *****
and so i just have myself
but i no longer have the will power that i did before

so what do i do now?

I don't respect myself because of you
I have trust issues because of you
I can't love because of you
I'm not happy because of you
I cried myself to sleep because of you
I catch on quicker now because of you
I warn other girls because of you
I learned a lot of lessons because of you
I learned a lot about myself because of you
I don't open up anymore because of you
I'm extra cautious because of you
I have a crazier past because of you
I have more stories to tell my daughter because of you

My kids will know about consequences because of you
My kids will know their mom is stronger because of you
My husband will be respectful because of you
My family will be closer to me because of you

Because of you, I know myself better
Because of you, my guard is up
Because of you, I know that family should come first
Because of you, I am a different person

i dont regret you
but you certainly make me feel those feelings
as if i did regret you
but you taught me a lesson
that i will teach my future daughter
and hopefully she will tell hers too
because you changed how i trust
you changed how i respect myself
you changed how i meet new people
you changed me for the worse
and now i just feel lost
and extremely confused
i wish someone could tell me how to feel
who to love
and what to do
because i dont know what to do anymore
you broke me
you made me fill with rage so quickly
like a match
but i dont regret you
you taught me a lesson
to not let anyone in

i thought about texting you
but then i came to my senses
because it wouldnt have changed anything.
we are both with other people
i love being with my boyfriend
and im sure you love being with your girlfriend.
but im still so sick of us not talking.
i thought i would be better without you
but it has only made me more and more broken
i miss you
i really do
but if i were to text you,
i wouldnt know how you would take it
or if you would tell anyone.
i miss you
and i just really want to catch up
thats all

i dont want to see you
i cant
i know it will break my heart
even more
when i see you two show up
together
and when i see your arms wrapped around her waist
i dont want to see you
i cant
when your lips brush against hers
because i know shes your first kiss
and i know shes better for you
because i broke your heart
and she didnt
but i cant see you
because ill be with my boyfriend
and i know he will start a conversation with you
because he doesnt know
he doesnt know about us
he doesnt know that i have loved before
and that i still do
he wont understand when he sees me weep on friday
its supposed to be a happy time
at my bestfriends house
but i know that my second home
will turn into my hell
because i dont want to see you
i cant
i know it will break my heart
because he loves me
but i love you
and you love her
theres this messed up situation that i cant control
but i can only hope that my heart will come back together eventually
after friday

you make me really happy
but i dont know why
actually maybe i do know
maybe its because you make me feel content
in a world of craziness
you make me feel safe
like this is supposed to happen
and this is where im supposed to be
you make me feel warm
and comfortable
and you make me feel like i cant go wrong
i cant make a mistake
or maybe i can
but it wouldnt matter
because we would find a way
any way
to come back to each other
you make me feel
feel
you make me feel like i have a purpose
i can do anything if i set my mind to it
you inspire me to be happy
and to make the most out of everything
make the most out of us
us
this is where im supposed to be
but theres just one problem
theres a secret ive been keeping from you
since the summer
i have never told you it
but you have told me
and i dont think thats fair
so here goes nothing
or everything
since thats what you are

i love you
everything happens for a reason

i miss you
like you wouldnt believe
i could never talk to you again
because i know
you would talk to your boys about it this time
this time
this time, its me thats the joke
because youre different now
you told me you only care about one thing
and it *****
because you really are someone i love
and i want to tell you.
i want to tell you in person that im dying.
but im scared
im scared youll never want to talk to me
but ill see you on friday
at what we call prom
and i hope we can share a smile
but then again, you care about what they think now.
i want to tell you in person
that im dying.
but i cant
so im writing this poem
in hopes that youll see it.
so thats it.
im dying.
and i love you.
until we meet again.

I have a secret
That I want to share.
I want to tell you but we no longer speak.
My health got worse
And now I'm dying.
I'm going to leave this earth in six months
But I hope you'll remember me.
I know you have all the reason to hate me
But just know,
for the final time,
I love you.
And I'm sorry.
- C

My name is Christine Mary D'Agostino and I'm eighteen years old.
I'm young, yes, but I've been through a lot.

I've overcome depression and anorexia.
I've gained a deeper understanding of life and found meaning in it.
I found the love of my life even though we don't talk anymore.

My spirituality was gained and my fears lost.
I'm finally happy.
I got to meet my two nieces and the chances to appreciate them.

I get good grades and I'm passionate for dance.

I've lost friends but I've gained many.

I'm only eighteen but I've come a long way.
I'm only eighteen but my doctor said I'll be dead in six months.
I'm only eighteen but I hope you'll remember me.
My name is Christine Mary D'Agostino and I'm eighteen years old.

But it's also amazing.
Because I met him.
The first guy to ever meet my family.
The first guy to ever see me dance
for the final time.
It's surreal in a way,
but I don't want this feeling to ever leave my soul.
I'm happy,
and he makes me happier.
I admit,
he doesn't know a lot about me,
but that day will come.
And when it does,
I'll know if he's the one.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ruined everything.
I usually never wish to change my past
because I am a strong believer
that absolutely everything happens for a reason
and that everything is a lesson,
bad or good,
but,
this time,
part of me wishes that I could turn back time
and tell you how I feel.
How I truly feel.
Because I think I loved you this whole time.
And I don't know why I thought it would be fine to keep it all in.
O and C in my heart for as long as I live.
I'm sorry I love you.
<3

i deleted all of my poems.
they are all gone from here,
but saved on my computer.
because i know you read them
and that scares me
it scares me to know that you know everything about me.
i cant hide anything from you.
you know when im lying
you know when im sad
you know when im happy
because you read my poems
because you know my life
so now my outlet is gone
and my poems are deleted
from this website that let me once breathe.
but thats gone
because you read my poems
i know you do
did.
i know everything you say about me
and now, you know everything i think
thought.
because you read my poems

you know who you are
and you certainly know me