how long did it take you to realize you weren't in love with me at all?
did it take you a few days?

or maybe you realized it when you got in her bed
and did whatever the hell you wanted with her body, the way i never let you.

or, or was it when you realized that the space between my thighs was no landing pad for temporary guests.

maybe it was when i let you know that my *** belonged to me far before it ever "belonged" to you.

i think the moment you realized you never loved me was when i finally looked you in the eyes and instead of seeing an opportunity you saw fire instead.

i asked at the beginning, "are you good at taking hints?" they all said yes with eager smiles and starving eyes.
so tell me why i tell you in every way i know how, that i do not want to belong to anyone anymore.
and you still think you have a chance to make me yours.
you said you were good at taking hints so why do you not understand me when i tell you that i do not want to be with you.
why does yes seem to make more sense to you than no ever did?
is it because you were to hungry for a piece of me or because you felt bad that you already stole something from me.

google search:
moon landing can't compare to when he looks at me

google search:
how to appear normal when there's a band
of monarch butterflies in your stomach

google search:
is Heaven a place or a person?

google search:
he tastes like honey and sweetness
is it possible to taste like that as well?

google search:
power outages when holding his hand

google search:
how to show him how much I adore him

google search:
universe collapsing in chest
when he says "i love you"

google search:
how to properly give my boy the world

google search:
how to be so lovely he notices me

google search:
how to be softer than silk

google search:
how to make the boy i love realize
the world was created for him

google search:
how to hold hands with an angel

google search:
how to talk properly after kissing the sun

google search:
how to love him like he loves me

i looked through old pictures yesterday, desperately trying to find the point at which my father stopped showing up in them.
i looked at years of memories printed out and realized that the biggest part of me was missing. so instead of searching for my father in pictures, or rather the lack thereof, i went looking for the year my smile disappeared instead.
i flipped through hundreds of pictures, only to realize that the older i get the less i feel like forcing a smile on my face, when the only things that brought me happiness in my life have been stripped from me.
an unbroken home.
the boy i love so much i cannot seem to breathe sometimes.
a relationship with my mother.
a father who doesn't believe that he was making the right decision when he decided to move thousands of miles away from me.
you see, i spent hours sitting there, flipping through old memories hoping that i would find my father and a smile, or maybe the absence of both, but what i found instead is the realization that the only person that had the power to take my smile was me. i took my smile and buried it deep in those photos because those moments are the moments that i was happy. and why the hell would i want anyone to see me like that now if it wasn't real?