I tried to write a poem today
but then I realized
I don’t feel anything.

I am numb.

A scared, sad little girl arose from her seat
At the dinner table, where thoughts went off beat.
Her plate empty, her stomach full,
And a brain filled with plans
To become a perfect little girl.

So she slowly sunk back to her room
Laid down on her bed, dark thoughts abloom.
Surrounded by the evil voices in her head,
And despite the howls and the screeching sounds,
Those terrible thoughts, she could not shred.

When she later arose with a tear-stained face,
She stalked to the sink, and gripped onto its base.
A glance in the mirror, a monster she saw,
With tiny seeds of self-love and self-hate
And out came that dinner, once and for all.

Eventually invisibility was all anyone could see
As she withered away, she was happy as could be.
Our beauty now lives with a broken mind, body, and soul,
But because of her secret no one shall know,
She forever has a heart full of sadness and holes.

My fingernails, long and sharp
Hover over my skin, gliding over
The nooks and crannies hidden within.


I press down, hot water burning me
As I scratch and scratch the dirt
And the residue that you left.

The ashes on my skin are permanent,
Fixated forever by your touch,
Glued unto me by the adhesive of your name.

No matter the amount of water poured over,
Or the roughness of the washcloth against my body,
I cannot scrub your name off of my heart.

I never thought I would be that girl,
That girl who hikes so high up a mountain
And forgets to bring water, or any vitality,
That gets so lost among the trees,
Loses footing on the off-beaten path that
She attempts to break forewarnings to travel.

That never thought she would go this crazy,
Insane enough to pick all the petals
Off every flower in the field lining the street,
Knowing in her heart and in her logical mind,
That she was just killing flowers
Because she knew he loved her

Not.

I am a white, Jewish girl from Florida.
Hit me.
Hit me with your white girl jokes,
Your Jewish American Princess stereotypes.
I will giggle and squeal right along with you.
Because yeah,
I do order white chocolate mocha frappuchinos from Starbucks,
I Instagram pictures of my nails,
I take selfies, whiten my teeth, straighten my hair,
Shop at Forever21 and drink Naked Juice like it is my job.
Yeah, my daddy buys me things,
I don’t pay for my data plan,
There’s no way in hell I would drive a sedan,
I wear Nike shorts and avoid any nearby cameraman,
And let me tell you, I love jamming out to old school Britney Spears.
Hit me one more time, because none of that means I am any less intelligent,
Any less diligent,
Any less likely to face judgment
Than any other slice of diversity around me –
I am a white, Jewish girl
My nose is not its own cartoon,
I eat bagels (but I absolutely hate lox),
I’m not tan or even the least bit tinted,
And god knows I don’t wear Uggs.
Tell me I need to get married young,
Major in business,
Wear clothes that leave me airless,
Get some of that European gracefulness,
But don’t tell me I’m dumb.
Don’t tell me I’m not thoughtful.
I’m a white girl.
Take a glance at my resourcefulness,
Understand my goals of being ambitious,
Get rid of your own stereotype-inducing cockiness,
And notice me in all of my flawlessness.
Because I am a white girl,
And I am unique, strong, inventive,
Empowered, passionate, adventurous,
Indomitable, unbeatable.
I am an individual –
Not part of some whole that you put me in to stabilize your mold,
Not the example of a societally scatterbrained ***** meant to be your centerfold,  
Not a previously worn-out piece of clothing thrown to the gutter unsold,
Rather a human being of my own rules and my own morals
A human being with ideas and intelligence and power,
A white, Jewish girl,
A person.

365Nectar #48  Life and No Regrets            
Sun. November 10, 2013  11:26 P.M.

Wildly dancing down Devil's highway to heaven
life on the line...

Unrecognizable negatives
illuminating the revolution of evolution...

Exploration of afterthought with a loaded gun
elaborate irrational Rats emerge...

Neglected emotions stomp out the room in a crazed tantrum
and embellished restrictions gloat as enthusiastic whimsy encourages...

Unpublished tolerance collects dust
as a swollen hot head self-justifies and bamboozles life's strategy...

Habitual self-inflicted torture is driven by constant social pressure
and reflective adaptation is blamed for birthing excessive pain....

Premature gestation period makes the difficult practically impossible and Scavengers take obvious advantage of impediments...

An overall reckoning...

Confined to an ever-diminishing brain
with the threat of imminent extinction...

Turn your disadvantage into great advantage...abort helplessness and manipulate a spiral of effective intelligence...

Be Unapologetic with Deliberate...

Absolutely Decisive with Destructive...

then sign-off with NO REGRETS.