2019
A year of supposed promises
The ones made before you boarded that plane
I recall the hour-long talks after dinner
The endless car rides infused with songs of our past
We had always told each other we'd be there for one another
If there was any certainty in all this
It would be in our efforts towards each other
You once told me I was somebody you needed
Somebody who you wanted by your side in all of your successes and failures
I thought these words held validity to them
I guess not
...
Fast forward 365 days later
The closing of a decade
A recap of my childhood blares through the speakers
The days of struggling adolescence are cued next
And embedded in them are the recollections of you and I
New Years Eve
Attending a party I had no formal invitation to
I see you across the room
Do you feel it too?
Do you think of the taxi ride ten minutes before midnight last year?
Did your "2019 Recap" include me?
Or did you save yourself the trouble and delete every trace of me ahead of time?
There's no room for conversation anymore
Only side glances and uncomfortable stares
Your eyes send a message I've grown tired of deciphering
Are you satisfied with the way things are?
Or do you wish they were different?
What difference does it make?
If you wanted to
You would've,
Wouldn't you?
...
I think we're running out of things we can say
Or maybe there's too much to say and no way to start this again
I don't want to salvage whatever may be left because of history
I don't want you to keep me around because of memories
Stay
Or leave
But don't come back and forth when it benefits you only
...
This one's for you
Don't make promises you have no intention of keeping

I want to love
Deeply and
Explicitly
I want to detach myself of all the fears
Of all the assumptions I've made
I await the day I can share my past
Without the insecurity of allowing it to dictate my future
...
I want to love in certainty
I want to love with the self-made proof I will not become like the two who raised me
Confusing hatred for passion
Prolonging their facade for the sake of "protecting" me
Yet all it led to was hurt
I refuse to settle for a certain love because I am "stuck"
I refuse to compromise myself solely for the sake of avoiding loneliness,
Convincing myself to love a person because I need to when it isn't a necessity
...
I want to love without question
I want to love to give
I want to love to take risks
I want to love to prove to my inner child that the love I witnessed growing up will not foreshadow my own
I want to love with the understanding that it will make me better
I want to love to show that 10-year-old
I can
That my personal capabilities are not confined to the circumstances I grew up with
...
This one's for me
For finding and understanding the love I needed ten years ago
-c.alejandra

You’ll grow up with the need to seek attention from those who mean the least to you
For a status that will mean nothing in a few years time
All for a title and name that is insignificant and formed on the basis of validation
You’ll alter parts of yourself to appease to the greater mass
Cut your hair because it’s what everyone besides yourself wants
Wear tighter clothes to gain recognition from boys in the hallways
Attend parties for the mere sake of being noticed
Befriend those you have nothing in common with
Dumb down your intellectuality to seem relatable
See your reflection in the mirror only to resent it
Hate yourself because you've seemingly become everything you detest

This one’s for you
For failing to see the beautiful parts in yourself and embracing them
You are everything you ever needed to be long before they told you to change

-c. alejandra

Deserted in isolation and silence
Searching for peace in those who could never grant your inner desires
Is this what you wanted?
Turning away slowly
You walk so proudly, but are you all that you embody?
An empty road soaks itself in your existence
Expecting to lose itself in your intricacy
But little does it know you are always abandoned in vacancy

You ponder on
But where is it that you’re hoping to end up at?
What is it that you’re looking for?
Did you hope to find validation in the arms of another?
Or maybe get lost in the words of a lover?
Were you hoping for a message in a bottle to grant you salvation?
Or did you end up by yourself out of misery and neglection?
Did you walk through the overwhelming amounts of rain with prosperous dreams of an arc of
hues on the other side?

Tell me, did the breathtaking field of flowers persuade you to pick them?
Roses, begonias, lilies, and dandelions
Did their beauty allure you to douse yourself in their presence?
The softness of their skin pressing against your fingertips
Did the sun inundate you in all her goodness?
Fooling you to reach for her rays, with the persistent realization she’d scorch you in an instant
Did you fall in love with the Luna?
Both her and her cryptic ways
Depicting serene paradise in darkness
Did you hope to be with her even though she is seized at the break of dawn?
Grasped by the warmth of the Earth
Did you find comfort in her arms as she embraced you better than anyone had before?
Frolicking with the butterflies
Did you feel the intensity of their being as their wings illuminated the cerulean sky
Plunging into the deep river
Did you trust it enough to take you wherever it was heading, even though you knew very well it could lead you in harm’s way?

Face to face with creatures’ unknown
Falling in love with a discrete sort of beauty
Was this what you imagined happiness would feel like?

Surrounded by so much ecstasy and freedom
Did you find what you’re looking for?
-c.alejandra

Did you think I was a highway?
A path open for all those who needed an escape
Vacant in the middle of the night
Yet instantly illuminated by your headlights
Did you think I enjoyed your tires scraping against the tar of my road?
Did you think I was a temple?
A holy sacred place in need of violation?
But of course you thought too highly of yourself
And converted it into a place of sin and deceit
A place meant to be filled with cherishment and beauty
Why did you have to invade with your own beliefs?
Did you think I was an ocean?
Tame enough for you to sail through
You are so blinded by your own **** greed
You have such little knowledge of the shrilling waters I am composed of
Did you reckon I was a war meant to be fought in your favor?
A battle only you could seek victory in
Did you think I was a city in need of your fast cars?
Hotels and dance floors?
Did you expect that within your presence
I would collapse on my knees and do you a favor?
Did you convince yourself that I was created for only one purpose?
Did you expect me to live in silence?
Wilting in your power and dignity?
Seized from the Heavens
As God’s greatest gift
Have you forgotten who I am?
My voice echoes
Compelling all those under its influence
One word
5 letters
….
Woman


-c.alejandra

allow me to indulge you with my philosophy
it has become apparent to me that throughout the course of my life
the same question has been imposed upon me
and i have given the same answer
until now
ask me what i believe is to be the greatest feeling that anyone can portray
happiness
it defeats all other sentiments on this earth
it surmounts rage, hate, fear, pain, and dejection
all things that others may find beguiling
i choose to believe they are mistaken
indeed
you can contempt yourself with woe
surround yourself with closed doors, pills, and solitude on the bathroom floor at 3am
you can seal yourself in a package with immeasurable bitterness and agitation
a disclaimer at the very top spelling out
“WARNING DO NOT TOUCH”
you can choose to seek gratification in tarnishing others
transforming yourself as a threat rather than safety
depict the gates of hell out of your insecurities
scorch all those who reach for you
shall i continue?
…
happiness
the apprehension that you wish to unlock
a notion one is granted
yet you choose to form an idea that it cannot be found
even when the key is set out in blindsight
the fundamental of this bias weighs solely on you
releasing yourself from the confinement you’ve been defined by
some may say they await the arrival of another
convincing themselves this “person” renders all qualities to set them loose
secluded by the gravel
there is no outlet without someone to uplift you
but your freedom is not disposed to you by another
happiness is not fed amongst the perception of others
believe me when i tell you
it is rooted from within you
it forms rivers and valleys out of your ache
establishes mountains of your inmost fears

i know of all these things because i myself have felt them
strongly
intensely
lightly
delicately
i spent so long in hiding i forgot the rich sentiment of the sun
i wasted months in the profundity of darkness
the appearance of light itself enthralled me
i shared a room with remorse and regret
revolted for all the things i had said
and all those i didn’t
i released wars amongst my waters
you’d be swept by vigorous currents and devoured by creatures whose only natural instinct was to **** the first thing in their sight
i was a depiction of all the things i wanted least to be
a perfect contradiction to all that i desired and was
yet
i cleansed myself from the agony
that i forgot how rich my skin was after all the dirt and excess was removed
i have grown fields of thorns out of the vexation of the words i spoke
but i discovered once i altered that hate into acceptance
once i deluded myself in self discovery
i was swallowed by hills of daffodils
that seemed to extend for miles and miles
i somehow came to peace with the fact that infinitely deep in all this chaos
there is beauty
i understood once battles have been fought it is for certain best to make amends
and this war
this frightful
terrifying yet
completely mesmerizing war
it was all against myself
and in the midst
i glanced around myself and i saw
so vividly the storm you and everybody else
including my own self
seem so confined in
a confinement we assume defines us
but it does not
because in fact
it entitles us to strength
it gives us a reason to strive for courage
a reason to lose ourselves in order to be found
the convincement that once we reach an everlasting winter within ourselves
we will be unable to walk in the rays of our own sunlight again
we will cease to grasp the howling of the wind
neglected to feel the intensity of it as it nearly sweeps us off our feet
preventing us from feeling and indulging ourselves in the unknown
to laugh to the extent we’re clenching our own stomachs
and droplets of purity leaking from our eyelids
the fulfillment of dancing in our rooms in the middle of the night
when everyone is dead asleep
yet we’re allured into another world of art
finding surrealness with goodness in everything we do and feel
even if at times it isn’t always as easy as we’d like it to be
making it seemingly impossible to view ourselves as more than the sum of our parts
but as the entire landscape of the person we are
to seize every moment and making it our own
creating a canvas with our smile and allowing it to illustrate things we never imagined we could create
but that is untrue in the most tremendous of ways
for i have finally seen myself
aware that there were and are parts of me that are for more prettier to view than the rest
because of this i took cover and hid in shame and ignominy
a wallflower sitting recklessly in darkness
forsaken in her own solitude to even attempt to step foot in the light
but i assure you once i did
once i had found myself
the seed planted within me ages ago
sprouted
beams of the sun showered me in constant radiance
the storms that passed over painted hues on every inch of my skin
that at last
i became a garden of my own
blossoming with begonias, marigolds and sunflowers
a vision of ecstasy to all that passed me
my kaleidoscopic shades fascinated all those in my presence
for i am no longer reluctant with who i am and was
i have found inner peace in the person i am
so go ahead
ask me what i believe to be the greatest feeling anyone can portray
and every single time i shall answer
…
happiness
-c. alejandra