place your happiness in the hands of others
and they will destroy it
allow yourself to assume the best in people
even when they are composed of vain
sacrifice yourself in exchange for the validation of others
and you shall always be disappointed
convince yourself that without him you will be incomplete
yet
with him
you will be whole
and he will fill the silence
grow daffodils where there were once thorns
he shall create oceans of your deserts
and in the darkness
he will illuminate the light you've been longing for
you force yourself to believe that no one will ever love you for all that you are the way he did
that no one will ever surmount your tempest and see the beauty
that no one could ever fall in love with so much intricacy and complexity
you build a wall around the idea of letting people in
of allowing someone to take a step inside and see whats beyond the guarded doors of your heart
ashamed for all that you are
even though there is so much to be proud of
i watch you drown yourself in the sea he built for you
hoping that your call for rescue will awaken him
but you are left to drown in his memory
how revolting
the promises they make
are never able to be kept
-c. alejandra

i remember waking up to emptiness and vacancy
i remember a voice, unable to distinguish it
uncertain
dazed
i remember being in your presence
but unable to feel the pleasure i had once drowned in
i remembering holding your hand
though i did not use it to trace constellations
like i had done all those times before
i recall searching longing for the treasure in your eyes
but all that blinded me were the chalked stained ashes
rather than the mines of gold i once found myself getting lost in entirely
i remember being in your embrace
so vibrant and passionate
now absent and distant
i remember your arms wrapping around me
holding me infinitely
pushing me against your chest
my safe haven
now the one place i am completely terrified of turning to
at last
you planted a kiss on my forehead
another imprint marking one of the few wonders of my body
and though i tried to find meaning behind it
i could not
i remember your paintbrushes running through the pallet of my hair
but not with the watercolors you once used
not with your gentle strokes and random outbursts of color
now your painting remains untouched
a sudden work of art
incomplete
left in the far corner along with your efforts
i remember glimpsing at you one last time
before you walked out
realizing the entity of light i found myself attracted to
was nothing but a flare your darkness had devoured
i remember falling asleep beside you and being completely infatuated with all there was to know about you
only to be present in the horrific nightmare i had created with the illusion of the person i thought you were
just to mask the harrowing reality of who you are
-c. alejandra

I searched longingly for an answer I could not find
One that remains empty and vacant in the far corner of my mind
When all at once I caught a glimpse of a crowd
A never ending sea made of crepe paper
Roses of Sharon, no matter how you label them,
They shall always be lovely

Beside the sand, beneath the trees,
Twirling and swaying to the name of the wind
Constant as the vibrant glow of the moon in the night sky
And the radiance of the sun blooming in the horizon
They stretched in a never ending line
Along the margin of a bay
Ten thousand saw I at glance
And all at once, his memory flushed into me
Gripping onto all the sorrow I had flooded myself in

For oft, when on my swing I sit
In a remorseful or pensive thought
Thinking of the man I wish I had given more of my time to
I drown myself in the ocean of lavender he painted for me to sink in
And as I submerge into the amaranth purple of it all
A sudden wave flashes upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude
And then my heart with pleasure fills
Knowing things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end,
If not always in the way we expect
Just like his spirit in the Roses of Sharon

locked in a cage for burning your passions too brightly
dreams unreachable because of your crimson skin
longing to fly into the depths of the horizon
hurtling flames ignited behind bars
bronze and gold glowing silently

27 years and your inferno has become nothing but a spark
though weak and shaken from the cold november rain
those trapped and those in hiding
paint songs on air
like constellations in the sky
just as you’re about to collapse
magic erupts from the blaze
a single powerless prisoner seeming to be more powerful than all of hell’s threats and guns

sacrificing yourself for redemption
a bird perished in turmoil
setting yourself ablaze for those in need of saving
gleaming creature of fire
you appear through your ashes
a new hope
god of the sun

at last
risen from the ashes of your past
an unexpected source of beauty
you no longer fear darkness and its demons
clouds- displaying the vivid color of blood
radiating the sacrifice of your freedom
wind- echoing the fire set by your wings
the sky- your canvas
paint it with your visions of the future
the sea- a tragic reflection of all the pain you’ve shed
soaring forever because your spirit will never die
dreams are now your destiny; seize them with all your might
your flame will burn eternally for years to come
there shall be times of breaking and moments of despair
but one thing remains true-
amidst the smoke and chaos
you are more beautiful than before
for you are the legend of the phoenix
-c. alejandra

almost is never enough
maybe i'm too blame
for the read messages
missed calls
ignorance
for the short glances
for all the times i said i would, but didn't
for every word i said, yet couldn't mean
walking by you though looking past your presence

almost is never enough
to all the times i caught you staring
i never wanted you to turn away
all the times you wanted me to be yours
"yes" i would've said
but you never asked

almost is never enough
at last, after all those weeks of denial
i longed for you
completely
with so much hope and ecstasy carried on my shoulders
i-
naive and thoughtless
ready to be swept by your winds
i stepped foot in your storm
hoping that the wait would be worth it

almost is never enough
i search for you amidst all the rage set in place
in pure solitude you sit in the eye of the tempest.
infuriated. wretched.
when all at once comes a figure
someone i'd never seen before
pleasing to all who looked upon her
your eyes fixated on her
chaos
madness
fright
terror
and then
silence
almost is never enough

-c. alejandra

how much longer until reality comes for us?
why are we still trying to calm a storm that has no means of ending?
why am i uncertain of which path to take-
knowing that whatever i choose
i will never be happy
knowing that holding onto a hurricane
an immense swirling mass of destruction
engulfing me with no hesitation
escorted by the violent winds and endless rain taken with it
i will live as a prisoner
trapped. captive.
unable to escape the arbitrary rage you surround me with
i cling on
latching every bit of myself onto this hell you've created of yourself
others seem to find beauty in pain
but agony is not appealing
loneliness is not art
and storms do not come with exit escapes
but looks are deceiving
after all
you once were a field of roses
pleasant to every eye in sight
so tell me
who snatched your crimson beauty
and replaced it with a valley of harrowing thorns
that now surrounds your heart?
-c. alejandra

washed up seashells
vibrating with innocence
illuminating happiness
sinking below the sand
unable to reach it
its vanished
seized by the current
an illustration of all i once had
for a moment
now
gone
-c. alejandra