there are some things i'll never be able to explain to you
like how i have to squint to read street signs
but your eyes are perfectly clear
or my own madness
and how i can't tell what's real
or maybe how i felt the day i met you,
when i knew that you would be significant
but you would never believe these things
even though you should
because i can't exactly explain why
i can't bear your sadness;
it's like watching clouds when you so desperately
want to see the stars
but since i know it's there
i still can't look away

they raised me
to be
god fearing
but the only thing
i fear
is ignorance

how can i make time for friends
when my mom barely gets off the couch
and my sister is crying on the floor
cracking into a million colorful pieces
or time for school
when i have my father's absence to puzzle over
or the complex question
of my very existence
boys? no way
with the memories of my parents screaming
and my father's drunken stumbling
up the stairs, to her room
and more screaming, screaming,
filling my ears
even years later
how can i know how to make something that stays
when the memories of slipping on my boots
in the middle of the night
and creeping out the door
of days spent trying not to rattle the cage
loud enough to wake the monster
how can i stay
when every
single
person
has shown me that it's better to run away?
why would i want anyone
to ever have to deal with me
when i can't even deal with myself
how can i create something that will withstand
the turbulent storms of emotions
that i face every day
when my life has been anything but stable?

you asked me to tell you
what was eating at me
but i didn't have
the ******* nerve
to tell you
that you are the pieces i've
been missing
even though
i've gone to every length
to love him
he is my stability
but you are my
passion
and
storm

when it gets cold
i start to remember
when you made me touch you
on my grandparents couch
and when she talks to me
she reminds me of you and
all i can think of
is when you touched me too
and i thought it was
electricity
but it was only a
shock

i'm so glad they threw out
that **** couch

i watched a movie last night
coincidentally,
i was confused over you
but i can point fingers
all day long
and say that your
indifference and silence
cause our problems
but i know that it's difficult
to deal with me, too
this is how i realized
that i'm not ready
to give up
because i still remember
the first time i talked to you
and i thought
"i'm going to fall in love with him"
and if my entire being was erased,
and i was born again
i would choose you—
and all your *******—
all over again

The loneliness turns my insides to stone
Makes it hard for me to choke down
Everyone and their consoling words.
I'd much rather sit and drink my tea
From lonely cups and write somber poetry
Than pretend that a night with my friends
Will erase the melancholy that stains my life.
Because I could have every star in the night sky,
And I would still be lonely.

No matter how hard I try
I cannot remember
What it was like to feel those things
For you, for everyone.
It has been too long.
They lied
Time seals all outflow of emotion
And makes it impossible to go back.

as I look out the window on a spring day
which looks a lot like winter
I numbly sip my tea
and think of you and your apologies
but you're apologizing for the wrong things
that is why I smile graciously
as you whisper those words against my skin
although I am still dying
for I will never mean anything to you
I will never be more to you
or anybody
I guess that's why I let them all use me
and I'm so used to it
that the pain of this knowledge
is only a dull throb
as I allow you to trace the contours of my body
and lie to me with your clever half truths
this sharp stinging pain only comes after
when I realize
that I mean even less than I imagined

i stare at the wall
paralyzed
comatose
wondering if you truly love me
and i you
because we both
know that everything ends
and yet we're counting on this to last
indefinitely

some days
we can't even look at each other
but the beauty is that
tomorrow we won't be able to look away

because you are everything i wish i could be
patient and kind
while i am unpredictable and vivacious
full of the anger you wish you could produce

sometimes i get scared of finding someone else
who i love more than you
other times,
i get terrified
because i know that i won't

one thing is for sure
my unbitten nails
are proof that you
have helped me
so much more
than you could ever know

your aggression
pins me against the wall
and quiets my thoughts
as it raises my heartbeat
i don't have to give you
permission

It's gotten to the point
That it doesn't build up
And explode
I am so worn through
With emotion
That I cave into myself
And my own catastrophe
Comes raining down
Drowning me

It's not about high and low points
It's all an ocean
Whether you're deep in the trenches
Or floundering away on top
The water never goes away
The ocean is alive in its vigor
And it won't stop for you
Even if you're drowning,
Like me

Sometimes you meet people
Who are like the first gulp of air
When you've been under water
For awhile
And you're still drowing
Because you don't know how to swim
But you know now
That every wave must pass

icy scraping,
steep inclines,
when you're going so fast
and you know
that if you lose control
the consequences will be dire
and possibly (hopefully?) fatal
that is when i push the hardest
since the damage is already done
to a time that lasts
less than your favorite song
and those moments of
weightlessness
i owe my life.

you kissed my coffee stained lips this morning
and i swear to god
that coffee didn't taste half as sweet
when you had gone

picture a beautiful, warm home
(these are his eyes)
constant contentment, joyous relief
(these are his reassuring words)
but one day
you are lost
cold and confused, you scramble for anything
that will give you a fraction of what you had
before you realized you had it
(this is when everything started to change)
how could you ever stop looking?