Because you weren't there
To give a **** about me
Anymore

I know good things come
To those who wait
But I'd come a lot quicker
If you'd stop teasing me

Two months ago my grandma's spirit
Started leaving her body
She hadn't passed yet but
She had no use for this realm anymore
I wondered where spirits go
And who would tell me I'm wonderful
And beautiful and perfect
Once she was gone

Two months ago my mother and I
Planted morning glories
On our old rusted lightpost
"They never grow for me," she said
"Every year I try and they just never latch on, never grow how they're supposed to"
She glanced at me as if she wasn't talking about flowers anymore
"If they bloom I will kiss you with joy"

Nearly always, I do not feel wonderful
Or beautiful or perfect
But as time passed and I questioned
Why we all try
Just to suffer and die
In your home, in your hell
After twenty, thirty, or eighty years
I realized that the vines had taken over the post, had overgrown the broken lightbulb
The twisted vines full of buds
Had reached over 7 feet

My grandma's hands could grow any flower on this planet
But she was not a flower
She was not delicate
She did not need to be coddled
She is the weeds that you yank out every weekend just to grow back
She is a mighty cactus in Arizona

She is the morning glories in my front lawn,
Living by the earth instead of it's seasons
She could have been a redwood
Or a rare plant, remotely in Tahiti
Protected, strong, beautiful
She is the morning glories on my front lawn to remind me
"So can you"

Long, rolling thunder
In the dead of night

A crack of lightning,
Iridescent and bright

A slow drizzle
Stuck in the morning light

See me once,
Then I'm out of sight

Love me with all you've got
Before you ask yourself
What we should be

We're all playing the same game
On different levels
We're all fighting like hell
Just with different devils

with an infectious smile
and spirits higher
than the mountains i crave
my music is blasting as
every
single
problem
i've ever had
simply ceases to exist
and there is no pressure
and there is no anger
and there is no him
or her
or anyone
unless i want them to be there.
my heart never stops racing,
faster than i fly down the hills
and in those glorious moments
i am not angry
or sad
or lonely
because i am simply free

You stopped wanting me
Because I didn't do drugs
So I just didn't understand
Now I do drugs
And you still don't want me
But at least I'm too high to care

i've never been much for physical appearances
why smooth your hair
when it will only tangle
or do your make up
when your tears send streaks of black
down your face
or paint your nails
which will only chip
you are a different person each day of your life
so if you don't try, i suppose you won't know
but you can't break a promise you never made

You go looking for trouble
Because wind and rain
And snow and clouds
Make life exciting
Right?
And who wants dull,
Clear blue skies every day
Anyways?
But after awhile
You get a few too many clouds,
A little too much rain
And you start to forget
Those clear blue days
That you were so bored of

I can never get attached
I rebound so fast
I'll make your head spin
And when it stops
You'll look back
To where you've strung me along
All this time
But I'll already be gone
And you'll be wondering
Why you ever bothered at all

As the edges of the world
Turn orange and red
It's comforting
And ominous
To mark the end of another day,
Never truly knowing
If you'll ever have another
The sunset always tries it's best
And so should you

When did I
Start preferring your lips
Over the air I breathe?

Mid July nights
You roll over
And we're in a new city
I taste the adrenaline on your fingertips
As we taste each other in a new city

It is home just for one night
I wish I could call your eyes home again
But lately you're in another galaxy
Somewhere far away from here
If I ever found you,
Would you let me stay?

At least now
I have the scar
To prove
That everyone hurts me
(Don't take my word for it, just look)

Besides being vaporized,
We can only imagine intense light
Intense heat
As unfathomable as nothingness
Should the ability to blind be praised?
Should something matter just because it refuses to be ignored?

Forgive me if I fade away
Even though
You've been begging me to stay
I just don't see the use
It's better this way.

My mind is tired,
My body moves
With a heavy sigh.
"Another day?" it asks
Another day of cold indifference
Of yearning for closeness
A day of sleeping, but no rest
Of looking for meaning,
But not knowing where to start
Another day of being stuck

i am fine
(i am panicking, panicking, panicking)
it's just stress
(panic panic)
not even you can calm my rapid breath
(as i panic, and panic)
resistance is pointless
(inhale reason, exhale panic)
and i can't breathe.
(and i panic)

You can't get sad
Over what it was
Rather ask yourself
What is it now?

Someone said that true love
Is letting someone go
And seeing if they come back to you
(This is a lie)
When I think of what I want most
It is you looking at me the way you used to
I smile, barely thinking of this purgatory
Where we can't look
Can't touch
Without pain over what we were
What I know we should be
True love
Is being together,
Not knowing how to be apart

People who glorify sadness
Aren't drowning
They just tie bricks to their feet

i can't cry
can't be upset
because in my mind
i have faith
that this won't be
the end
this can't be
because if it is
i shall surely
die

Sometimes you meet people
Who make you feel
Like you're taking a breath of air
For the first time after nearly drowning
Sometimes they will stay
And teach you to swim
Sometimes they will leave
Leave you in the undertow

your anger churns your eyes
i distract myself
by thinking of your breath
on my neck
and as you apologize
i imagine you whispering
"i love you"
into the dark
and i realize
that all that has happened
has taught me only one thing:
forgive, always forgive.

dying only makes it harder
for those who are still living
but I am so sick
of living for other people

i am a wild spirit
living on chaos and disarray

you are premeditated
concise and practical

you've never stopped
trying to tame me

I reach down to the earth and know
That everything that has
Ever mattered to me has rested on it
I reach for any star
As close as I can get to touching it
Knowing that everything
I've ever thought was impossible
Is just beyond my fingertips

Why do I find you there
Under and beyond my fingertips?
Are you the earth I grow on?
Are you those stars I long to live in?

I really am not good at looking for things
I get impatient, I get distracted.
I forget what it is that I was searching for,
If I was really searching for anything at all.
And ultimately, it winds up
That I settle for much less than I deserve.

Music blaring in my car
As I sip bitter coffee
If you could see me now,
You'd tell me,
"You never liked this song.
You never liked black coffee &
You told me you weren't addicted
To anything, let alone cigarettes"
Of course I'd tell you that
Since I didn't want to tell you
That your touch on my skin
Instantly invades my bloodstream
Makes it hard to think
Takes the pain away
I didn't want you to know
That the only thing I've allowed myself
To get addicted to
Is you

Haven't felt hungry
Since we last spoke
All I crave is your touch
My body says differently
My hip bones jut out
Legs barely touching
I trace the lines
Of where my body used to end
With brilliant red
Open skin
Trying to resemble
The open fire I felt
When you touched me
It didn't work
You still aren't here to care
Where the hell did you go?

Going 75 in a 30 at midnight,
Screaming my favorite song
I am comforted
Knowing that I can move
As fast as my thoughts

I'm no stranger to grief
And as days get blacker
And I begin to forget how it feels
To smile
My hands are still shaking
Stomach complaining
At the lack of attention
I know that it's all a process
And one day there will be
No more tears to cry
And I will begin my ascent
I won't remember you
Just that it didn't even look like you
When you left me
(You left me. You ******* left me.)
I will remember that I gave you everything
And you threw me out in return

never apologize for words thrown carelessly
or words not spoken at all
let the heat smolder beneath the surface
until you are full of hot magma

tick
tock

explosion will be rebirth
but your relationship
will be ashes

We've come full circle
From intertwining hearts
Connected mind body and soul
To being strangers
Who can't think of one thing to talk about
I feel myself changing again
And I think if you'd let me show you
We'd have more in common
Than different
Again