you say you want to help me, but its just a waste of our time.
my pain gets you paid, every few seconds is a dime.
but i could sit here for hours, just sit here and think.
its your silence, not mine, that pushes me to the brink.
i want to reach out, to scream in your face.
but somehow i feel like that isn't my place.
you sit there and smile, like i should be glad.
you don't realize its you that makes me so mad.
your legs remain crossed, like my arms over my chest.
if we could just solve one single problem, we could solve all the rest.
but we sit here unmoving, barely breathing, in anger.
if only, if only my life weren't in danger.
suddenly, a thought seeps into my head.
what if i just spoke? i wouldn't seem so dead.
so i lift up my eyes, and stare straight into yours.
this simple gesture, seemed to open up the doors.
you crash into me with a wave of questions, expecting answers and reasons.
but i cant give you them, my feelings change as quickly as the seasons.
i open my mouth to object your forthcoming, find myself telling my story.
you lean in to hear it all, details minute and details gory.
with every new sentence, i almost shout.
my new-found strength found a way to drown the pain out.
now i call you every sunday, just to make sure you're okay.
it used to be so different, i dreaded seeing you everyday.
when you have something to tell me, i listen to it all.
just like you were there for me, through the big things and the small.
i never saw it then, but its clear as day now.
you were always listening, its just that i didn't know how.
you read my eyes, when they were the only things speaking.
they absolutely betrayed me then, my story that they kept leaking.
i stood alone in my time of need, and blamed everyone but me.
nobody understood i was hurting, but just couldn't plea.
i know to appreciate everything life throws at me these days.
and i know how to deal with them in so many ways.
i look at my scars, the ones he put there in the worst ways he could.
i know i could cover them, and i wish that i would.
but i no longer wear them as an embarrassment, a badge of shame.
i know that he did it, and he's the one to blame.
i stopped taking my pills, i wanted you to know.
i want to be truly happy, i wanted something to show.
i smile on my own now, each and every day.
its because you listened, that i can finally say.
i made it to serenity, and now im really okay.

She's a sultry one, I know
seducing me with words I've used before
but never felt the weight until they came
From fingers nimbly graceful as her' s

When I see her profile I smile
Knowing what her words will do
though she's a thousand miles away
she can whisper clear as day

Make me feel again all those things
I ran from and forgot (or tried to)
She reminds me that I am not
Pining alone, or uselessly

If written words were miles
and reading the same as traveling
I'd be at your front door by now
begging for one more verse

When I was younger,
as our lips met
I was so eager
to free you
          from your fabric bonds
I was in such a hurry
to liberate you
         from the oppressive clothing
that was strangling your body
                inhibiting your beauty
                hiding the soft curves of your skin
I treated our time together
like a small child would treat a Christmas gift,
Greedily tearing away at the wrapping paper
to retrieve the object of his desire.

Unaware that anticipation can be just as rewarding
as the reward itself

My priorities have shifted
          I've learned

Let me just lay next to you
admire you as you bite your lip
   enticing a kiss.

    Just a small one

Let me run my hand down your arm
as my fingers find yours and
   i n t e r t w i n e

Let me watch as your eyes follow mine
into the place where no words
need be spoken

I want to listen to your heartbeat
                   There's no need to rush this.

I want to get lost with you in this moment

                 Just for a bit

Before we're lost in the passion of the night

I want to be a writer.

I want to be a filmmaker.

I want to be invincible.

I want to see it all.

I want to look into your eyes and see something completely unexpected.

I want to dig my fingers through the dirt and discover some ancient secret.

I want to be famous.

I want to be completely unknown.

I want to be seen by you. Really seen.

I want to run my fingers across every inch of your naked body.

I want to run through every hill and valley.

I want to learn to live with the pain and in turn live with unfathomable grace.

I want to forgive.

I want to be forgiven.

I want to move forward with confidence and faith in all the uncertainty.

I want to look into the mirror and be at peace with what I see looking back at me.

I want to learn to live in the present.

I want to...

I want to take all these wants and forget them. I want to grab them and crush them with my bare hands. Let them ooze between my fingers and drip into a puddle on the cracked sidewalk. I want to watch these wants evaporate in the blazingly bright morning sun. Follow the frail ribbons of steam until they become undefined and indistinguishable from the puffs of white moving across the everything.

She loves me, She loves me not
She wants me

No, wait....

A second thought

Indecision
Tunnel vision

As she twirls the flower
between her fingertips
              her finger rips
another petal
         Watch it fall
watch it settle
Watch it settle to the ground
Where it never
never ever will be found

Can you see it?
the pile on the floor?
her wilted lovers
her lovers from before

She holds the empty flower in her hand
she simply doesn't understand

Why the spark is there no more
Why she is now so suddenly bored

He's no longer lovely to her eyes
She doesn't fully realize

Why things just aren't quite the same
and
Why she's the one
The one to blame