I think of you
In the way I remember
Only and quite fondly
In times where I
Recollect on someone
Who has known me
In many stages and faces
Many facets in one
But if I equate you with home
It is in location alone
I wonder if I’d see
Your truck on the road
A minute away
From my parents’ house
And if I allow
Myself a minute to
Think on you
My heart yearns
To send a light to you
As a friend
Forgetting
The anger that bubbled up
Within me
It has subsided
And I’ve stopped imagining you
As someone that tried
To tear me down with time
I was simply searching
For something
In the wrong spot

And I heard the song
I walked towards you playing
I am going home soon
With fondness and knowledge
How life has shaped me
How I have shaped it
Of the magic I possess
Of what lives within you as well
And if I dwell on it too long
All I feel is softness for us two
A forgiveness that grew
Out of the cracks of our concrete
A flower I wish to give to you

I love you in the only way
I know how
Something I can do now
From afar, clean and pure
Secretly rooting and wishing for you
Washed and dried, I am sure
My oldest witness
My first of most
I wish you a life filled fully with
More highs than lows
I wish you a life of beauty
Of which you are proud
If I could extend this to you
If it is what you allow
This feeling of forgiveness
For you and for me
Redemption and healing
I wish this to you equally

I was headed for more of the same
The same ways of relating
Providing and caretaking
As if I had a little sign
Above my eyes saying
“Pick me!
I’ll give such little trouble
I’ll do it for free!
You can reap the rewards and
Throw the crumbs towards me
I’ll eat them up hungrily!”

Never stopping
Until I found myself propping
My body up at the doctors office
Her telling me more of the same
That I have one more piece to
Break off and give
If I wanted to live
Even it felt then
That I gave up on myself
Such a small *****
With such a big task
Like my bones may as well be paper
My skin may as well be glass

But I had this overwhelming need
To make it all cease
How do I stop the drumming
How do I stop the marching
The flitting of sand from
One chamber to the next
The ways in which life seemed
To keep happening to me
Instead of being an active participant
I guess I lost myself in it
Unconsciously accepting more of the same

More of the same feels numb
More of the same is a lukewarm bath
A bland meal
Filling but unsatisfying
Predictable and plain

Doing what is expected makes people happy
No one has questions
But with the unexpected,
There are suspicions
Superstitions
What happened when I shattered my own mirror
On purpose because I couldn’t stand
Other peoples reflections staring back at me?
Seven years of bad luck and the
Undeniable deep knowing
That I needed to start again
Or really, for the first time
Walking under a ladder was waking up
Spilling salt meant tossing the rule book
I was handed, over my left shoulder
Not lifting a glass to toast to my ex husband
Before my first sip
Let me finally enjoy myself before
Anyone else was able to
Now I know the flavor I possess
And refuse to be diluted
Good on my own
But even better when shared
Not shamed

No I could never
Let life pass me by
Subsisting on
More of the same

I am
So proud of
Who I’ve become
Who I’ve always been
I am someone
Who is
Flexible
Not malleable
Bendable
Without breaking
Resilient
And ever changing

Reflecting on
The path I’ve
Blazed
The ground I
Lit on fire
To forge a way out
For myself
I had to
Nurse
My own wounds
At the end of the day
No one is
Really there
To fix it all
For you

It’s as if
I had to spill myself
All over the floor
In order to sort
Out what was me
And what was foreign

There was so much time
Where I only saw grey
In my eyes

But
It’s been a year
And the cherry blossoms
Are beginning to bloom
The spring sun is warming
My face
It’s as if my monochrome
Has had rainbows
Put in its place

I’m in love
With the life
I have designed
I have hope
For a future
That’s unmistakably
Mine

Facing you at
A table for four
Don’t talk of it
Or
It would be
Disrespectful
To the game and
Por supuesto
I wish to win

Corona with lime
In hand
And
Por supuesto
Sal en la rim

Put it in the
Corner
Cup holder
Let’s begin

It’s reading
Without speaking
It’s assuming
Without knowing
Watching you place
Your strongest tile
First
I remember
Never to block
What you’ve built

I’ve only so many
I’ve only such time
Between the table and
You watching
With shifting blue eyes

I place what
I can
But
I can
Only read so much
I can
Only get so far
On my own

As if at some point
I need to
Fall blindly and
Trust
That you have the
Missing piece
To let you lead
As if we’re
Dancing
Silently

I tap the table
One more time
As if claiming defeat
Looking down
But then up
As I see
The last tile
Fall from your hands
Right in place
Perfectly

I had been waiting
For you to be different
For my whole life
You were all I had wanted

What happens to you
When you find yourself
Living an answered prayer
But still missing something

I tapped my fingers on tabletops
Sang ballads in the shower
I had no idea what it was
That made us incomplete

It wasn't always just so
There were so many times
I felt so full I could burst
And love would leak from within

But when I lacked, it was dark
I felt dry, like a locked empty home
I folded in to myself, origami swan
Creased and dog eared, not the first time

I loved the idea of life you told me
We could have had together
Did everything I could to help you
Get us there eventually

But I realized that eventually
You would still drown out
My little, little voice
Among the noise of your speakers

No matter how much money
You made, it would be the same
Chasing something that would
Never be enough in the end

I was waiting for you
To love and prioritize me
To see me for exactly who I was
Instead of who you had wished I would be

Someone who always loved you
Put you first and cherished your quirks
Who would have stayed but saw
That you would never change

You find no fault
In what you have done
It is me to blame
For not accepting partial love

I found out that what was
Missing all along was you
Truly respecting and cherishing me
As freely as I did it for you

So instead of waiting
For you to change, I did
“Mom, I am a rich man”
I changed into the partner I needed

Someone who cherishes me
Someone who protects me
Someone who puts me first
Someone who isn't afraid to be close to me

My face is
Your shame
My pain is
Your reminder
My words are
A knife

In twenty years
It will matter
To me that
I did not receive
A card
On our anniversary
And it will matter
That you
Did not listen
To me
As I was asking
For your love
And affection
Over and over
Again

And now it is
“My fault”
That I left
You alone
To feel the space
I took up and now
I’m disturbed
For disrupting
Your world

I gave you myself
Wrapped up
In a little bow
All of the beautiful
Things I could think of
Generosity and
Kindness and
Tenderness in the
Face of stress and
Sleep deprivation
And my financial support
Endlessly
Despite my own
Tribulations
Yours were always
More pressing
More stressful
More important
I was constant
For you
I wanted to be
Perfect
For you
But I didn’t realize
The toll it was taking
On me

When I tell you
I love you
You could never believe me
Not now, especially
But I have to finally
Love myself
More than I love you
Do you understand that?
I cannot pour myself
Out to you
If I have nothing to give
The nurturing love
The love I needed myself
I gave it all away to you
Because I felt that
You needed it more
Than I did
Maybe you did
But I need it now

I need myself
Where is she?
I’m finding her
I need her
I need her sweet love
That I’ve never had
That you loved so much
You loved the love
I gave you
But did you love me?
My cracks and flaws
And imperfections
The darker parts of me
The parts I tried to hide
I am gathering myself up
To find a way
To care for the parts of myself
That I’ve deemed unlovable
That no one would want
I want to want myself

You put me on low
Let me simmer alone
All day long
While you worked
Expecting I’d be ready
When you came home

You set me
And forgot me

Bon appetit

He used to go to another room
When I played my favorite songs
The piano would clash
When I got notes wrong

It turns out, though
He never told me that
He went to another room
So I could relax

He loves to hear me play
But he was giving me space
To relieve my performance pressure
So I could make mistakes

He knew I felt compelled
To be perfect in every way
He thought it would be less stressful
If he was away

All the things he never told me
The secret ways he cares
I’m slowly uncovering them
The more that he shares

I set out at sunset with Spotify
“Ophelia” as my soundtrack
Trekking on the Huckleberry trail
As the sky faded from red to black

“Sirens” began and there I was
Looking at my ex to say goodbye
Unable to feel anything like him
Forcing feigned tears from sapphire eyes

“29 #Strafford APTS” sang and I recall
Wondering what and who he’d be
Imagining a man I didn’t know if existed
Someone who’d love and cherish me

I dreamed he would know me deeply
Love my quirks and intricacies
Know my hopes and dreams and secrets and fears
And remember how I like my coffee

I wished for someone transcendent
To make life light up like a rampart
Someone that liked to learn and grow
Someone like “Steal Your Heart”

Then with a twist of fate you appeared
We reconnected like “Lost Stars”
You made me feel so new again
Despite our past love’s scars

“Lay Me Down” brought me back
To nights spent miles apart
Long distance with the one I love
Empty arms missing half a heart

Sometimes we felt like “Two Ghosts”
Sometimes when you weren’t there
Sometimes we didn’t talk enough
I was left without your care

But it felt like “Home” when you returned
My cross heart melted when you arrived
Catching up on all the time we lost
An era of distance we survived

I’ve always felt this “Stubborn Love”
It cuts me deep, it heals me too
Joys, devastation, laughter, life
I’m living it with you

But as we’ve lived, at times I feel
You’ve been a “Cold Cold Man”
I’ve felt ignored, I’ve felt rejected
I have felt less than less than

When I encountered “Someone New”
It caught me solely by surprise
Somehow you supported and encouraged me
When you saw the sparkle in my eyes

This one I met was different
He came in like a “Happy Accident”
It was so easy to feel it all at once
My preoccupations up and went

My feelings for him did not begin
Because of your inattention
He woke up something inside of me
Something I forgot to mention

He made me feel new in a new way
Flow so easy, we were a “River”
Kindness and connection I can’t contain
The intoxicating alchemy of two givers

But you and I were not aligned
You didn’t realize the full extent
To which I fell into “Someone Else”
Into “Madness”, your descent

Now I am working to pick myself up
The future feels like a maybe
All of this occurred when I opened up
And that’s just “Wasteland, Baby!”

How could I suffocate
My living, breathing fantasies?
Vacuum seal them, pack them up
Asphyxiate the fire inside me

Why do I detest the intricate ways
My heart wants what it wants?
Its off rhythm beats and wildness
A feral labyrinth of knots

I am slowly untying, exploring and finding
Myself within my own mess
If others deserve what makes them happy
Why would I deserve any less?

I need to be leaving
I’m going away
It’s too painful
Right now, to stay

I found a place
For a few days
To be alone
Leave no trace

I hope I will
Hear my quiet voice
Find myself there
Without the noise

I’ve been told
Anger is how
Your body
Communicates
Wakes up
Something in you
Disrupts
And I am
Furious

For myself
And the times
I disregarded
My needs
For another’s
Seemingly more
Important needs

I am someone
I am important
I am here

I have needs
Even if
You can’t
See them
Or choose
To tend
To them

I am
Willing
And able
To help
Myself
For
Myself

Maybe I’ve been complacent
Unable and unwilling
To do without

Maybe I’ve been screaming
With my own hands
Over my mouth

I love to love you fully
Give myself away
As I lose sight

As if it were romantic
Tempt me
And I might

It is the map I follow
Hang a left
At a guilt trap

Empowering myself to change it
Not too late
For turning back

I wish you would dive deep
Explore the cavern
In my chest
I am empty
I am hollow
Not much left

I started so strong
Much resolve
Too much to give
All along

It was too easy
For you to take me
I let you in
I let you have me
So easily

I shouldn’t have to
Guard myself
From the one
Who should have
Protected me

Alone is a place
I’ve never ventured
Always attached
Slightly indentured

Self inflicted fidelity
Unwarranted, at times
Despite indiscretions
Despite others’ crimes

There is something
Twisted, yet satisfying in this
To me, I feel loving
As red flags are dismissed

I hold on by a thread
He, on solid ground
He, allowed to feel loose
While I’m tightly wound

It’s time to stop
This time I meant it
Knowing it now
Being codependent

I saw your eyes for one more time
In the place I'd always dreaded
An opened link, a closed casket
Left me weak and hazy-headed

I tried to meet her eyes abrupt
When I paid respect to your life
She knew my name, without looking up
Your soon-to-be, future wife

It took everything I had
Past almost every threshold
Feeling so much more than sad
Burying someone special

Dented Diet Coke can heart
Trained to be concave
Too shiny and begging
To be torn apart

To feel the sliding
Of aluminum against aluminum
Too smooth and intoxicating
To stop

Willing to
Let you
Do it, too

Don't cut your finger

How quaint to be let in
If only, for a moment
To view your perspective
From my perspective
To sit by your side
And watch you live your life
If only, for a moment

How brief were those encounters
Surprising and scarce.
I met myself there,
Barefoot and just beginning.
Experiencing and cultivating
The grass roots of my soul.

When I do not feel heard
Sometimes I close my eyes
And let my mind take me
In the damp and cold night

I slip out my back porch
Close the door quietly behind
Tiptoing through my yard
So I won't wake you
Before you should know

I walk down the steep hill
Past my house
Farther away, deeper still
Treading on drenched asphalt
Without my phone

Maybe you should have realized me
When I was home?

What an intoxicating fallacy
Is perceived immortality.
The belief of ones vitality
Will be one's true, final fatality.

The thought
Of being passed up
By you
One more time
Hurts more
Than I can
Possibly bear

I've been told
I need to
Get used to it
My role
Is to
Be used to it,
Be understanding,
Patient and caring.

But what happens
If I need it?
I need to
Be used to
Not having you
When I need you most.

Here's a secret
I'd never tell you:
I'll never
Be used to it

The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart

I want the noise to stop
The beeping
The rollercoaster
The constant
Raising and lowering

I desire the still
A slopeless line
The mundane to some
Would be an unbelievable fortune
A dream that I would be
Unable to pinch myself awake from
Because it would never be realized

I crave the quiet
Ubiquitous sleep
Of the unbothered

Sometimes being alive
Feels like too much work

"None of us escape this life unscathed"
You told me and I felt
My insides wilt, then cave

"We all break and rust"
But within my Judas body
Was where I laid my trust

I apologize for my emotional density
I often worry you don't have time for me
I sit and cry and you watch me, scared
Not sure what to say, rushed, unprepared

Life pains the most in first person
The narrowing narrative of perspective
Viewing through the peep hole of the self
Nothing is more personal
Nothing as dense
None could compare

What a fleetingly beautiful thing
I am
My own body
The way it curves and is hard
In some places
And soft in others
And I look at it
As if I could control that
As if I should try

I think on myself
Touch my skin
And wonder
What is this beautiful
And transient thing?

Talking to you
Sometimes
Is like screaming
To the wind
Touching mist
In one ear
Past a space
Out the other

I try to speak
Nothing sticks
I am mute
So it seems
Why is this?

I have found
Little things
Poems I wrote
Years ago
Where I found
The same thing

I cry out
To you dear
What response
Do I hear?

My skeleton is a liar

The soul I possess
Is the true structure
Holding me up,
Making me stand

My spine
Is not my true backbone

As I've seen my body fail
Crash and burn
Dumpster fire
That hyperventilating
Mass in the corner
Out of order
In need of service

My soul shines through
Those smoke filled skies
And jagged rocks

I want it.
The shaking.
I won't know
Otherwise
If it is
Absent.
I wish
My eyesight
Would
Blur and
Vibrate
I don't
Know if I
Can feel that
Anymore
I've been
there too
Many times
It lost its
Touch.
Even at
My lowest
I didn't feel
That low
There
was room
to go down
Further
When would
I feel
it?
When would
I
crash?

Scooped out
Pumpkin guts
Spilled onto my
Newspaper-covered
Kitchen table
Spoon-scraped
Prepared to be cut
Two triangle eyes
For me, please
A mouth with missing teeth
A candle light
At my center
To shine through,
Illuminate the hollow

I was wondering when
I would eat my own words
Now I need to count the carbs
In each syllable

Calculate just how much
Life juice to inject
Into my bruised abdomen
After milking the drops
From my tingling finger

I ask of you to see
And watch and listen to me
Because I am not a result
Of sucrose-inclined molars
Or an unlucky inheritance
I am all of my own

So when my jaw grew thin
I praised myself and thought how
I shed some "extra" fat
I thought perhaps
Maybe I had a tape worm
Or a hollow leg
That hid over 2500 calories
In a single day that still didn't feel
Like enough
With 126 oz of water
I was leaking every twenty minutes
I praised myself, but
I didnt feel like myself

I knew before I knew
Had that deep gut feel
Before it was real
It was so undeniably mine
Like a limb I forgot I had

But it was like that limb previously
Slapped me in the face,
Stole my fortune,
Ran off with my fiancé,
Then said I was bound for great things
As it slipped out the back

I was shredded into nothing
But handed something of promise

You've not been feeling yourself
A dull kind of ache
A colorless vision

Feels too small to mention
Yet larger than comfortable
I see you inside

I sat in a field, once
Off topic, but it connects
I was thirteen and was offered
A fruit punch with Burnetts
I said no, but watched
As she did and spun around
In that field with that drink
And a sky full of stars

I felt small
In a snowglobe
The stars were just pieces
Of flakes ready to fall
I stared hard at them
And for the first time I saw
Their true light
Never constant
Brighter
Duller
Brighter

And as I reflect
I know that this much is true
Just as the stars are
Even people flicker too

It's not that this space
Aches in your lack
It's that it feels fuller
When you come back

It clouds the way I see your face
Transports me to another place
Makes me dissect a warm embrace
Oh how I wish it wouldn't

I hate to hurt, from past and you
It's trained in me, nothing to do
With how we are, I see it through
You're wonderful, I have no clue

As if you whipped my heart to shape
Looked over like a wilted drape
I trained my heart to feel like crepe
Clutched like Ann Darrow by the ape

It is my way I have found
It lifts my feet from solid ground
Like a circus mirror it confounds
Leaves me foolish in it like a clown

I don't expect you to see
The way its wicked works on me
It's hard some days, but I will always be
Much more than my anxiety

November
Crisp weather
Together
Again

Our sweaters
Blue and maroon
Were you nervious?
I was too.

Fingers inched
Memoried pinched
Heart strings tugged
Surely cinched

There we were
Together again
More than just
Two old friends

Tree limbs bare
Crunching brush
New old growth
Made me blush

My biggest fear
Is that you'd forget me here
Move along with my body
Leave my heart unseen

Intertwine your life
With who you think I am
Form sentences from my words
In the order you ordain

Be quick to assist
To the whim of a stranger
In the early morning hours
But forget I am broken

Do you ever look at my hands
Visually caress the curvature of my face
Trace the light with your eyes
And contemplate my being?

Gritty, ***** earth
I would make a space
Defined edges and lines
A plant for every place

I would water it daily
Returning from a run
On the way to fetch the mail
Soaking up the sun

Divots in dirt
Turn to flowers in earth
And fruit within weeks
But for all that it's worth

I'd tend to this land
Nurture it with time
All to see you
Pluck fruit fresh from the vine

When the room was clear and stage was dark
I felt a pang inside my heart
As I looked to where you used to be
I sighed a familiar sigh

The sigh that knows your name
But does not need to utter the syllables
Because even if it is not said
It knows that I sigh for you
I cry for you
I'd lie for you
But I hide from you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
Every love song, in soprano
Serenades in smoky rooms
With low voices whispering in your ear
Soothing you into a trance
If you come closer, you can hear
My yearning voice for you
You can almost feel
My light touch across you dance

I compare stories of every love 
I have ever heard
To our tale, in my mind
Like a kindergartner trying to cut out a picture
Based on a pattern held with stubby hands
I line the edges up just right and see what fits into us

Oh, I look around and hope you are there
To notice me
To think of me
To dream as I do
As if I were the only girl you had ever loved
The only girl you are capable of loving
The only girl you want
But what can I give you?

I've waited a long time
And I'm pretty sure I'd wait again
Because I'm your fool
A jester 
That's performing only for your applause
For you to admire from the first row
To clap your hands and shout "Bravo!"

I hated her
I used to
The way she silently scribbled of you
On used napkins with borrowed pens
Loving someone who would never return
It stung but she craved it
The rhymes helped with the burn

I hated the way that she cared
The way she held on
The way she was scared
Her lingering devotion
Hands tangled in wrought
Loved the way that she wrote
Hate the way that she thought

Now, I want to be her
Again, I always will be her
The one that documents asides
Of you, in the margins of my notebook
Of your curly thick locks
As they go from midnight to cloudy
As laugh lines settle
Into our seasoned smiles
As crow's feet form
On our twinkling eyes
I'll forever write of how you bewitch me

Oh and if we were the co-authors of this dear life,
What a beautiful ballad, together, we'd write!
And if it were left onto our hands
The world could then see the depth of our plans

But it is written by a maker more clever than we
Twists and turns in the works make us hold on to see
For He knows much better than you would or I
For our wants are decided, our needs are supplied

Something inside of me broke
I didn't feel the snap
Until the reaction spread
Like a cold pack
Hit against red brick

I lost myself
Inhaling and exhaling
Rapidly increasing
Accelerating
I couldn't stop
Sobbing
Trying to recapture
Composure
Clawing at the wall
Doubled over
Wide eyed

How long it had been
Sitting there alone
Terrified that you heard me
From the other end of the phone

Trapped in a screen
You set the scene
Se-er of constellations
Dreamer of dreams

Midnight confessions
Starstruck impressions
You tell the tale
You make your digressions

Roads turn to fork
Thumbtack on cork
I fear that you'll only
Live in your work

Sometimes it doesn't feel
Like you see me
When towards you I am walking
Just a beautiful voice
Sofly talking
A brassy Charlie Brown tone
You can't pick up the phone
Double texts make it look like I'm stalking

And sometimes it feels
Like I don't exist, I have gone
When you forget that I do
My mind's sketch I have drawn
My thoughts race on and on
Hard to remember I'm wrong
That you care, I get scared
You'll forget me for long

Or even worse to me
You'll never see my true self
Treat me like an antique
Place me high on a shelf
Go on living your life
I am there without touch
Occupied space
Overlooked much

Honeyed sunshine dripped
Through my lips
Your grandeur and hands
Took a trip
"Stay with me please"
My head flipped

I think you knew

As if words could have ever
Done the trick
The sweet syrup found me
Made me sick
I'd built us up in my mind
Brick by brick

Because I want you

Years and years rolled by
Here we are
Day subsides to night
In your car
Drive me wild, it won't
Be too far

It was always you

How lucky
Are we to
Find each other
In a parade
Of strangers

It hollows my chest
It lingers, its essence
How I bleed as I am
Alone in your presence