Careena Jul 14

You make me feel
The love and the lightning
Fire in the sky
Panic and parade

Tin roof lullaby
Rain drip drop
Snare drum roll
One after another

When the thunder cracks
I go and hide
Inside myself
How can I not

I am so small
One single drop
Amongst thunderstorm

Careena Jun 29

Tender is the way I'd describe
The way his hand rested
On his new bride

And something blue and
Something white
And something new and
Something bright

It shone from both of them
When I saw it, I couldn't pretend
I wasn't happy then

Because I was, I could have been there
Being happy collectively
With her newly sworn in family

If I had wanted to be
If it had been right for me
Which it wasn't, by the way

Because happiness came with contemplation
And shame as I saw myself
In my disdain for them all at times
Sometimes unmerited
As they are people too

It shifted as I saw
How they all stood together
That behind all the ways
They drove me mad
I was not meant to be in their place

I didn't at first think of him
What we were, what it was
I only thought of how content
I was for them
And secondly, about how I knew
That him and I were not meant
To be the ones standing there
In the way that I pushed it away
When he talked
So I said maybe
In the future, years from now
I didn't know I didn't want it
But I couldn't say it
Describe the way I maybe could have seen
Being married and secretly unhappy
Splitting up maybe

I'm happy to be gone
I'm happy I've moved on
To someone I could in the future see
Holding on to me quite tenderly

Careena Jun 12

I remember meeting him quite precisely
Your grandfather: Thanksgiving of 2012
He lived alone, in a house he owned
And built, by hand, family dwelled

I heard some stories
War glories
The second one that rocked the world
Gentle and kind, he left behind
His normal life and special girl

As I approached the door, I was met
With the sweetest, loving grin
Glasses donned, he led us on
Into the house to sit with him

Inside he told me of his passed wife
And the room he kept for her
Of her artwork and clothing
Ready, if she could ever return

The night passed by like honey
Nostalgic and syrup-sweet
The kind you remember distinctly five years from then
Ones you wish to repeat

He waved us off in his way
Standing at the door
Feathering his hand back and forth
Until the house could be seen no more

I had seen him twice or so more
Until you and I parted for a time
But I always asked of him as I could
Even though I didn't think I should

I heard he gave you grief
For parting from me
At his 90th birthday party
We had something special, he could see

On Thanksgiving, five years later
You and I reconciled
And he came down for a meal,
And I was met again with his smile

I tried to see him as much
As I could because I knew
Sometimes elderly people get lonely
And I would want visitors too

Then he fell ill from the hospital
And so it commenced
The decline of his health
Months of agonizing suspense

Until this week
I drove three hundred and twenty miles
To see him before he passed
To see one of his last smiles

It happened hours after I arrived
I got to say goodbye
I told him I was there, I made it
I saw him and I cried

He could not do much, but he could hear
He could barely even see
And as I let him know I loved him
His last words were his love for me

You sobbed as he said he loved me
You could see him struggle to speak
You told me to move a bit away
As you whispered your intent of someday marrying me

He passed there with us all
Surrounded by love, covered in prayer
The doctors were amazed by our presence
That so many people were there

A day or two later we wrote of him
How can you paraphrase a full life?
Of his war time stories and his glories
Of his loving kids and wife

In the survived by part is where they wanted
To include me but did not know where
To call me a friend didn't seem fitting
For all of the love and care

So you took the computer and put me in
Where you felt like I needed to a part of
Being married was signified with parenthesis
So you wrote next to you (Someday Careena)

Careena Jun 4

It is not significant by any means
But yesterday I hurt my toe
It bled and is still sore
I almost said on the phone

And I almost disclosed
How my fitbit is precisely
Two days, three hours, and twenty seven minutes off
In time to wake me up at 4:33 am
Wednesday through Sunday
And to turn it off
I must walk
Half asleep, tripping over crumpled clothes
In the dark
And most days I must do it twice
Because it doesn't believe my feigned woken state

I almost said how I think of you
And miss being able to spend all day
Inseparable and evergreen
Sometimes I ache to think of how far
I put myself away from you
Constantly
But when I mention the aching
I am met with an "It's okay"
But it feels the opposite way

And just yesterday, as I gave it more thought
To something I forgot,
Something I had been scared to ever feel
Palpable and real
With a wide open heart, I concurred
That I could be happy anywhere in the world
If you and I were together
I forgot how I used to be
How the sheer thought of needing someone else
Has terrified me

I don't feel as alone
I almost said on the phone
I don't feel as without
I am enjoying the time by myself

These things are by no means
Things you absolutely had to know
But things I had hoped to share
I know you are busy
I know you care
But I wanted you to know
I had more to say on the phone

Careena May 26

I wish I could tell you of every
Passing thought I forgot
To write down
The ones that escape like Bobby pins
On a slick bathroom sink
Oh I wish you could know the same
Every phrase
All those days
That compiled together
Formed the rubber band ball at my center
Able to be stretched three hundred and forty seven miles
And still not snap
I wish you knew
All I thought of you

Careena May 13

I said I hadn't seen
The same love since
It promptly folded its newpaper
Picked up its hat
And departed
Path uncharted
Unsure of return or existence

I found him again
As he quietly unfolded the Sunday paper
Sipped his watered down diner coffee
Silently entered into the chambers of my heart
Same place and manner as the start

Love, to me, is an elderly man
Worn and tried
Tender and wise
With companionship
And twinkling eyes

And I know him again
How I thought myself deranged
For loving you all these years
In my heart, nothing changed

Careena May 2

The articles online talk about the girls with anxiety
And how it distorts reality
Twisty, bended, convoluted, suspended
Double, triple, quadruple thinking,
Seeing things that aren't really there.
Issues creep up, insidious with intent,
A slip knot of conscious thought,
Unable to trust things as they seem.
*Is this me saying this or my anxiety?*
Always looking back, realizing
The way you thought or something you saw
Was wrong, *all wrong*, how could it be
Perceived by you so perversely?
A reaction now deemed dramatic
When in the moment it seemed right
A chronic conception, frequent fright,
Of losing and leaving
Thoughts tangled and weaving
Wondering when you won't be as ashamed
To reveal that you think about every speck and particle
With heart bent, to a guilty extent
Just like those girls in those articles
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