Dear Ignorance,

You're everywhere; suffocating the minds of people I see and encounter every day.

Especially today in my calculus class. But this kind of ignorance hit me ******* a more personal level.

Three girls talking before class. The normal, boring stuff. I wasn't particularly listening but the next thing they said I wish never came out of their mouths.

"I could never be anorexic, I just love food too much."

Her friends giggle and agree quietly but they don't know how hard those words hit me. I know they didn't mean it to be insulting but that's exactly how I took it and for the next 60 minutes of class I replayed that sentence in my head about 100 times.

To think that people could be that ignorant about eating disorders. As if it is the people who hate food that decide it is a good idea to starve themselves.

I decided to write this letter because I want to change the way people view eating disorders. Because, if I could go back and talk to those girls I would. Not to yell at them but to educate them. To have them understand why saying something that ignorant can be hurtful to the people around them. But, I can't go back and that's why I am writing to you, whoever you may be. I don't know you or your view on eating disorders but I'd like to educate you a little from my personal experience.

I love food. I always have. Growing up I never had to worry about my weight because I had sports. But, as sports began to slowly stop as I grew up, so did the food I ate.

Now I could blame it on society's view on what beautiful is or the death of someone close in my family or even the boy who broke my heart in high school that made me decide to stop eating. Of course those were factors in my eating disorder but in reality it was my own decision. I started to gain weight fast and with that, my self confidence lowered. And as my self confidence lowered, well, so did my calorie intake.

When someone is dealing with an eating disorder that person is having DAILY arguments with their mind because they LOVE food. They WANT food. They CRAVE it.

So what stops them?

Their mind

You: "One more granola bar won't make me too fat right?"
Mind: "Are you kidding? One more granola bar and you'll pop out of your size two jeans. You don't want to go up ANOTHER size, do you?

Little does the mind know your body only consumed about 80 calories that day to begin with and you're lightheaded; so lightheaded you're afraid you'll pass out.


It was a long struggle but now, five years later, I can honestly say that I am beautiful. I can say that food does not define me. My weight does not define my beauty. I can love food and still be healthy. I can love food and still love my body. I'll admit it's hard at some points. Sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am not entirely happy with what I see but I have friends and family who love me and remind me daily how strong I am and how loved I am.

So, to the three girls in my calc class. Don't think that being anorexic is simply "not enjoying food." It's much more than that; much different than that; much more complicated than that. Everyone experiences eating disorders differently. So next time before assuming things about topics you don't know a single thing about, stay quiet and educate yourselves.

Sincerely,
A girl who loves food more than anything.

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.