It felt something like falling off your bed in the middle of the night
You just wake up not quite sure what happened.
I woke up in the hospital.
They asked me if I knew where I was and what happened to me
I said I couldn't recall exactly what happened
But I thought I had an idea.
They said you tried to **** yourself again last night your roommate found you
She called 911 said there was a lot of blood
I guess I saw that coming.
It felt sort of like a dream I told the therapist later that week...
I felt like all the stress just vanished!
I was finally at peace.
He told me life was hard and it would only get harder and asked if I would do it again?
I wasn't sure how to answer him
Honestly, I probably would.

Simplicity* was never our strong suit... We fought all the time.
It was always over the little things-- the wrong dish detergent, laundry, life?
Couples fight, sure, and love was supposed to be able to heal that but what happens when love is not enough?
What happens when your heart leans in one direction and his already flew off to the other side of the country?
Timing* was never our thing... We always fell in love at the wrong time...
It was always a battle with you -- I didn't love you enough or you didn't love me and it was exhausting..
You were so exhausting.
Because you had to have things perfect right?
Like those fairytales... Except sweetie, you're not a prince and you've lost that charm.
I'm also not a princess and I make mistakes... I make them regularly..
And so I asked you, what happens when love isn't enough to heal this heartbreak?
*You walked away.

The truth is...
I simply want to kiss you as hard
As passionate
As obscene
As I possibly can...
Just to see if there is any....
Connection.
The truth is....
I just want you to tell me
That you want to feel the same
Connection...

I fell in love with the last drop of that bottle of wine you ... It was the nicest gift you ever gave me.
I fell in love with the boy I used to date right after you stopped talking to me... Or so I told you.. Truth is I have loved him all along...
You brought me down to my lowest point but now I'm bringing myself up alone.
See he didn't love me as much as I loved him and I didn't love you like you thought I did.
All those lies you told were just a great way to show me what an ******* I really am... Thanks for that!
And it's okay now.. Because it been a year since you & I talked and it's been since July since he and I talked and I guess... I guess I was just dancing around the truth.
You both were bad news... And I let my walls break with you guys... But now I'm getting them re built with more strength than before.
I am worth more than some ****** *** and a kiss in the morning.
I am worth more than false promises of marriage and happiness.
I am worth more than my self doubt tells me I am.
I guess I just want to say thanks to you both for showing me a few things I needed to know about my self.

There are bruises surrounding my the place my heart used to be and I'm blue in the face from holding my breath.
We played hide and seek with our emotions till you caught be red handed on your bed waiting for you like I always do.... Just waiting...
Counting backwards from ten I breathed in and breathed out just to hear you say nothing at all when you should have said more.
You're leaving me and ignoring our problems like you always do and I ask why can't you just work things out like normal people do?
We lost our minds and I'm scared this is the last time we will play this game and I just can't sleep anymore.
You're hiding still from how you feel because emotions are a weakness to you but it takes more strength in a person to be honest to me...
You held my heart hostage and cut out my heart just to hear me tell you I am yours and only yours... Then you let me go so easily...
Leaving me with bruises where my heart used to be...

I like you enough
To let you
Keep talking ****
About me...
Because the funny part
Is that
I
Can't stand myself anyways.
How sad
I
Have
Become.
How terrible you just made
Yourself
Look.

I like to surround myself with beautiful people who hate themselves.
I find their beauty as they dig deep claws into tier tiny flaws pulling out only blood and tissue that create their flawless scars.
Is it shallow that I only like beautiful people?
I don't think so no.
Because who says what's beautiful and what's not beautiful?
Who I think is gorgeous and flawless you may find hideous and unattractive but that will never change my mind.
I surround myself with people I want things from... Because I think I am, myself, that hideous monster you speak of.
I see fat and disgust.
I see self hatred and lost dreams.
I see lack of motivation with no will power.
I see a lonely girl who can't find love of course because she doesn't love herself.
And yet I hear people say I'm beautiful & pretty & wonderful and I can't help but wonder....

Maybe surrounding myself with "beautiful" people is a shallow, awful thing to say....
We are all uniquely gorgeous
In one way or
Another.

He smelled like peppermint in the middle of Christmas with those frosty hands he tried to hold tightly to my body hidden under layers of old sweaters.
He handed me a cup of steaming hot coco and kissed my red frozen nose and we watched the snow fall outside our window laughing as  it fogged up when our breath touched it.
There was nothing but love in the air that morning we awoke under mistletoe and stockings were hung.
He handed me that little red box and he said
"I know what you expect but don't be sad when it's not there... this meant more to me than a simple ring"
I opened that little red box with anticipation racing through my veins... and inside was the sweetest love letter I've ever received...

Darling, you're more than the moon
you're more then the heavens above.
You're the sun that shines down in the summer day.
You're the happiness I feel when there is nothing to say.
You're the only reason I would ever cry...
and that would be the day that we die.
You're the legs to my chair, without you'd fall straight down.
And you're the emptiness I feel when you're not around...
So now I will ask what you've been dying to hear..
Will you marry me?"

With tears shining in my eyes like the ornaments on our luscious green tree... I looked over to my one and my only and nodded and said I Do.
Just as he pulled out the most beautiful ring.

Paint me the sunrise
Full of reds, pinks, and purples
Wih light clouds shaping the mountains hidden behind the rising suns glare as we drive towards the next adventure.
Yes.. Paint me a sunrise full of harmony
And watch as I fall head over heels
Beyond Madly in love
With nothing but
You.

Extra ****** olive oil was never the issue when you got back from that grocery store... You just couldn't see past the obvious.
Do you know what it's like to wake up screaming in terror?
Have you ever felt the need to just take the pain to all levels of intensities to just feel alive?
Have you ever just said... All I need is one more day to change this life... Just one more day that turned into years of self hatred?
No.. Cause I don't think you know what it's like to be full of harmful emotions like I do.
My conscience drips with self disgust that this alcohol can't hide anymore.
My wrists are full of scars I can't keep hidden with fancy blouses anymore.
My mouth is full of words that won't stay quiet, words that would chill your bones...
No.. It was never that extra ****** olive oil  you bought that day that set me off...

Old friends and broken memories
Filled with lyrics from pop punk and ******* bands.
I'm swaying in the wind with thoughts of distant lands and far away places with no one who knows me.
I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm not worried about being alone anymore.
Please forgive me in the end.

I can't catch my breath I keep yelling at the mirror about now angry I am.
Tears flow down my face like rivers in the mountains we used to hike in.
WHY I scream just tell me WHY.
PLEASE I cry please just tell me you are joking!
I am sick of the lies people tell when they can't stand the fact they know they are wrong.
I can't stop the two faces people who pretend they love me just as much.
It's getting cold and my heart is freezing over just like the ice on the road.
And hopefully I drive safe enough before I spin completely out of control.
And hopefully the ice melts fast enough before I can't feel my toes.  
Anger floods my eyes with hot quick flashes of fury I know I'm getting over you.
Pain settles in but it's all going to be okay once I stop ******* crying.

You said goodbye this morning as the dew was still on the flowers we planted outside.
I tried to see the black and white but all I saw were the shades of grey hidden in those blue eyes.
The wind danced along the tree tops and the birds sang the sad song of you leaving.
You had gold etched all over your tan skin and I remember the warmth you radiated all the time.
I was so cold.
I was so lonely.
It's funny I spent so long trying to find the simpleness in our relationship that I forgot to keep up with the challenge.
And you spent so long trying to keep me entertained you forgot why you loved me.
We were lost in the forever but we were lost alone.
We were in love with the then.... Forgetting the now.
You said goodbye this morning when the skies cried along my side

It's high tide and rising sending me signs it's once again time to escape.
I had to follow the beating muscle in my chest.
I talk a lot and I dream more than that; it makes people scared.
I don't need to rely on someone for love; but I so love love.
I am losing people I once called my friends due to their lack of faith in themselves.
I refuse to stand up for any of you any longer.
I'm taking the high roads to avoid the flooding waters below... And oh the beauty up here is grand.
As I wander, hoping to get lost soon, I see the autumn colors, the winter blues, the spring blooming, and summers dry heat.
I am on my own adventure and for once I feel the peace I've been dreaming of.
I've said out with your negativity and back in with the positivity I once felt a longtime ago.
And I ask but one thing of you...

Don't dwell on the sadness as long as I did for it will drown you before you can ask for help...

Clever words are for clever people.
I just want the ocean near me to drown my pain.
I want city sounds to drown the voices telling me to die.
I want the green trees to show me the beauty I can't find in this desert town.
Silence never comes fast enough...
My honest mouth is going to get me in trouble.

I see you at the drive through with that silly bow tie & I don't get tongue tied because I don't know you and I told everyone I think you're interestingly cute not on a *******'re so hot shallow way but unique.  I don't know you & I'm not infatuated with you I just find you interesting.
It's cold outside I can tell winter is sadly making it's way in this desert town and I have to warm my car up in the morning... What a drag.
I'm lost right now I just want to spill my guts out to some random person about my life and I hope they can make sense of how completely confused I am... I think this Is a journal entry rather than a poem.
My best friend and I aren't speaking & I got so drunk I texted the boy I'm madly in love with twice in the most pathetic fashion and woke up with a hangover and some shame and drove over to Starbucks walked inside to see the guy with that silly bowtie.

I have to get out of Reno.

When the lights go out your voice fills my ears as you whisper how much you can't stand who I've become-
You told me once I needed to get my **** together and I laughed it off because I had no idea what to say-
You told me I changed; I was no longer happy & carefree but alone and sad inside my head-
I smiled and said you were crazy then went home and cried myself to sleep with the truth inside my heart-
I had this dream you would be the one to free me from the horrors I created for myself-
I had a thought you'd help me change my ways.. Make me a better person again-
But you're just like the rest of them; judgmental and rude-
You're lies of love deep through my heavy heart and fill my head with migraines I don't need-
Your words of truth make sure I remember each flaw I have-
And those beautiful green eyes haunt my dreams when the lights go out-

I guess the truth is that I have my bags packed waiting by the door and I'm just waiting on that special someone to prove to me that I'm worth it.
They told me no one will love me until I love myself and this is probably more true that I want to believe.
I guess the truth is I'm fighting for the love I dream of at night; the love you see in the movies.
They told me I have to believe in fighting for myself before I fight for someone else... I guess I'm not selfish enough in a sense.
I guess the truth is I don't think I'll ever love myself...
I suppose no one will love me either then?

It's that time of year again when the snow falls slowly from the open sky & the cold blocks the happiness in my mind.
It's the time of year people cuddle with their partners & drink hot coco while I shiver in bed alone.
The season of joy is the most painful season for me to be alive.
It's the time when your birthday is and Christmas; when kids get gifts & lovers love.
I want to be strong this year for myself.
But it's just so cold outside as I draw in the frost on my window.
I want to let it not bother me that I know you're with someone holding her hand kissing her frozen lips smiling under the snowflakes....
It the time of year when the snow falls slowly and I'm sitting alone reading old romance novels trying to make sense of my pitiful life.

He moved far far away to another city for another life.
How could I blame him when I wanted nothing more than to do the same?
He sent me poetry and said
"I thought about you today as I sat in a garden thinking how lovely it would be to have someone lying next to me. I thought about you today"
He was a funny guy.
He was theatrical and naive.
Love didn't come to those who deserved it most.
Love went to the ones who cheated. The ones who lied. The ones who threw it away.
He was in love with the wrong girl.
He was in love with the angry aggressive girl who spoke to loud and too obscene.
He was in love with the self destructive hopeless ******* the west coast.
The girl who hid behind her camera capturing the beauty in everyone else why silently destroying herself with criticism every snap of the shutter.
**He was in love with the girl he thought he could save

Will you take a moment and turn the clock back so I can see where it all went wrong?
Will you let me in? Will I let myself in?
Will you breathe in the fresh air of the Midwest and take in the green that surrounds you for just a moment?
Will you let your heart beat slow? Will I hear your heart calling mine??
I'm asking for you to take a deep breath... And smile because even though when backs are turned we start to cry; I want you to know I love you.
I love the pieces of you you can't see.
The pieces of you you don't want to be.
The memories we shared the life we had.
The happiness along with the sad.
So if you have one minute to spare will you turn the clocks back to undo what went wrong?

Keep the fairytales to a minimum; I'm just trying to get back to reality.
I'm no Sleeping Beauty but I could be a wandering Alice just trying to get out of Wonderland. I'm no Snow White but possibly a hopeless Cinderella always dreaming of an escape from an evil family. I've never been one for princesses and princes... But I do believe in true love. There were so many winding roads leading to the love I desired I believe I've lost the way out of these stories I've been told. You see I know Prince Charming isn't waiting around the corner to save me from the monsters I've created... He's just trying to fight his own monsters and make it out alive. All I'm asking is if I make it through the woods without being eaten by any Big Bad Wolf can we keep the fairytales to a minimum?

I stand alone, sea sick, on this voyage through the firey pits of my self destructive mind.
I see the waves crashing back and fourth as I think about you and what you're doing over there on the east coast.
I see the fire rise in my chest when I remember you have my heart out there in the green fields of North Carolina.. And I wonder... Can I have that back?
You see you never did understand the concept of one and one makes two... It was more of one times one.
You never could grasp my love for you was so extreme I could barely walk talk or act when you came near.
There are nothing but grey clouds threatening to take down this ship I call My Life.
And as the ship makes it's way through the rough water treading water barely staying afloat, I start to sink... But what did you expect from a girl with anchors on her feet?
My first mate jumped **** back east and here I stand watching him paddle to shore without a wave farewell.

I woke up with this overwhelming fear
That I would die in this
****** town.

I cried myself to sleep praying to a god I don't believe in that I would
Escape
This
Town before I became one
With it's *****
Rotten
Ground.

Last night I wanted to scream at anyone
Anything about everything
About how I just had to find a way
A hope
A plan
To get myself in a better place
As fast
As soon
As painlessly
As I could.

With tears falling down my face I woke up
With an overwhelming fear
That I would never get out of this
Town.

Her lips red like cherries
tasting slightly of dried blood.

Drift with me like foam on the open sea.
Follow me through mystic woods where animals flee.
Love with me like the sun loves the moon.
Sleep with me from midnight to noon.
Vagabonds and gypsies let's make this life count for something!
We are the golden ones who stand for nothing.
Sway with me in the open wind near the bonfires made of laughter and secrets.
Breathe with me as we watch sunsets that help us forget the regrets.,
We are the dawns fading into daylight.
We see the fallen ones searching for dreams in times of spite.

Chaos brewed in my heart with each sip of that sweet, sweet poison.
When I'm sober I feel pain.
Tragedy fell in love with the Sinner across the room he led her straight to hell with one breath of cancerous smoke.
When I'm sober I feel...
Hope will lead me to my demise and I'll fall head first into the darkness surrounding his heart.
When I'm sober...
Blurry vision an slurred words he took my hand lead me down the rabbit hole laughing through the dark tunnels.
When I'm...
Tears running down her face Tragedy waited for her Sinner to come back to stop the sobering pain she started to feel...
When...

I haven't slept in a week.
Coffee and nicotine are the only things keeping me semi focused at work.
and staring at this computer screen typing the same stuff over and over again
I keep shuffling through my work folders only to find.
hidden photos from our trip that make me remember...
I haven't smiled like that since I got home.

I want to lie in fields of daisies with you staring at shooting stars that pass us by. I want to talk about Jupiter's moons and Saturn's rings like we know what we are talking about. I want to sit on top of sky scrapers counting all the red cars that pass us by. I want to travel to distant lands with foreign languages and be people we aren't just for a little while. I want to make the best romance novels jealous of our love and passion. I want to make the moon jealous of the sun and the rain jealous of the clouds. I want them to build statues of us and tell stories to children to let them know a love like this existed.  I want to kiss your eyes shut and hold your hand while I listen to you sleep next to me. But more than anything else I want to love you & you love me to infinity & beyond.