Awkward side glances we tried so hard to never make eye contact it was almost as though we knew this would happen.
You asked was this pity on you?
I said never.
You said I could never love you.
I said forever.
You had dead eyes the night before I moved away-- more like ran away.
You asked what happened to you & I?
I said nothing great..
You said you never meant to make me cry..
I said it was already to late.
Awkward goodbyes and romance that faded too fast it was almost as though we knew this would happen..

Watching shadows dance across the room I want to tell you I'm angry with you but for some reason my mouth is silenced for once. The past comes and goes in flashes that tell me there was always something wrong from the start... and my hands wont stop shaking. You let the rain wash our love away and you let the snow freeze the love in your heart. You let the summer disappear with the changing of the seasons and I have never understood completely why it was called Fall until you came around and left me on the ground. Intoxicated by the alcohol that's thinning my blood and killing my liver I drowned you in expensive liquor. I let the trees change and the snow fall because what was I supposed to do.. beg you to come back?

                               I was never that type of girl.

Blue waves crash around us; you left me floating alone.

I like the rush of a first date.
The hyperventilating before you decide there is no way you can eat because **** if you puke before you get a kiss from this guy.
The running around like a chicken without a head trying to find that cute dress you know you bought last week ******!
The failure of getting your makeup just right instead getting it all over your **** face and hands and sink and clothes... then having to change again.
The waiting by the door or on the couch in your room unable to think of anything to talk about and wondering what time in the night you'll make an *** of yourself.
Or the moment he knocks on the door and you take one last breath before answering and having the most ridiculous grin on your face just to see he has the same stupid smile and sweat on his forehead knowing he probably went through the same **** you did.

We were so high the night we decided to not give one flying ****... because in all honestly how does a **** fly?
It was magical the way were so carefree & wild that night... because there shouldn't be a care if you're free and wild!
We held hands and ran through the sprinklers soaking wet and freezing.... we didn't stop laughing though we just danced in the water.
I remember the way you looked when you looked up at the moon.. it was so innocent.. and I loved you so much more than I ever had... but I couldn't tell you.
I didn't want to tell you not in that moment... not then.

You said "Lets be Wild Flowers"
I said "Is that our new band name?"
You laughed and kissed me... and I couldn't breathe... you had never kissed me.
You said "Lets fall madly in love..."
I said "I already have..."

& we kissed again and danced under the moonlight as if we were wild flowers swaying in the night.

I walked and walked and walked until my feet were bruised and swollen and bleeding.
I cried that day... all ******* day... and I didn't care one bit who saw me.
I ran that night, on my bruised, swollen, and bleeding feet, I just wanted to feel the pain.
I wanted anything and everything to hurt on my body to make me forget what you did.
I washed the pain away with whiskey and gin-- because I knew it would make sick.
I smoked the whole day-- Just because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke.

Yesterday I felt the pain in my body... the pain I had felt for so long in my heart.
And yesterday I saw you kiss her when you had told me you loved me.
Yesterday I watched you pack your ****... my eyes burning holes into your perfect back.
And yesterday I broke the window of her car, glass shattered across her face, and I felt no shame when she cried or you yelled.
And yesterday I walked and walked and walked until my feet were bruised and swollen and bleeding because I just wanted you to know I can feel pain too.

It was almost cannibalistic the way I wanted to rip your clothes off and lick you from head to toe.
It was almost sadistic the way you smiled at me as you let me unbutton each button on that red flannel shirt I just can't resist.
It was almost humorous the way you grabbed my hair and slowly but roughly lifted me from my knees... Lips pressing hard against mine.
                                                                        Face Flushed.
                                                                      Hot and Sweaty.
                                               Gasping for Breaths; begging for one more kiss.

It was almost troublesome how I just stopped giving a **** and let you do what you wanted... I wanted to be used and abused.
There was something wrong in the way I couldn't say no that night.. but they way you moved your body... It was fascinating.
                                                                   You're my obsession.
                                                               You're my complication.
                                         You have me completely enamored with everything you do.

It was almost depressing the way you just walked away and left me on the ground.. naked and vulnerable.
It was almost demanding the way I felt the urge to get up and beg you to stay one more night.
It was almost pathetic the way I kept letting this happen every other week...

                                                                   You're an *******.
                                                     I hope you had a really great time.

You were brutally honest and assertive as well as terribly rude.. and yet I loved it.
I loved how you never admitted you were wrong and just went with it like nothing had happened... It was kind of cute for a while.
I think back to the days of learning each other inside and out... the way our bodies connected was anything but innocent.
You had green eyes and sandy blonde hair that was wavy when you let it grow out.
You had such a way of walking with your head held high it was almost a turn on the way your confidence shown through.
But it was all a lie. You are the most perfect liar.
You were hiding behind those demons you so enthusiastically put me down for having myself.
You were hiding behind self pity that you constantly reminded me of in myself.
You couldn't admit you were wrong because you are a coward. I told you I felt like this was a game... you were so angry that night because I had finally stood up to you.
I told you I wouldn't do this again until you committed... and you sat there staring at the wall fuming... but never said one word... and you watched me walk out the door.
I left. I went home and I cried for hours and yet you never called.
I build those walls back up just to make myself stronger for the moment... and I went one with life.
I saw you a year later.. you looked so confident still... except to me.
I saw the fear in your eyes when you caught my glance.
I saw you catch your breath finally, secretively, admitting you were wrong.
And I smiled... I smiled at walked away...and I knew...

I knew I had finally won.

She said "Black on Black is what makes it so much easier to pretend I just don't care"
I told her I had no idea what she meant... She laughed.
She painted her lips with blood red lipstick and inched her skinny legs into dark black fishnet stockings.
She wore nothing less than 10" heels and could walk elegantly in them as well.
She said "Black on Black makes me forget the job I have to do... It makes it easier to blend in."
I told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to... She smiled.
Black laced underwear and a padded bra with long black hair and make-up for days.
She said " Black on Black... whenever you're sad remember that Black can hide almost anything you want it to." And then she left.
I wanted to tell her I loved her & she would always be my sister no matter what she chose to do.
That night she went out.. doing her job like she always does except she didn't come home.
And just like the night sky... she faded into that black on black...

I have this thing about people's imperfections.
I love the crooked smiles and the dreamy eyes. I love the way people stare or ask obscene questions randomly. I love the beauty in scars and the tales they hold beneath them.
This is for the Dreamers who never die.
For the Winners who never win.
And the Losers who always succeed in the end.
I love the loose laughter you hear in the rebellious voice of the youth.
Or the way my elders grin when I tell them I wont live past 25 knowing they felt the same way when they were my age.
this is for the kids who **** at sports.
the kids who make art look powerful.
And for the people who never ever gave up even when the world wanted to see them fall.

I have so many imperfections.

You're face was prickly like pine needles and you smelled like the smoke from the burnt out fire we had next to us in those quiet woods.
You had deep dark brown eyes that would stare me down hard in the morning... and oh how I wanted nothing more than to ravage you on sight.
Lust was in the air that morning and nothing more.
"Have you ever wanted something so much it made it hard to breathe?" you whispered in my ear.. lips slightly touching skin.
"Yes" I said with such authority and kissed you more passionately than ever before.
You're hair was tussled and brown like the dirt we laid our soft blanket upon that morning.
You had this smile brighter than a full moon in the night sky and more soothing that the crickets chirping in the morning air.
Love was in the air that morning and nothing more.

I knew this girl who lived by the sea up somewhere in Oregon... never could I remember the **** city.
She used to write me letters... she would tell me all about her life there, about the nature around her and the way the trees would speak to her during the rain storms... I always said she was born in the wrong era.
She was beautiful this girl... Blonde hair to her waist, bright green eyes that seemed to glow in the dark... she was spunky too always had to argue with someone about something. We had been best friends for years and I loved her like family.. but people
She used to tell me how she quit smoking years back... She just didn't feel the need to anymore after living by the sea... but she said she would go on her porch holding a stick pretending to smoke just to remember how it felt to be sad... I always thought that was the craziest thing I had ever heard until I did the same thing one day.

I knew this girl she lived by the Sea somewhere in Oregon... I always wish  I could remember the city. She killed herself last week.. Jumped off a bridge into that blue ocean.
I was told it was a cloudy day and she wore a long skirt and flowers in her hair... she was stunning I was told... She called that day, left me a message on my phone, I was working couldn't answer you know the usual ******* excuses we give.

I knew this girl... and everyday I wish I still knew her...

I'm trading in sleep for long nights of Midori Sours and New Found Glory blasting through the speakers in my room.
I'm trading in time with friends for solitude and The Wonder Years telling me to become a pirate for the **** of it.
I spend more time drinking away the pain and listening to Pop Punk then I do trying to better myself.
I tell myself to get the **** out of bed but then Blink-182 reminds me of you and I go down another beer.
As The Sweller's told me last night "I wish you could see inside my head..." but you don't actually give a **** anymore.
I'm pretty sure if I took the time to get out of bed and go make something of my life again you would come back... but I'm feeling self pity and I'll stick to my Pop Punk Remedies for now.