I can think of so many ways to ask you to stay. I feel like I’ve already emptied out my mason jar of them to the half-way mark. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what anything means. I just know that you’ll never feel for me the way I feel for you. I know that you will find someone that will love you in every way you need, and I know that person may not be me. If I said the idea of that made me happy, I’d be lying. I can’t be the ever-positive ex, I can’t promise you that someone else can know the right moments to touch your back. I can’t promise you that someone else will force you to open up to them when you’re upset. I can’t promise you that they’ll be able to hold your weeping head to their chest and they’ll feel the heartbreak I did every time you cried. I can’t even promise you that you’ll wake up holding another girls hand and it feel the way it felt for me. I can only promise you things I know. I promise you that every time you hear a song off of take this to your grave you’ll remember the night we all sang those songs drunk and in love with the worst and best of each other. I promise you that when you read these things you won’t look back at them and they probably won’t really even phase you. I promise you that you’ll always do your best to get to Moe’s on Mondays for your burrito that you won’t most always don't finish. I promise you that you’ll always have the best taste in whiskey, and you will always love the playlists I make. I promise you that the sun will rise every morning just for you, and you will smoke a cigarette to welcome it. I promise you that you will wear a striped shirt at least six out of seven days of the week, and blue jeans five out of seven. I promise you that you will have a soft hum of my voice in the back of your head every time you buy a new pack of marlboro smooths, better yet I promise that you’ll never buy the 100’s because of that. I can promise you all of those things, I can promise you myself.

I have written a text to you seven times, maybe it’s more like a fully fragmented novel consisting of over one thousand letters. Not one time did I beg for you back, I just begged you to remember the times I held you instead of you holding me. I asked you to scroll back through the times I beckoned you to me, the times I tied your shoe strings together to have you fall for me. I always wanted you to stay warm for me. You pulled away from my heart from the very beginning and out of all of that I just wanted you to feel less alone at night. I wanted you to strip your skin dry of its heavy self-consciousness and kiss the freckles that covered you inch by inch. Because I couldn’t do those things this far away. My scent never lingered where you were for very long, I knew that. But I didn’t want to change it, I didn’t spritz the air with my trademarks, I didn’t want you to realize I was gone. Sometimes that really worked, but it never worked for me. You’re even further now, it happens constantly with us. But us having a constant? That’s the most beautiful thing, and I’m keeping with it.

I am head over heels over knees over hands, I just keep falling farther and deeper. It's the ultimate free fall and I can't imagine anything without including you. You've arrested every thought. I feel like I've been blind my whole life and am finally able to see. You're technicolor. You're eyes carry lightening, I feel it enter through mine and extend through me and out my fingers and toes. I feel like I'm so high there shouldn't be air up here to breathe, but it's the easiest I've ever been able to inhale and exhale. I love you so much that it hurts my head. I can't wrap my brain around how it's even possible. I can't imagine ever being short or grumpy or even a little cross with you. I want to be nothing but kind and loving and patient towards you. I want to serve you. I want to make you feel good. I want to touch you always. I want to write you. I want to sing you. I want to be totally enveloped in you and I have zero fear behind it; it's literally as simple as needing another breath of air in my lungs.


I am in love with you. It feels better than I ever could have imagined it. I am so thankful to your parents for creating you. Your words roll through me like ******* thunder and I'm not scared. You're the best feeling I've ever known. It's only you. I couldn't imagine sharing myself with another person in this world. I will never treat you the way I've treated anyone else in my life. I have never felt this magnetism. I've never wanted someone to take ahold of me as much as I want you to. I will prove myself to you every hour of every day. My life surrounds this feeling, you run through me beautifully. I've known you were the one from the moment our eyes locked and you smiled at me the first day of the best year of my life.

there is nothing worse than polaroiding every thing that will remind me of you. how empty green fields open my eyes to fantasies that used to be plans, my thoughts screeching in the background, don’t put your arm around me on your front porch, your living room couch

somewhere there is a script for every past love, psychiatrist’s legal pads filled with paragraphs of repeated sentences and ticks (where I just can’t stop touching my fingertips) because I’d rather be touching you

it takes more than a hopeless romantic to save someone who isn’t stable, whose emotions can make the worst of them, they need someone who can hold them down and scream that they’re worth more than a golden ticket, they’re prettier than the brightest tulips, he can’t hurt you anymore, but you weren’t that, if I was in pain you closed your eyes

cover your walls with your poems in times new roman on printer paper and feel better about yourself, cause you can glance over and read that you are better than the lowest moments and the 12 donettes you just ate that you don't even like

and you can listen to really ******* sad country music and be okay with that because you are creating a ******* masterpiece of the words that made you feel worth something

you are the only one who can actually reassure you; you are the only one you can rely on, and you can't ever forget, you can't make homes out of people

because people don't come fully furnished and with a built-in security system, it takes a lot of work to finally fill every empty nook in another person, and sometimes your things are still in the boxes you packed them in months ago, but you always say you'll get around to unpacking it, you don't

you left those things in that cardboard because you ******* knew

you knew that you wouldn't get your security deposit back, you knew that it would be one less box you'd have to search for in a publix dumpster, but the worst part about that one less box is that it was a storage place for where you put yourself when you met her

and she left you in that corner, she didn't want you to fill her every nook and cranny, she didn't need your security system or your ******* poems on her walls, and she definitely didn't ******* need you, but you're better than the box she left you in, baby I am better than that ******* box you forever left me in

How do you move on from something like what we had? Words are flowing out of me like I’ve been taken over by an erupting volcano. I’ve thought of you every day for months, I’ve imagined my future so much differently with your light shining on it. You’ve taken me higher than anyone, you’ve made me feel when I was unconscious, completely left astray by the world.

I can do nothing less than thank you, love you, hopelessly adore who you once were. Your hands touched me with such exposing force, I knew exactly who you were and what you felt. I’ve known you like a ship and its sailor for almost half a year and it has been so beautiful. Your love has caused me to recognize growth and appreciate being constant. As of now, I’m lost and terrified of every second I have to brave. But I know it will get better, as it always does. What I’m going through is just a footnote, and I am a changed person because of what we had. Thank you.

before I understood what constituted as love I understood that there was a hole in my upper arteries where your fingerprints laced my vessels and scraped the blood clean from my veins

I knew what you had taken, and that was the entirety of loss, you caused a high that pressured me down to a flat-lined level; you'd broken no falls, dealt no hands, glued back no ties

that's why I always knew when it was you pathetically knocking at my door, you, waiting to break me down again and that's a satisfaction you will never see, goodnight to you
goodnight from me