You have always been unexpected
Friendship, love the whole lot of it
Leaving you was painful freedom
Still missing you, but I know I can rely on you.
I thought we were on the same page,
I’d have your back always
No matter the passed time.
But I’ve recently learned, so painfully learned- that you don’t have mine.
I used to think you could never surprise me but I never saw this coming
I used to think we’d always respect each other

I guess everything has to change
Things I thought were forever are slipping away
My time is up, my secrets are out
I couldn’t believe they came from your mouth
I thought with everything changing
Our trust would stay the same

I expect the worst from those around me
So the sins against me never surprise me
But with you it was different
I thought you were here to stick
I told you things I’ve never told anyone
You were the closest person to my heart
Loyalty meant so much to you
You know it meant the same to me
I used to think you could never surprise me but I never saw this coming
I used to think we’d always respect each other

But I guess everything has to change
People who I thought were forever are turning away
Safety no more, my secrets are out
I couldn’t believe they came from your mouth
I thought with everything changing
Our trust would stay the same

You’ve outed me to my enemies
In a foolish slip of tongue or with malicious intent,
so unlike you.
Now enemies they circle me and those close to me
Seeking out a weakness which I only let you see.
It was only meant for you and me.


Coming together while I was black and blue
I thought I’d be forever safe with you
I was never once afraid of you

Little did I know you were another wolf dressed in gold,
Summer only as lovers, you’ve brought the winter cold,
You’ve done the only thing that could ever truly **** me.
What have you done to me.

Lucky for you
I take your secrets
Undeservedly
To the grave with me,
Stay away from me
Don’t even lay sunflowers for me.

I wish that I could take it all back
Every secret I shared with you
Every loyalty every memory every vulnerability
Tears running down my cheeks
Sharing breaths under the sheets
Wish I knew in less than a year you couldn’t care
if you betrayed me
if you ruined me
Like only you could hurt me.

You’ve wounded me
You’ve burned me
Beyond repair

Shifting landscapes of us
I am yet to get used to.

How many times have I wandered between
The many “what ifs” and “if onlys” and “I wish’s.”
How many times have I actively slapped my very own hand
When it invariably reaches for you.

The reaching is a selfish hungry thing.
I crave you when I am disappearing.
Even though I loathe how I define myself when I’m with you,
She is better than the unknown
That is chasing and gaping at my heels.

And that isn’t love.

Thirsting after comfort and memories
Thirsting after somewhere to belong
Is not love.

It is hard to admit
It is hard to choose to walk away
Every
Hour
We
Are
Apart.

And that craving
Of how you made me feel
The warmth
The connection
The love
A love I have never seen nor tasted before
A love I did not know how to treat
Is always being denied

And cruel suggestions
And those closest to me doubt my choices
Like they would have any part in the consequences of the choice
I would live with everyday.

I don’t even entertain the white day anymore
I used to spend hours building our life
Stacking our goals into the shapes of home
The mansions in my mind
Were never here to stay

Do I seek a grass of an unattainable green?

I lay in the dark, many hours after we ended the call.
I will myself to cry.
The pain boils in my chest and aches in my bones.
But I lay in silence, trapped.
Are we not even worth tears anymore?
Is this when the grieving stops?

I fear seeing you now.
Because I am half bloomed.
The branches we grew on and nurtured
Are drying and snapping away in the breeze
I fear you will not like me
If you see the stranger I am now
Foreign and thorny to the touch.
Will you still think me pretty?
Will you still want to touch me?

No matter how close I get to the edge
To giving in and sprinting back to you
To beg on my knees for your forgiveness
To ask you to help us bring back the love,
No matter what
I can not reconcile and justify
The hatred I held
For who I became when we loved.
Loathesome and breaking
Hair knotted against my scalp
My angles softened and blurred
Till I became more invisible to the world
Than I have ever been.
We stopped the world on its axis
Our minds grew old
Our bodies ceased their progress
And only came alive when we set each other alight.
No,
I can never return to a halting.
Dust is preferable to ice.
Frozen and still
To the death.

I am wind and rain
I must move to live
And life rises in my gusts.
The waves of creation
Roll across new paths
For I am alive again
Wind snapping in the sails
Rising on the seas
I soar to new skies.

The missing comes
The loss never leaves
Maybe I’ll always want you
But you’ll never be good
For me.

“Will you crush my spirit someday?”
It was almost a joke
When the fear was shared.

Now
Lying in bed
Day shifting to night
Unable to rise
Defeated

The truth
I let you become
The hand
That felled me

You look me in the eyes and ask why not
But I wonder why

You ask me how I know,
But I wonder why I wouldn't.

You ask me why I'm me
I wonder why I wouldn't be.

I try to write about you
Try to sing like I used to
Rattling breath
Wheezing and violent
The defeated silence

I lost my voice
Somewhere along the way
I stopped being everything
You insist you love

But are you just in love
With set paths
Predictable roads
Are you just in love
With not being alone

Deep down I think you suffer like me
There’s voices whispering
Telling you you will never be loved
And this is your last chance too

I tried to sing
I thought pulling out
What my old voice wrote
Would remind me what I sound like

But instead I’m in silent tears
Note after note
Verse after verse
Black and white it’s written
Obvious

I’ll tell you about my last songs
The last true voice I ever had
I sung our fears
I sung my truth

It’s so cliche
To say im broken
But the evidence is too damning
We’ve always been doomed

I sing about a last great defeat
Blades that ran me through
I sung about a soul tearing
A destruction of self

I cannot be in love
My missing pieces have not grown back
Fires ravaged the forest I grew
After evil hands tore them up
Right to the roots

Black black black
Loss loss loss

I guess I never really moved forward
The memories are fleeting
If they ever come up
I have forgotten the details

But the belief
The shattering
The robbing of self
Has come with me all this time

The labels given to me
I wear as a crown
Of metal and debris
Announcing to all
I am
Beautiful
Tragic
Lost

Thank you.

For the support, the positivity and encouragement.
We all know how powerful
Words can be.
And you’ve made such a difference to me with yours.

I hope I can pay it forward
And give someone
The same love you gave me.

Thank you, always

—WindLass