I have heard stories of who slept with who from being a band nerd.
I know who had conflicts with who because of my sensitive ears.
People in school fought for seats in honor band. Flutes and clarinets mostly. Most of them were spoiled rich kids who wanted a specific seat so they can look good on college transcripts. I don't blame them. Student Government is worth the determination, just lead.
                                        College is fun and a lot
                                           Of hard work. School
                                           may be for opportunistic
                                           smart ***** but as I learned
                                           high school to college.
                                           Intelligence may be one thing but cunning abilities come with a price. I was never popular so I don't know the cost. Knowing people from being an empath have perks unlike knowing people from following trends. I never followed the crowds, it seemed pointless and I was right. I was invited to the popular table several times but I never felt safe and loved by them. I guess they wanted my presence to represent my tribe but I will never betray them to the sharks. What is discussed at the nerd table stays there. I won't reveal other people's secrets because it's not my place. Integrity get you places. Creating an honor code between best friends even if it's unspoken is worth it. Volunteering work actually looks good on a resume. If you are a good person having morals will be worth being made fun of in school. Wearing glasses is worth being able to read things. Being a nerd is like being a limited edition book, everyone wants it but it's expensive to get.
We nerds enjoy quality time together and will make each other laugh genuinely until our stomachs hurt. Like any other human we just want to people make us feel less lonely.

Yes, I have been to hell and back several times but I am Still Me.
Yes, I have had multiple emotional and mental meltdowns over the many years I have been alive but I am Still Me.
Yes, I have chosen my path of being tender hearted, passionate and relentless. I won't let the world destroy who I am for the sake of external sanity so **** the status quote! I am Still Me.
Yes, I have had awful days due to my anxiety and depression because caring too much and have my entire body ache in a dull agony don't mix well. There was one day in high school I took two ibuprofens instead of one to make forget my heartache from grieving over losing my best friend. It made me forget my heartache for a whole day but I don't remember the school day. I am Still Me.
Yes, people think I am weird for wanting to write instead of something practical. People many times have stared at me like I was crazy including my own family. I tend to stare back and smile as though their distress for my rebellious nature is my award. I am Still Me.
Yes, I have been called an enigma before by my older sister and weird by my peers, I take it as a compliment. I prove people wrong for a living. So take your boxes and stuff them up your *** because I will leave your head spinning. If you are judgmental about people then I hate you because I bet that stick in your *** covers all of the blood you taste in your mouth, being narrow minded doesn't make you better than anyone. I am Still Me.

I am the odd ball of my family. All of my family are social butterflies then there is me. The bisexual writer. There I said it. The thing about me from elementary school to middle school I wanted to fit in but still be me. That didn't happen, it's either or. I chose forging my own path than becoming what everyone else was. My siblings were popular. I was just the weird, quiet kid who want to write anything important to me. The guys I dated were science nerds. Go figure. They didn't have a sense of humor and were emotionally abusive. That's one of my secrets. I won't reveal all of them because I am not stupid.
If being outspoken makes me crazy, ***** it.
I have all of my high school friends on my phone.

Okay so my poetry is my journal. I hope you think it's worth the time. When I say you it's either the audience or someone I won't name. I have always known that I was insane since I was in middle school.
You Have No Idea, if you do then congrats to you.
You Have No Idea, my anxiety and depression can get so bad it feels like being torn in two.
You Have No Idea, my bipolar disorder goes through all of my emotions draining me of my summer tan to a pale tone.
You Have No Idea, I am a high functioning sociopath just no one will say it out loud, I have a heart and a mind, I notice things other people don't.
You Have No Idea, look me in the eyes, see I am human too.

The memories of you and I are bittersweet. When we messaged each other 2 years ago. Your messages made my heart skip a beat. Then we started Snapchatting each other. I noticed you friended me on Facebook, 3 years ago. When I first met you I thought your personality was abstractive but you were just so interesting, so beautiful. We were talking about superheroes. We were in Student Government Association group interview. Everyone else lost words to speak. We kept glancing over at each other. You wore a black dress and I wore a dressy shirt along with dress pants. We talked before that interview. After that I saw you at college. I guess our personalities blended well. My sweet, mild mannered personality with your I-own-the-place personality, we were a good team. I was a lone wolf who happened to know your friends. If you are reading these poems you know where to find me.

If you know me then great. If you don't then welcome to my life.
I am a band nerd. No surprise there. Music is what makes me better creatively. It helps me think. Ever heard of Mozart, or Bach? I love them. I know it's classical. Ever heard of The Fray, or Paramore? They are punk rock. Huge difference between genres. Duh, use your ears.
Octaves and dynamics are fun to play with. Changing keys is a *****.
Music is Medicine! It's scientifically proven to improve mood and memory. I hate stereotypes, imagine me being the rebel to ***** with people's minds. That's better. I can either be your morning sun or your holy fire. Either way, you can get burnt if you have too much of me. No I am not always a superhero. I am a rebel. I get to make up my own rules, I follow them. If you ask about my rules expect them to change each day.

Gandhi once said, "Eye for an eye and the world goes blind." ,and someone once said, "War is what happens when language fails."
There are so many perspectives in the world. So many cultures.
Love is a feeling and an act of selflessness. Then Hatred is a burning rage and an act of one's intention.
The Line Between Love and Hatred is thin and almost invisible.
If "Love is blind" and "Hatred is evil" then whose fault is it?
The thing is no one really knows. Love is an understanding of heart and soul between two people. In break ups between couples, hatred blossoms.
In fall outs between friends, hatred gradually happens. There is a beginning and an end to everything. Marriage vows is for an endless love. Divorce is a dispute of hatred. Ask them both maybe you will get the right story. You can't have a story without two perspectives at least that what I learned from English classes on critical thinking from reading two different articles from two different sources.
I know life is hard, hell I have mental illnesses. My question to you is: Is your hatred worth destroying lives, friendships, relationships and spilling blood?

I know movies start off with a quirky girl. Otherwise known as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl Trope. Not all weirdoes are like that. We weirdoes come in all shapes, sizes, personalities and colors. Guys can be weirdoes too. I know so. This isn't about fixing a boring ***, depressive guy who can't get his **** together. This is about Hollywood wanting to objectify a person with dyed pink or blue hair to make a romantic narrative. This is about calling out Hollywood on it's abusive romantic narratives. You can't follow someone around forever like a puppy with a tight leash; that's called stalking.
You can't quilt someone to love you; that's called emotional abuse.
You can't force someone to kiss you; that's called ****** assault.
You can't act like someone else by stealing their life; that's called identity fraud. You can't lie on your resume; that's called lying. These are the plot holes Hollywood forget. Do better Hollywood.
The ****** Always Cares! Unless you objectify them you are in for a rude awakening.

Yes I am a paradox. I am a writing and music nerd. In my mind I have records of drama from middle school and high school. I act like I am not listening to other people's conflicts with each other when I really am seeing what happened. Gossip and Rumors News back in those days were numerous. I have an instinct to fix situations. Yes my mood swings have caused drama several times in my life. I can't help the fact that I am passionate. I was the private journalist of my middle and high school days. No I never joined the yearbook.
That seemed too easy. I have always enjoyed working hard for my spot in society.
Here is the Thing About Conflict, I don't care whether I caused the affect of a situation as long as fix it before it become a problem. Sometimes I am a drama queen, other times I am the most mild mannered ****** you will ever meet. I can promise that my inner conflicts are my issue not yours. I won't ask for help until I know I need it. I am notoriously stubborn and strong headed you can ask my friends. This is my new chapter that I get to write not anyone else get to write my story. My story is what you expect of a person: worth reading.
Here is the Thing About Conflict, my anxiety knocks me out when it's mine. My depression will throw me into an ocean of my own thoughts when it's my conflict. So when I ask for help, just know I need it.

We were friends in SGA because I was the vice president of Writer's Guild. I fell for you the Beautiful Secretary. You had my heart with your harsh personality and those blue eyes. You made me feel normal. I have never once felt normal a day in my life. We went to the small group in college. I went insane then you forgave me.  You Snapchatted me saying, "Brandi, take me back!" I couldn't take you back then because I didn't feel worthy of you. I know it's been 2 years but I am better mentally now. I can promise you will never be bored I have mood swings due to my bipolar disorder. I know your friends thought we were dating and it made you uncomfortable. You are worth giving this white flag to. I had a war with my myself. I am sorry you got in the middle of it. So Beautiful Secretary I know as a Crazy Writer I can't rewrite the past, those chapters are there for a reason.
The Fall of Chaos was something I never saw coming.
The Witch Trial is done and over with. Will you give this Crazy Writer another chance? I still miss you Beautiful Secretary!

Mental Illness is like taking poison everyday.
Some days you have to wait for the full, severe affect for it destroy your body.
Other days there is an antidote to the poison on standby so there is nothing to worry about.
Then there is the gray areas of the poison and the antidote where the use of either are basic human nature.

Old, wise it stands
taking on the winter
adamantly with courage.
Brown and scarred on each limb enduring
winter's vigorous attacks.
Breath by Breath
faithfully holding onto the ground with strong, fierce roots
ever in peace hoping the cold winds don't come again.
That's a ridiculous thought the cold winds never cease to come back only for a moment the Earth stands still free of the cold, but the cold winds come back defiantly every time bringing winter storms along with it's brisk attitude. The tree may transcend the winter, but it still remembers all damage the winter ensues as spring enters in all it's warmth, and future growth to the tree's scorned figure.

From the distance
You see a stoic figure. I can be but I am not always. Close the distance. When you get closer you will find someone who will love you for all your imperfections. Close the distance. You will find someone who will miss you beyond space and time. Distance of insecurities beckons to fear of one another. Distance of minds divides an entire country. So close the distance.