Sometimes,
I wonder how anyone is going to
Be able to love me
When I don’t even love myself.
How can anyone look past my
Flaws when I cannot
And see the beauty behind it all?
Can someone stay even if
I am trying to keep them
Away?
Would they even want to?
Who would hold me,
Even when I am
Trying to
Break free from their grasp
And runaway?
Sometimes,
I wonder if anyone would be willing to
Break down my walls
And still
Love me anyway…

Mind over matter
so they say
but the mind is fickle
unclear and ever changing
while matter cannot be destroyed or created
controlling matter
an un-diminishable force
is simply impossible

I miss your presence hanging over me
constantly.
I fear your absence.
I fear you.
I don't deserve your love.
Every day I wake up,
I am reminded of that.
Can I do right long enough that it doesn't become a cycle?
A cycle of me doing your will and then slipping back into sin only to surrender and do it all over again.
How foolish would it be if I asked to be perfect.
If I was perfect,
Perhaps I would do right-
All the time.
I wouldn't have to worry,
And neither would you.
I am exhausted from my constant persistence in wanting half of you and half of this life.
That frightens me.
You said,
you will spit out all who are
Lukewarm.
So often do I
Command you to turn around as I sin,
so that you won't see my wrongdoings.
I am afraid that one day,
As I command you again
You will turn your back forever.
Forgive me,
I give myself to you.
I want to feel meaning again.
I want to be happy.
I want to live for something full of worth.
I want to live for you, God.
Why has it become so hard for me to stick to this?
Mold me.
Show me all of the reasons why I should give all of myself to you.
Show me all of the reasons why this sin-bound world can't even own up to half of who you are.
Fill me up with your abundance.
So that others can see,
That although you can't be seen and not always heard,
Your power
And your love is so captivating and significant.
Once it is felt, it is so difficult to ignore.

I will never comprehend how someone discovers an abundance of energy through speaking maliciously about other people,
most they don't even know
personally.
I sit and allow the words to fly by my ears,
dodging them,
in hopes that they will not stick.
In hopes that I will not turn into them.
I know I've been the sweet taste in their mouth that they couldn't get rid of at one point.
Although that gives me an unsettling feeling,
I do not care.
But I feel for those who have an infinite place in their mouths.
It saddens me to know,
They are never there.
They are never there to hear the antagonistic words that are being spoken against them.
They are never there to defend themselves.
They are never there to fight back
and
learn a form of control that keeps them from stooping down to where those people swim around
like sharks,
below-sea level.
When will they find vacancy in speaking anything other positive  words that give life,
not death.

There is a legend
A myth
That says
Once, a very long time ago
People-
Humans-
Had four arms,
Four legs,
Two heads
And one heart.
People-
Humans-
Were powerful.
Powerful enough to scare almighty
Zeus.
So he split the people-
Humans-
Into separate beings
With two arms,
Two legs,
One head,
But only half a heart.
Sentencing the people-
Humans-
To spend their lives hunting
And searching
And feeling... unwhole.

Every once in a
Very long while,
A person-
A human-
Is lucky enough to
Find their other
Two arms,
Two legs,
Head,
And half of their heart.
Darling
I think that maybe
We
Are some of the lucky few
Who are whole again
Strong again
And powerful.
Powerful enough to
Scare the
Gods
With our
Four arms,
Four legs,
Two heads
And a heart
That is ours to
Share.

I've listen and said nothing
I've talked and said less
I've screamed and didn't cry..