I keep finding myself lost in my mind
wondering what happens after
all this.
Do we just sleep
like an endless ocean of night time?
And does anyone know
that I'm scared of the dark?

Inside of all of us
there is something
something not much at all
that makes us go on
                                                            To the dreams that make us feel
                                                                             and so on
                                                                                           into deep dreams I go.

Sleep
Pull me

Back into the waves of my mind

Submerse me
Drown this body
In Dreams' beauty

some people call me dense
or ignorant
but that's not it.
i'm deep.
so far inside myself
that i can't see.
the world from inside
is so unclear
i cannot understand reality
or anything i hear

sometimes my mind surfaces
a shade or two
and i gain some type of clarity,
so i can hear you
i can feel
in these moments
and its exiting
and cold.
like the world is so raw
outside my soul.
the harshness
of your cutting words-
i'm unprepared
and under dressed
for the real world.

it's only deep in the night when my mind wanders most that i ponder why another night of drinking alone is the status quo.  it's when i wonder why the wheel that started spinning so long ago keeps spinning, in the same direction and general speed.  deep in the night is when the doubts and regrets run rampant like rioters through the square, flipping cars amidst flaming tires.  it's when the needs and the wants clash for supremacy, assuring the mutual destruction of each.  loves lost carve their names into my neocortex.  where dreams unrealized fill their time by playing ping-ping until they're ****** from the backburner to manic importance.  deep in the night is when blood-shot eyes and blaring computer monitors have a staring contest.  deep in it, thought becomes reaction and the beans spill accordingly.  knee-deep and we're ravaging the calm into frenzy and burning the books of our beliefs and abandoning rationale in favor of the spectre of immediate gratification at any cost, at any loss.  deep in the night where no light penetrates, things become somehow illuminated.

I am me. I am the girl crying on the bathroom floor wishing she never existed. I am the boring sister, the unwanted daughter, and the distant friend. I am the bitter insults from my mothers mouth. I am the guilt from my chest when I bite back too hard. I am the music I rely on to survive. I am the dull foggy days and the long lonely nights I love so much. I am the one no one can hate and the one no one can love. I am the the broken but the not broken enough. I am the tangled collection of thoughts, weaving through one another in my mess of a mind. I am the hopeless future, I am the high expectancies. I am the too-pretty-to-be-ugly and the too-ugly-to-be-pretty. I am the 3am figure stuck to the couch. I am the weight in my chest. I am the hard mornings. I am the restless nights. I am the lost humour, the lost smiles, the lost joy. I am the lost cause.