What is Consciousness?
The spirit as our inmost part is the inner *****, possessing God-consciousness, that we may contact God
The soul is our very self a medium between our spirit and our body, possessing self-consciousness, that we may have our personality
The body as our external part is the outer *****, possessing world-consciousness, that we may contact the material world

All around I look and I see hardened hearts
Though that’s what you told us not to do.
“Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion”
Down another bottle of anti depressants to make you feel stable tonight
Eat another plate of dinner to make you feel full, satisfied
Smoke one more joint to give you peace
Just one more drink to help you sleep, keep the demons away
Spend your money on one more shirt, you know, shopping therapy
And yet, still empty, hopeless

I know if I flip the switch I can experience the beauty but I feel the weight of the sufferings of this world on top of my shoulders
Loved ones passing away,
Children sick and dying,
****,
Torturing of the mind,
It holds me down, chokes me out

Breathe in, breathe out
That’s what I tell my daughter anyway
When her emotions are getting the best of her,
Stop, breathe in, breathe out
Notice 5 things for each sense
Count your fingers, 1,2,3,4,5
Sniff and smell 1)wax melt 2)mommy’s hair 3)your favorite stuffed animal 4)the blanket 5)laundry
Look at 1) bubby’s eyes 2)the blue grey painted walls 3)Azora’s yellow shirt 4)toys all over the floor 5)the fuzzy carpet
Listen to 1)the birds outside 2)the tv in the background 3)the fan in the bedroom 4)my breath, in and out 5)Azora’s laugh, one of my favorite sounds
1)take a drink of your juice 2)taste the cookies I just made 3)the inside of your mouth 4)garlic green beans, mommy and Azora’s favorite 5)daddy’s best omelette

And we’re back to calm waters

One night Jesus told me He forgave me
Of course I thought, what do I do to deserve this? Only He replied,
You are loved
And so my journey began, to become a fisherman of people
So I say to you, call out to Him as I did, admit your sins, whatever they may be, jealousy, anger, envy, lust, abuse, drunkenness, ****** immorality, pride, do not hold back because He knows what our thoughts are and what is written on our hearts. In doing so you will turn from the darkness, in to the light.

Notice the trees, the grass, the flowers, the waters, all the beauties of the Earth and then for one moment begin to imagine Heaven. There will be no sufferings, no night, no darkness. All colors will be more in depth, richer, fuller.
Imagine time and space all in one. One moment can last a lifetime and a lifetime can last for a moment
Being able to experience the past, present, future all at once  

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.“

You break me down like I am nothing
Nothing more than a piece of lent
Am I even that?  
I am undefined, habitually replaceable  
A mess of colors
Take me and bend me in two, I’ve always been used for others satisfaction
Use me up, swallow me whole
Knock me down, pin me, take what you wish
I am a set of tools to be used at your disposition
A heart ache so full it can reach the sun and does
The sun reaches out, those blazing arms engulf my being
And now
I am the sun
Hot- Rage
Passionate, volatile
The Sun; I-  
Casts shadows
And in those shadows hide fear, insecurities, unidentifiable trauma, anger, hostility, and the desire for definitive change

Perpetually displeased with the volcanic eruption of emotions, I turn to the orbiting moon and ask her:  
How do I learn to quiet the instinctive nature of burning rage of hurt held deep within my soul?

The moon takes her time to reply. I can only assume she is delving thoroughly into her thoughts, bringing the best answer possible to the surface. She says; fuel the rage with conviction, ideals and compassion. Learn to give freely of your love. Do not expect even gratitude in return. Invite change to come. Welcome pain, let it sit for a while and then politely ask it to leave. Do not shy away from fears, instead face them boldly. Ultimately realize that yes, you can cast shadows, but your light radiates above all. You are the center, so shine.

I remember when I used to wish that I could be one of those people who didn’t care about anything. one of those people who had an on and off switch, and whenever they didn’t want to feel a certain way they just flipped the switch. I used to beg for it. it never came, day after day I was the same. I was so emotionally unstable that walking against the wind cracked my bones.

Eventually my day came, but followed, was weeks then months after months of an empty void. I know I should feel angry or upset when someone says a cruel joke or another someone ***** me over or a friend decides to leave  but I dont. I feel like I've been scratched on the surface. There’s no depth to the hurt. No real feeling, no raw pain. The scratch doesn’t even need a bandaid. sometimes I wish I could feel again, but most of me doesn’t care enough to even have a wish.

The majority of my conversations are with myself. At one point in my existence I couldn’t be away from someone for longer than an hour without the anxiety beginning to set in. Today, an old friend and I met up and he told me I’m too quiet, I don’t seem like myself. I think that’s when it hit me that I am quiet these days, because I only talk to the little man inside my head. He and I, we don’t need to speak out loud. My friend asked me who I hang around now, and again I had no answer to give because I hang around me. I talk to me. Me and I, we are friends, and we are the only friends we need. Who else could understand me the way I do?

This wondering has brought me and I to a conclusion that maybe we are turning into ghosts. We think we are becoming more invisible as the days pass. We think it is okay.

We wake up and plan
to smile at strangers,
and hold the door open,
and say no to anger.

But then there's traffic,
and road rage and red lights,
and cut-offs and cuss-outs,
daydreaming of fights.

Our destination is reached,
and our hands are in fists,
we stomp down the halls,
and crash by accident.

Coffee spills, papers scatter,
faces red, eye contact made,
thoughts are racing, anger raising,
a small flame ignites great hate.

We watch the scene
play in our head,
like directing a movie
and take one is red.

It's yelling and screaming,
insulting and punching,
automatic desire,
but solving nothing.

Aren't we lucky
we aren't bound by our thoughts?
We might be tempted,
but slaves we are not.

Aren't we lucky
if take one leads to
mistakes or trouble
we can choose a take two?

In the midst of the commotion all I could see was you in every horrible aspect of your being
I was always the first to validate the repugnant acts you committed
You didn't care, neither did I