i saw an injured bird
making it's way
through the grass
in my back yard.
i didn't know
how to help it,
so i put out the
last of my cigarette,
went back inside,
and picked up my phone.

1 missed call

i called you back,
you didn't answer.

this morning,
i watched a bird
helplessly search
for safety,
and walked away.

that was the second hardest part of the day.

She was far away
In some distant land
In her head
One only she had the
Endurance to navigate
I am an artist of geography.
She would tell me
On the days
She was deeper in
The jungle of her mind
Than she usually was

But I wanted to save her
So I sent out
A search team
To find someone
Who was not really lost
Either way nobody
Could find
This girl.

One day
Years later
There was a knock
On my door
I still have not
Reached the pacific,
I am trying
To find the limits
Of this land
In my head
But I have yet
To find the coast.
I am trying
To make a map
Of my mind
And when I do
I will paint you a copy.

But you are limitless
I wanted to tell her
no map could encompass
the capacity of sheer beauty
that your mind is
But instead
I watched
And I let
Her walk back
Into the jungle

Sometimes I wonder
Do you ever think about me?
Because I can’t seem to get you off my mind.
Do you ever think about what could have been?
I do.
I think about how happy we could have been.
I think about how we would have fought like cats and dogs
just to make up a couple minutes later.
Because I could never really be angry with you.
Do you ever think about what would have happened if we had just listened to our friends?
I do.
I think about what our first real date could have been.
I think about how you would have ordered the truffle fries because they’re your favorite.
but how I would have had to ask for your ketchup.
Because you are always forgetting things.
Do you ever think about what our first (sober) kiss would have been?
I do.
I think about how you would have been too shy and polite to make the first move.
I think about how I would have had to lean in first if I ever wanted it to happen.
however it never would have lasted long enough to suit my fancy.
Because I could kiss you forever.
Do you ever think about what could have been?
I do.
I think about what never was.
I think about how I never told you what I know now I should have.
but I am far too much of a coward to put myself out there like that.
Because I never knew how you felt.
Do you ever wonder if we missed our chance?
I do.

I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad