How can I say this ?
I've been searching out for ways of possibilities .
You were in the Pearl of Arizona
The lightning before the pause that
thunder blew away

The cascading falls of uncertainly
Devoid nights of rain's delay
The chapters never finished
Noah'ed , two by two for display

I sat on a bench
In the corner of a courtyard
About ten years ago
It was large but hardly vast
Near sixty yards square or so

Surrounded by a rough hewn wall
Round six feet high it seemed
Lost in a peaceful memory
A soft focus pre Easter dream

In the opposite corner
On the diagonal perceived
A fully laden Cherry Blossom
Swelled and shook and breathed

Through its essence and existence
Through it's roots and bark it heaved

As if ready to impart a message
I felt grateful to receive
A holy thing to take with me
When
I stood
And turned to leave

Then out of nowt
A tiny tornado
Appeared at the midway point
Like a spectral referee incarnate
Explaining the rules of the joint

He bowed to both parties
Swirled round the mortal pitch
Encompassing the tree
Every petal gently pinched
Then carried to me
In a widening perfumed gyre
I could feel it's cleansing warmth
An exquisite painless fire

I was encircled fully
Music like I'd never seen
Swaythed from head to toe
In the brightest of pinks and creams
The aroma almost killed me
The most cinematic of scenes.

Then the spirit was gone
Fragrance piled high at my feet
Now I did not belong
My dance card replete
I sniffed back a tear
I stood up and left
It's never happened again
Easter now so bereft.

she disappeared into the shadows of the night,
skimming through the uproarious parties
like stone across the lake
until she sunk into
the gruesome arms
of another man
behind my sleeping back.

and there he was, pounding away
like some big dumb animal
at something I held sacred
as if bonds were meant to be broken
and boundaries were made permeable

and there she was,
taking it,
loving it,
enjoying it,
doing it to spite me
and knowing it would hurt.

and there I was, the last to know
in the dark circles of whispering
secrecy

it’s the all-too-familiar cycle
of passion and appetite;

swallowed by the underbelly of lust and
tormented by the foretaste of my presence

I can’t blame them,
I can’t blame myself,
it’s only nature
taking
its course.

and I can’t say this is written
about anyone specifically,

when it happened

far too many times.

Step by step,
bit by bit,
seen unseen
unknowing shape.

Concepts in rebuild
reconstruct what has fallen.

Come on,
let in some fresh air.
No need to be afraid
the same dark chants drift by.

Change resonance.
There is a chance
for a new beginning.

Three words whispered by someone
in the past were drifting behind my eyes:
“Don’t embarrass yourself.”
  
Trigger-induction, hypnotic phrase
stiffening my muscles,  
getting stuck in my legs.

These words make me straighten up
just in case, to avoid becoming a farce,
to not risk interior pain.

I walked through the narrow hallway
some stories were explained,
others remained in the pharynx
of watchful colossal squid.

I’m a broken record,
a sponge drinking salt drops.
Hidden, desiring wishes used  
not to be said.

Self-censorship is an easy way.
Just with a bit of self-irony,
I try to play fair; I try to play safe.

Stamping my tiny, rumpled ticket
joining a collective perfect match,
even if I don’t fit into this craziest crowd.

Until now, when through the crack,
the water has gone untamed,
refusing to return to the flood control dam.

I’m afraid of what will be next
when the water swallows
my piece of comfort la-la land.

Caught asking myself
to go where there is real music
or stay in an illusory state.