At any time, my heart could stop beating
The repetitive drum pounding in my chest could cease
And it makes me wonder what have I done in my life that is worth writing about
I do not want my eulogy to be filled with my mediocre successes
I do not want my soul to leave without saying all that this body has held inside
I want to say things that make my heart beat so fast my knees quiver
I want to be horribly straightforward to the point where people wonder if I am lying and the irony of it all is that for once I won't be
I want to open up these locked doors and let people inside
Give them a tour of this garden that on some days is not always beautiful
The kind of text messages where I want to throw my phone after I press send and I want to do this because I want to know how alive you feel when you feel something for someone else
Some of us are doing our best to be happy but avoiding sorrow can hinder us from growing
Reaching your lowest point can sometimes remind you that you know how to climb a ladder
And I know it's strange and scary to tell people that you want them, need them, miss them, love them but could you imagine dying without them ever hearing it?

At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
You can hardly believe that it has been this long since you have returned
So long that you haven't forgotten the very smell of this building
It used to be bitter, stained with take-out food and cigarettes
Now, however, you find yourself taking bigger breaths in efforts to reminisce
It's funny how some things that used to be so terrible, bring back the sweetest of memories
You think of walking downtown, the streets were littered and the sidewalks were cracked
But when he was with you, God, the sky could be falling and you would somehow still feel so safe
Now, however, you find yourself walking with your hands tucked into your chest
Never in your pockets for fear that you could not slip them out to defend yourself
Things have changed now, you see pictures of the person you love with someone else
It's a feeling that not even the most intricate of words could describe
For fear that the pages would actually bleed and it is hard to read in red now
You think of the roses that you picked up, bare stem, letting the thorns cut into your hands
You think of his hands, how holding them, everything was possible
There was something about him that made you believe in yourself
You had hope for what was ahead, no matter the obstacle, you had guidance
Now, however, you find yourself getting lost more often than usual
When you lose your sense of direction, you love everything
At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
And you can hear her laughing from inside
You can hear him breathing

Falling in love knowing your heart is going to break is the best way to do it
Fall like a summer thunderstorm and don’t look back unless you're searching for flowers that will bloom in your wake
Wander into uncharted territory and let your guard down
Do not let the barb wire fence frighten you, reach out to touch it
Bleed red like the roses he will bring your mother in the winter
Let your thoughts wander over the precipice of the future, imagine him in it, imagine the both of you sharing an apartment
One with wood floors and white walls
Waking up next to him, his arms wrapped around you
Let the sound of his breathing resonate in the compounds of your mind
Remember this sound when you cannot produce it yourself
Your body will turn to face him and he will squint his eyes at the light reflecting off your skin from the window
He will sigh and say "good morning," in sluggish harmony with the most beautiful smile
The innocent kind where nothing could ever take away the grace, the way his cheeks slide up and he exhales with a laugh
Imagine that he is happy, still
He pulls you towards him and kisses your forehead
His body is warm like an eastern sunset in the middle of the summer
And in this moment you will smile in disbelief of how lucky you are
"Do you want coffee?" you will say, running your fingers through his tussled hair
He will nod, slightly, just enough for you to see it and though you don't want to, you will slide out of bed
Leaving the warmth, leaving him there with every intention to return
Falling in love knowing you heart is going to break is the best way to do it
And sometimes sliding out of bed will become parallel to sliding out the door
And leaving the one place that really felt like a home
You may intend to return, but when you do
You will discover that he has changed the locks

He walks backwards into a room, takes of his jacket and sits down
The bartenders slides him money and a receipt
He slips the money back into his wallet and the bartender fetches the receipt from under his shot glass
His makes a bitter face as the alcohol creeps back up his throat
He picks it up and sips it back into the glass from his mouth
Things in rewind seem much easier
Like ants running back into their hole
Raindrops flying into the sky
Your skin will soften, teeth will sink back into your gums
Your shoes will get bigger, feet smaller
You will remember less memories
Remember less of the pain
You will forget about all the nights you lay in awe of how much you miss him, you will think of him getting drunk
Wishing he would spit it back into the bottle
Wishing he would unhang up the phone
Wishing you hadn't walked out
You imagine unpacking your bags as salt water tears that dissolved into your shirt slid back up into your eyes
In the distance you can hear the music playing backwards as you rock back in forth, unkissing his neck
You want life to be recorded on a VCR, little green and red buttons putting your mind at ease
But then again, you haven't owned a VCR in years

It is hard to describe the feeling of missing someone
Who is not missing you in return
They have moved on to a new home
And they have taken the keys to the old one
And you find yourself sitting outside an abandon house
Knocking on the door
With hopes that eventually
Someone will open the door
And invite you back inside

I was a canvas, the side of a building, a vacant bedroom wall in a new house
Love painted over me
Each kiss, red
Each smile, yellow
Each fight, dark blue
Every look, green
Every touch, mix colors, purple
Swirling in constellations for astronomers to decipher one day
Splashing on flaming sunsets for children to gaze at all of its glory
Sketching trees for lovers to carve their initials in under its shade
I was the sky beyond the clouds, I was the ground beyond the soil
I had it all when you held the paintbrush
I have never known someone to love me like this
And now that it is over
I am having a hard time
Putting up this new wallpaper

You can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home, you can see it with the lights out
Your mind wanders into oblivion and you wonder if his hands still feel your warmth when it gets cold out
If the folds between your bed sheets feels the same as a bonfire he now sits around with someone else
The sound of her inhale and exhale is his new song
I do not mind that he is happy though I wish I were still a part of it, some days it does not matter but on most it does
Trying to avoid feelings that are unavoidable
Is like believing you can live forever
Fooled myself into thinking he was my fountain of youth
But I have found myself drowning in a flood that provided no warning signs, no television broadcast
Water showings up without RSVP
I can hear your voice in the silence, feel your breath in the crevice of my neck on the way home
I can still see you, even with the lights out
I am afraid of what I will see when I turn them on

"Stay for just a while," I say, "just for tonight, we can make this work if you give me a chance."
He sits there quietly looking down at his hands, he glances at the watch I gave him for his birthday
"Okay, fine," he manages
I reach across the table to grab his hands, he reluctantly lets me in
Tomorrow I know he will leave with the taste of coffee that was not sweet enough branded on his tongue
I did not put enough sugar to make him want to stay here
Tomorrow he will walk out as if he never knew me, as if I were a stranger he glanced at on the street
But for now, I curl up in his arms and kiss his neck just before he falls asleep
"We could make this work," I mumble, "I swear we could."
I want to stay in the crevice between his chest and arm forever
He drifts to sleep and slowly I am fatigued but refuse to rest
I do not want to waste any of the time I have the chance to look at you
Tomorrow he will pack his bags and say goodbye
It will be as if we never shared a thing together
The late night phone calls of you telling me how when you got home late, your parents were asleep
The lingering of our lips as our breath stood hot and still in the space between us
"I have to go now," he will say, "please try to understand."?and I will try to understand but I just can't
The light beaming in from the kitchen window has never looked so grim
I try to think of a way to convince him that the weather is too bad to walk outside
But it isn't, it's beautiful out and he has every reason to leave me
I thought that if I told him I missed him, that I wanted this one more time
That everything would turn around and that he would say he still loved me
He shuts the door behind him and I have never felt it more
That he doesn't

you should be
dehydrating
from the
sun,

not
tears
wasted on
those
who have
ceased
to care