Aubrey

Oct 2018

celesti

i wrote you
a letter every day
letters to tell you
just how i feel

written in neat, curved
writing i told you
just how sweet
i thought you were
how you made my heart
glow

letters in which i wrote
with various colors of ink
pouring out my whole being
to you

i wrote you
a letter every day.

i wrote you letters in which
i told you how you made me
bloom.

eventually
i found myself
pressing harder on
the paper
than i had before.

creating tears in them
similar in shape
and size
as the ones
inside of me.

i began to send
letters
with creases
and bumps
and stains
splattered with tears

pouring
from my eyes

as i wrote
the anger
bubbling within me.

my last letter
addressed to you
contained
no words

but was blank.
because
i had none that

could reach
as far

and deep

into the cracks
of my
heart

to describe
just
what you

had left
of me.

a draft i decided to finish because it took a totally different turn than originally intended.

#love #sad #depression

Oct 2018

She Writes

Mom

I loathe myself for loving you
Despise the way I care
I continue to throw myself at your feet
Lay my heart out bare

You are self-centered and thoughtless
Living your life without regard
For a child you left behind
Is saying “I love you” really that hard?

Why do you distance yourself?
Is it because I remind you of my dad?
All the pain you caused
And the life you could have had?

Though I walk a fine line
Of replicating your mistake
I know I won’t
The thought makes my chest ache

I want to repair our relationship
I long to let my heart mend
Make up for lost time
Before we reach the end

#mom #relationship #family #mistakes #sad

Aubrey Oct 2018

hungry

I'm not trying to deny that a good meal would be no waste here,
but I'd be lying if I promised you I wouldn't cry after I ate it.
I'd rather sniff the chocolate than to taste it
I'm hungry.
I make myself some ramen, translate kj into calories,
count them down, check my budget, see if its within the daily salary
ah, what a shame its not
well then you know what we can do
we chew and chew and chew
but you know we don't swallow, we're spitters
cos mama did in fact raise a quitter
"I'm on a new diet, and I promise you it's okay"
"I'm doing really well, lost a lot of...water weight"
I'm so ******* hungry
So i gulp down more water, to keep the rumbles at bay
and go for a run, on this ******* miserable day
My stomach groans and moans, I know I'm running on empty
Passing houses filled with food, nearby fast joints to temp me
but I can't.
And I don't know why, but I can't.

the funny thing is, you wouldn't even be able to tell if you looked at me

— The End —