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ell Feb 2022
i know i was just a chapter in your book, but you are the title of mine.
ell Feb 2022
the hardest part was probably when i had to return your toothbrush.
you had bought it months ago, it was probably time to replace it anyways, but bagging it up and placing in that ****** little box felt so different.
it was everything i dreaded. quick, swift, clean. your boxes made it
look like someone was moving, and you were. your drawer was emptied, my doors were closed.
in that moment I sobbed. I was breaking myself down over something so very small, something so seemingly insignificant. I pitied myself until you had the heart enough to pretend to.
but instead, you broke me down into shards sharper than glass, and watched my bleed on the hardwood floor, desperately trying to piece myself back together while you watched. my hands bled, my knees shadowed, bruising deep purples and blacks. you snickered. you loved the way I'd run back, my heart on my sleeve. and you loved to crush me again. without you I am lost, and you know it, too.
I didn't edit it again oops
  Feb 2022 ell
M H John
i spent my life trying to please
someone with a twisted disease
i broke myself down
and tucked my feelings away
to become the person
they wanted me to be
i let myself be watched
through the glass of a two sided mirror
of a sociopath
i wallowed my spirit away
and begged for acceptance
but there’s nothing in the world
that i could do
to let the narcissist know
that i am human too
the only thing that can please a narcissist is being miserable
ell Dec 2021
It feels impossible
to escape these relentless feelings
of worthlessness.
I feel as I am already
6 feet under
everyone else,
and I have been trampled, and suffocated
to nothing, beneath my own doubt
and judgment.
still workin on this one
ell Dec 2021
It feels inevitable and true
I want to quell what I give as fuel
How I view myself when I’m with you
-
And it’s hard it’s hard
Its hard it’s so
Hard to be around you
But it’s harder not to
from 'hi dan how r u miss u' by crywank
  Dec 2021 ell
Ayesha
the house smells like a melting wire

and
   outside

city
smoke, leaf–– kite

I lie by my window
an old god covered in age
once painted, now
white is my name

but it is suddenly so lovely

I watch my world grow
once clumsy babbling
it talks now endless

somewhere
     sun subsiding

and I am not rot

I am not rot

this is a whisper I will not let go

I run my stoney hand
on my stoney hand
my hand
the hand of an archeologist
uncovering time from time
and my hand
the trembling power of a painter
unsure fingers with a half-filled quill

I rewrite— strangely— verse after obsolete verse
red and blue and dawn on dust

glittery awakening-– heavy and sour
white sightless eyes on history focused

exit centuries
like lather through sink-– exit war and tomb-people
exit sunken empires where deities go to die
–– exit exit exit!

          open the window!

in a flood thick

awash this skin, porcelain and stone
awash tongue forgotten, awash pupil

an artefact arm
slowly mobile
a hand blooming to veil the light
from wet, blinking eyes

a rickshaw bumbles by
a van singing
even the quiet whistling of a
bicycle’s chain
it’s getting cold

my socks? where did— here they are

the house still smells like a melting wire
but Faizan said
that Saad said that
he is bringing pizza on his way home

and outside
grey-gold fades

slowly— strangely—
I am not rot

        a melting's quiet sniffs

I am not rot
05/12/2021
  Dec 2021 ell
Jordan Leisure
i'm melting for you
my heart drips
while your cream-colored candle rests under it

breath coated in bourbon
whisky fantasies
of you and me
i couldn't prepare for your hair
or your stare
or those bouts of two a.m. mayhem
i'm melting for you
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