I haven't been around you in so long,
Haven't heard you deep voice or seen that grin.
And now all you've left me with is your lustful touch,
Desired by my body but not wanted by me.

That touch which caused so many new feelings,
Ecstasy and desire, hate and sin.
I loved you, I knew you, I wanted to be yours,
But you made me hate me, why can't you see?

That the only memories I have left of us
Are the ones when you invaded my mind and my confidence.
Not once, not twice, but over and over,
I said no, we shouldn't, and you said it was okay, that you loved me.

Now thanks to your "love," I feel ***** and unclean,
And I know that's an bittersweet innocence I'll never get back.
You took it from me, tore it from my hands,
Stole it without a glance, a nightmare I just can't look past.

And yet amidst this sorrow, this deep regret,
My body begs for your presence,
My mind aches for the love you once gave me,
That gross, uninvited, cold touch.

Those nights back when everything was fine
The stars shone down on us
Looking at each other, our hands intertwined
Tears didn't exist, heartache was unheard of
All we were was just two innocent kids
Always together and and madly in love

The butterflies in my stomach never stopped fluttering their wings
I never felt the silence of a stare
You were all that I knew to need
No one warned me that we could end
Or if they did, I just ignored it
All I could think of was how I needed you to be my friend

she met him by chance, she had another
he fell in love, but couldn't take her from the other
she told him her problems, her deepest thoughts
she had been broken, thrown away as if she were nothing
she had so many scars, so many wounds
she told him everything, all she had ever felt
she fell in love and didn't even know it
he still loved her
she came to him crying, her other had been terrible
he held her, didn't let go, shielded her from the world
she realized the truth and gave him a chance
a chance to be more than just her friend
he made her so happy, brought her up out of the ditch she had been in
she trusted him so much more than anyone else, ever
she hated herself, but somehow still loved him
he tried to convince her of amazing things, tried to tell her
but she couldn't believe him, she wouldn't
still, they were happy, they had each other
it was better than any fairytale, better than any story
it was all too good to be true
a year passed, still they loved each other
she had more valleys, but each time he brought her to a mountain
he loved her like no one ever had before
she began to like herself just a little
she tried to be happier for him, wishing it was enough
she tried to be the woman he wanted
but she couldn't, she wasn't made for that
she told him, said they needed to take a step back
he agreed but they didn't change anything
it was all too fast, they went too far
but neither could bring themselves to stop, to change
she cried, day and night, he was supposed to be there
she sobbed, he should have been drying her tears
he said he didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to cause her pain
but she knew it was too late
she kept it from him, wouldn't tell him the pain he had caused her
she tried to pretend it was all okay
but they both knew the truth, it couldn't go on like this
so she tried to tell him
she tried to explain herself, her mind, her thoughts
he listened, he was there, but she felt like he was always distant
she felt that he was never telling her everything
finally she found out he had been lying
everything he had said, everything he had done
none of it had been for the reason she thought
she cried, she sobbed
a year of her life had been one big white lie
she knew she would never get it back, the time or the experiences
the firsts, the bests, they would never be hers again
he asked for forgiveness
but she couldn't give him any, so she told him
he kept asking, but she didn't budge
she couldn't forgive a liar immediately
she felt everything else to do with him had been a lie
all of it, dripping like syrup off his lips
so she put it off, for another time
she just said to wait, and maybe sometime, she'd have it in her
maybe she'd be able to love again
maybe not, but she had to try

I feel the constant need for your approval
For you to say I can or can't
The constant need to know you're okay
If I do this or say that or go there

Why can't I just be independent
And do what I want to do
Why can't I just say, who cares
And not worry about what you think

At night as I lay there crying
Your words, or lack thereof, are what keep me up
They make me wonder if I'm enough
Or if you just make it through with the failure I am

I know I fail, you can see it too
So why do you stay, why do you torture me
Make me happy and sad all at once
You mean the world to me, yet you tear it down

Lost my footing,
can't get back up.
Need you to help me,
but you're nowhere near.

Losing my mind,
cannot think straight.
Need you to understand,
but you're nowhere near.

I will lose my way,
wander untraveled paths.
I'll need a hero to save me,
but you won't come.

I live in constant fear--
     of messing up.
What a glorious life I could have,
     if this cloud didn't always hang over me.
This plague, brought on by myself,
     by my fears, desires, and tears.
Surrounding me, separating me
     from the rest of the world.
The only thing keeping me
     from truly living.

He smiles at me,
eyes full of love and care.
"It will be worth it,
I promise."

This record is stuck,
the needle struggling to go forward.
But it can't, it keeps jumping
and repeating itself over and over.

He looks at me,
cold breath hanging in the air.
"Just put your bag down,
come here."

Dripping with tears of sorrowful love,
The condensation on the glass of her soul,
That fragile muscle, so easily shattered,
Poked and prodded, cracked in two, but barely still whole.

Thin layers coating the surface of her precious jewel,
Crimson covers cloaking the bitter story
Of a long forgotten memory deep in his mind,
Waiting to be discovered and unraveled to true, majestic glory.

The connection of their souls and minds,
Severed by one little broken promise,
One quick-spoken word filled with menace and brutality,
When all she wanted was for him to be honest.

The ringing of those broad bells,
Signaling the end of her anguish and heartache,
And the beginning of new life and contentment,
A sleep from which she had to wake.

I'm coming, step by step
Slowly bringing myself back into this world
The cold finally nipping my nose
The rushing of the river filling my ears for once
Washing over me like a veil being swept away
Exposing me to the reality of this life
The good and the bad, all filling me with hope
All these thoughts and feelings
Not for the first time, but new all the same
Previously unknown, my body numb to everything
But now, the green of the grass in my blurred vision
Clearing up, becoming sharp again
Penetrating my growing mind

You bring to my life
The most joy I've ever felt
But you take from my soul
The only love I ever knew

Why must you be so kind to me
So loving and caring
But then turn around and make me feel
Like I am nothing compared to you

Is this how I'm supposed to live
One day feeling great and the next terrible
Is this what love is always like
One day on fire and the next burning down

I just want us back to how we were
Laughing and loving and inseparable
But now as I look at you from across the room
I know that it can never be again what it once was

Sleepless nights, restless days
I can't ever seem to get away from it
Pushing me, whispering, always there reminding me
Of the failure, the disappointment I've become
Silence, booming in my ears
The loudest thing I've ever heard, yet completely calm
The opposite of how I really feel
Falling, endlessly, forever

in the most innocent moments
bursting forth, surprising

the thoughts of a thousand years
whispering in open ears and wandering minds
the feelings of a thousand souls
contained in just one broken one

the wondrous reminder of ourselves
unexpected, caught off guard

I am done just surviving,
done keeping my head just above the waves.
I am done with fighting to just get that little last breath again.
I am done just making it another day,
done just being okay.
I am done lying just because it makes things easier.

I remember
back when life was simple --
unknown adventure
waiting to capture me.

I remember
back when loving was easy --
your smile, a few words
could make my day.

I remember
back when emotions were logical --
laughs meant good, tears meant bad
and everything balanced out.

The funny thing about life's surprises
Is finding out what you thought to be true was all just one big white lie
Once upon a time no longer a land away
The days you cried out and thought you couldn't go on
Haunting your thoughts, but not taking over your life

The things that used to cause the tears to flow
Now just make you stop and think
People which used to break you down
Now just help to build up other relationships

The unexpected outcome of tragedy, joy prevails
The paradox of a forgotten bittersweet memory
The moment you realize you'll never be the same
Changing you forever, messing with your whole, safe, outlook on life
What was once a sad, dark mess is now a bright and sunny paradise

cut and paste
tear and mend
dye and die again

try to fix it
do your best
or else you'll never rest

A past no one knows about,
actions and reactions;
a life you once lived.

A sentence no one hears,
words and pauses;
a secret you once shared.

A person no one's heard of,
ideas and thoughts;
an identity you once had.

...you...

we haven't talked in days
it's felt like a month or two
I'm trying to hold on
but everything is slipping from my grip

you were my rock, my shelter
and now that you're gone
I can see all my flaws
bright as day, highlighted once again
you've always kept me together, whole, unbroken
yet it's your words which echo in my head

your face swims in my vision
I can't get rid of it
I feel your touch in the unwanted moments
it tears me apart bit by bit
until I am nothing
it cuts into my skin, deeper, deeper
causing me to bleed
tears streaming down my face
once and once again

you--unknowing, innocent, alluring, so precious--
you break me quickly
and put me back together piece by piece
like two lives lived at once
neither aware of the other
two sides of the same coin

the shape of your body, forever pressed into my mind
the taste of your tongue, so sweet and all mine

the flowers of your fingers, touching my body
the ring of your laughter, swelling all around me

singing into my ears, your melody enlightens me
to the reality of your kiss, and the fire of your security

you are the one place I feel at home, the one thing I can count on
to always be there, always listen, the memory I love

the new ones being created, the old ones being embraced
the wonderful things I've always wanted, now just a breath away

Messed up minds,
always there to stay.
Confusing feelings;
forever and a day.
Puzzling thoughts --
will they ever go away?

It's so strange how you can be so close to someone
but they don't know you at all,
even though they think that they do!
And then you can be just as close to another
and they know your deepest struggles,
the secrets of your past and present.
Two friendships, two people,
but two completely different relationships:
one shallow, just on the surface,
the other deeper than anyone can imagine, penetrating your entire life.

Just when everything seems to be going fine in my life,
It all falls apart.
Just when I think I've made new friends,
They betray me.
Just when it seems that people may enjoy my presence,
I hear a whispered conversation.
Just when I have a chance at being good at something,
It all falls apart.
--

the moment when everything changes
looking back, you wonder how you were so unsuspecting
how everything could seem so perfect
no red flags were raised, no chance for you to surrender
before the mess and the carnage
suddenly alone, you blame yourself
making lists of what you could have done
how you could have changed the outcome
your mind never at rest
racing thoughts
a pounding heart
constant pain

The marks on her soul
and countless scars on her body
could not do a thing to taint his view.

When he saw her, he really did see her;
he saw her flaws, her insecurities, everything,
and yet still loved her.

She didn't understand how that was possible,
how someone could love her wholly,
and so she denied it, refused to accept it.

She pushed him away, shot down his compliments,
she built up a wall and locked him out of her heart
even though her entire body screamed for his.

The day finally came when all she wanted to do was give up,
and he could tell that something was wrong,
so he did his best to bring her back into this world.

But nothing he could do, not a word he could say,
could save her from her own mind,
and so instead she wasted away, and left him.

She couldn't stop it, couldn't change her fate,
even the happiest thought could not make her feel any better,
and that last day of hers was the best of her life.

I don't feel anything for you anymore
That parts over, I've been done for some time
I'm happy, I don't need you, so why does it matter
If you reach out or stay silent

I shouldn't care, it shouldn't hurt
You put up walls and left me here
I shouldn't care, it's absurd
But it's cold and lonely on the other side here

It's been a year, I've moved on to a new life
I made new friends, memories, and habits

What did I do wrong
A year later and I don't know
I took time and I moved on
Why was now the time that you chose

To confront me with words like a knife
Cutting deep, sinking through my whole life
When I thought I was done, I was fine
I'm proved wrong, but I know you aren't trying

Before you I never had these thoughts
That I wasn't good enough or somehow flawed.
I never wondered, I had all the answers,
I knew every piece would help make the puzzle.
But now there's six long months unaccounted for,
Leaving so many questions you wouldn't answer.
What went wrong? Where was I? ...and why?