i like to smoke ***
and i like it a lot
they warned me
as a kid
it would make
my brain rot

but it helps take away the pain
whether physical
or in my brain
i can take a ****,
and when i smoke,
i choke away
the strain

i was always told
i'd start feeling old
and end up
with the memory of
a fish
that is gold

but no matter how much
i smoke
no matter
how much
i drink
i'm left with the
memory of an elephant
i just can't forget
i still always think

my past haunts
my present
and will haunt
my future, too
i'm stuck to my
memories
like industrial-strength glue

sticky
with bits of
yesterday
taped to my face
unable to let go
and let new things
take its place

will you give it a rest?

i keep ignoring you
and trying to make it clear
i'm unimpressed

but you keep running
your tired lungs
out of breath

i'm not sure
how you've got
any wind
in
you
left

i'm not even
worried

i'm just bored

you keep coming back
no matter
how many times
you're ignored

and i've gotta
hand it to ya
you really persist

there doesn't seem
to be
a life event
that you've missed

i'm not ******
i'm not scared
hell, i'm not even sad

you're a dumb,
lonely man
how could i
even
be mad?

it's too bad

that you waste
so much
**** time

i can't reach
half an inch
i'm not worth
half a dime

get in line
if you think you can
help change my mind
that you can save
my sweet heart
that you can
help me rewind

i'm confined
to the guilt
i've tried
to leave behind
but there's no going back
i can't
dry erase
my mind

no matter how much
i scrub
and bleach
and try to wipe it clean
i'm left with
a black smudge
on my brain
and a nightmare
in my dreams

for a long time,
writing was all i had

i was swallowed up by words
and little bits of me
i had forgotten about
would be regurgitated
back into reality

most of my talent
has been scrubbed
and washed away
by all my failed attempts
to keep my memories at bay

and i'm left sobbing
with a knife
pressed
against my throat

sweating,
and begging
for the inspiration
of all the previous
words i wrote

but nothing comes out
except the lies
that i choke


every day brings me pain
but i brush it away
lying to myself
and saying tomorrow
will be okay

tomorrow keeps coming
over and
over again
but nothing ever changes
i just keep waiting for the end

twiddling my thumbs
until they're callused,
creating friction
between them


my lungs fill with dust
blown in from
the piles of memories
stacked in the corner
of my brain

i try to unlock
and unravel them
in my dreams
but i keep waking up
more
and more
insane

i can't tell if anything's wrong
or if
it's
just
me

maybe i'm broken

maybe my story
is better left unspoken

death keeps calling my name
and i'm trying to avoid the temptation
of answering

i see them all in my mind
maddy, and daddy, and matt
they're all waving to me
and i'm waving back
there they are,
waiting in the black
telling me that
once i say yes,
there's no turning back

death is dancing on the dirt
that will soon be my grave
and yelling to me that it's okay,
because all my friends are doing it
this way

i wish they had been stronger
and stayed longer
but i know just as well that it's exhausting
to pretend
that you want to be present
when you want it to end

it hurts
to fake a smile
when your eyes
are aching
from the tears
you're holding back

but none of us
ever
bother to
talk about that

secrets aren't secrets
unless they're kept confidential
i'm getting tired
of being hired
just to give up
living up
to my potential

my rhymes are old
but don't ever try
to hold
my pencil

your arms are too weak
and you'd only
stay inside
the stencil

can't you see
none of this is good enough for me?
i can't be satisfied
as easily
as you want me to be

i'm sick to my stomach
from spinning around
trying to keep
all my word ***** down
living most of my life
inside my head
because i'm too afraid
to pull any stars
down
from the sky
and i'm too stupid
to ask myself why

in rare moments
i'm
a ray
of sunshine

some might
see me
as some
sort
of clown

but
most of the time
my mind's
stuck on
a rhyme

and i just can't keep people around

quite often
i'm outgoing
and silly

i can
make
most folks
pretend
to laugh

but inside,
i have cried
"please, just **** me"

contemplating
taking
my toaster
in the bath


i drink
too much
on more
than occasion

i spend
too much time
feeling blue

but the
sauce
is where
i seek inspiration

and without it
i wouldn't
know
what
to do

i've etched
words
in
my walls
with my nails

when
my pen
had run
all
out of ink

i can't hide

sadness
always
prevails

and
takes over
the
thoughts
that
i think

i
  want
you
  to know,

i don't
  pull
my hand away
  when you
try to hold it
  because
i don't love you

it's because
  i don't want
anything

to
  stop
me

from

   f
    a
      l
     l
    i
      n
         g

          off
      
    the edge

      when

   i'm ready