The day I waved goodbye for the last time was the hardest thing I had ever had to do.
You didn't look back.
I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn't.
I had gone home and cried.
You got on a plane and left.
I had flipped through all the memories. All the pictures, all the best friend necklaces.
I stuffed it in a box and tried to forget.
Tried to forget my best friend in the whole wide world.
Tried to forget everything.
The stupid fights, the sleepovers, the giggling, the hugs, the fun times we shared.
Forgotten.

I know you said you’d visit.
You said you’d come Winter break.
Sure, you did.
It wasn’t the same.
We had fought over something stupid.
The bond was broken.
If only you had stayed.

You came again during the Summer.
It felt like there was nothing left to fix.
Nothing left to say to each other.
And so you got on that plane again, and you went back home.
Wherever that is.
If only you had stayed.

If only you had stayed.
I wouldn’t have had to sit alone at lunch, staring at where my best friend had once been.
I wouldn’t have had to become someone else.
No one had accepted me except for you. But you left.
So I changed.
I wouldn’t have had to yearn for someone to talk to.
I wouldn’t have had to sit alone, wondering if things would be different if you weren’t on the other side of the country.
If only you had stayed.

I know you said you didn’t have a choice.
You said it was up to your parents.
I guess you were right.
But you had the choice to keep in touch.
To still be friends.
And I will never forgive you for not making that choice.

You said you were sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry is what you say after a fight.
Not moving across the country.
But I pretended. Acted like we were fine.
Like I was fine.
I wasn’t.
I was crumbling, breaking, trying to hold myself together.
Sorry will never be able to fix that.

I  found a new friend.
She was the best.
She made me laugh. I don’t think we’ve ever fought.
You and I used to fight a lot.
You came again for Winter Break.
Called me your “Best Friend.”
Yeah right.

I told you about my new friend.
You flipped out.
“Don’t forget who your REAL best friend is,” you’d often remind me.
You were jealous.
You were jealous.
After you abandoned me. Left me.
Oh sure, you had made new friends.
You called them your best friends.
Meanwhile, I was struggling to find anyone who was stupid enough to become friends with me.
And when I finally did, you were jealous?

I guess you thought I was just going to wait around forever for you.
You were wrong.
You thought you were going to be my only friend forever.
You were wrong.

Things could’ve been different if only you had stayed.
But you left.
You changed.
And, well, so did I.

There is this girl.
Perfect in every sort of way.
Skinny, popular, beautiful, a cheerleader.
It seems like every girl wants to be her.
I know I do.
And so I sit, watching from afar.

Perfect hair, perfect nose.
Perfect mouth, perfect teeth.
Perfect clothes, perfect body.
Perfect friends, perfect life.
Perfect makeup, perfect face.
I can't seem to find anything wrong with her.
Why am I not good enough?

I don't have trouble finding things wrong with me.
My thighs are too fat, my calves jiggle.
My stomach is thick, covered in rolls.
My nose is too pointy.
I look stupid when I smile.
I look horrible in tight clothing.
I hate this. I hate me.
I hate watching from afar.

Why can't life be easy?
Why can't I look like her?
Thousands of questions pound through my head deep into the night.
I didn't use to be like this.
Or maybe I just didn't care.
Watching from afar.