he has become different
ever since you left
he stopped talking to everyone
he became isolated
and his only friend,
a glass of wine,
the only time he went out
was to buy more wine..
"leave me alone!" he often screamed at the top of his lungs
but no one knew who he was talking to
he was talking to - you
you might have left physically
but you were mentally in his life
because all that was on his mind was you..
everyone thought he was crazy;
he was, wasn't he?
he was crazy, for you
but now that you're gone
he has his glass of wine
to bring him back to the times you had together
he loves his glass of wine
because it brings him back to the past
just for a short while. //

i don't understand
how is it so easy for you to get over me?
i thought you loved me
you lied
didn't you?
you fooled me
you pretended to be different
you pretended to care and love me
when you knew you only wanted to use me
why would you do that?
haven't i been hurt enough?
everyone in my life
who i tend to fall for
always hurt me
is it me?
it is,
isn't it?
i'm not worthy enough for anyone to truly love me
but in order for you to get what you need from me
you have to lie..
but you could have just told me the truth
but i guess you figured i'm used to being hurt
so it wouldn't be anything
right?
WRONG!
you actually made me fall for you
i fell for you harder than i fell for anyone else
and then you left
just like that
as if i meant absolutely nothing to you
but i guess i didn't
because then it wouldn't have been
so easy for you to leave me..
when will i find someone
who truly loves me?
when will i find
the one? //

my addiction to you was getting worst
but you weren't around to see it ..
i couldn't eat, sleep or even function any at all
because of you
because i need my drug
i need you ..
i figured i needed to go to a class
you know
for addicts
i mean, you counted as an addiction, right?
you had to
because you caused sleepless nights
you caused frustration
you caused my addiction..
hi, my name is anonymous, and i'm a you addict..
is that what i was to say at the class?
i don't know how to describe my addiction for you
because it isn't normal
it isn't healthy
no addiction can be healthy
but you were one of the worst types ..
i would call your phone everyday and every night
(even though you never answered)
i called just to hear your voice
because i knew you would let it go to voice mail
you wouldn't disconnect your phone
because you're too important to people
but don't you see how important you are to me?
don't i matter too?
you just left me to fend for myself
and you knew how weak i was
you knew that my strength was gone
but you didn't care
and you made that obvious
well i'm sorry
for wanting you
in my life. //

I've wondered over and over how to start this
How to transform this into a true representation of my feelings
But then I realized that there are no words
Which could be written or even spoken
To fully represent heartbreak..
Heartbreak comes in many ways
In different lives
But my heartbreak has been caused by one I love
I felt heartbreak because I’m not loved back
Not the way I want to anyway..
I can be pretty jealous
Just like any other female out there
But I get jealous over people who aren't mine
Jealousy is a *****, huh?
Just like karma in a way..
I've tried my hardest
And my best to explain how I feel for you
But I know it makes no difference
(so why do I even bother?)
They say you can’t help who you fall in love with
But I wish I could
Because I don’t want to be in love with you
I don’t want to be in love with someone who doesn't even
Love me
I don’t want to be in love with someone who can’t even realize it
When they hurt me..
“What did I do to deserve this?”
A question I tend to ask myself everyday
Why did I have to fall for you?
Wasn't I satisfied with just being friends?
(Guess not)
It’s sad that I try so hard to lose my feelings for you
And nothing works
I've even tried to stop talking to you
But that only makes me feel worse
And loneliness eats me alive..
I’m sorry, I’m talking too much
(Aren't I?)
No one truly understands how I feel
And I fear that no one ever will
I fear that I will have to live with these feelings
And that makes me cry..
That’s how I fall asleep you know, by crying
It’s the easiest way for me..
If I don’t, I struggle to fall asleep
Because the voices in my head try to keep me up..
I’m sick and tired of all of this.
Many times I just want to say, “I’m done”
But it’s not that easy, it’s not that easy to just give up
I've tried, many times
And that just shows how much of a failure I am
Disappointing really.. //

have you ever felt tired of yourself?
tired in the sense that
you just don't want to be you anymore
you don't want to be where you are
in your life anymore,
it's not that you want to die
or **** yourself.
you're just ******* tired of being you.
you want to know what it would feel like
to be someone else..
you want to know what it would seem like
to see yourself from someone else's
point of view.
but you can't just switch bodies with someone,
can you?
and if you could,
would you?
even though you're tired of being you,
wouldn't you be afraid of what you might discover
and uncover in that person's mind?
wouldn't you be scared to see their thoughts?
especially if it's someone you love,
or even someone you're in love with.
i may seem brave,
but i'm not.
i know i would be afraid,
but i know that
i'm ******* tired of being me.
it's ******* exhausting seeing the same person in the mirror every ******* day.
it's tiring having the same **** thoughts.
but if i was someone else,
it'd be different.
don't you think it would be cool,
if you could be a new person everyday?
it would be cool, i think,
but i think it would also be tiring.
because you wouldn't be stuck to one person,
you would just keep moving
and transporting
to different minds,
different bodies,
and different souls.
you wouldn't know who you are.
so no matter what,
i think you'd be tired.
so my question for you..
if you're tired of yourself,
and you had the chance to be someone else,

*would you take it?

as I laid down, late at night
as the tears started
to flow right from my eyes
I remembered what it was like
when you would be by my side
I remembered what it was like
when you would wipe my tears away
and you'd say,
" baby, don't you cry,
    beautiful girls
       aren't allowed  to cry."
but I never listened
because I'm. not. beautiful.
so you weren't talking to me,
obviously.
and you were the reason why
I was crying anyway..
you don't know what it's like
to have your heart broken
into a million pieces
over and over again
until eventually
you feel like a corpse
in the world.
you feel like you don't
belong anywhere anymore.
you don't know what it's like
to feel as though
you've finally met the one
who'll stay by your side forever.
you don't know what it's like to think
that this person
who has entered your life
will bring the final puzzle piece
and put you back together.
but it'll take a while until you realize
that that person,
had a counterfeit.
the piece didn't fit perfectly
it was only an illusion
to fool you and it worked.
but you don't know
how that feels, do you?
well, I do
because that's all you've done to me.
I thought you were the one.
I thought I wouldn't have to
search for another guy.
but it seems as if
there might be no chance
of love for me.
or maybe I'm just too impatient
but how much longer
should I wait?
I've been waiting for what feels like
forever and I'm sick -
I'm sick and tired of waiting now.
I might as well give up
because I don't think
I'll ever truly get over you.
congratulations,
you've left your mark on me.
thank you,
for scarring me,
for life.

[June 2, 2014]

you put on your best clothes,
your makeup and everything else
that makes you feel pretty.

when you’re done,
you ‘smile’ and
take selfies.

then you realize
how sad you truly are.
all your smiles
all your laughter,
your eyes,
display sadness.

you begin to wonder where
the happiness you had have gone,
but you have no idea.
you thought you were strong,
but anything someone said about you,
made you cry
and want to die inside.

you were strong
but after everything,
and everyone who left.
you got weak. // dec 12 2013

there are reasons
why we do the things we do.
there’s a reason
why you ignore me
when I try my hardest.
there’s a reason why
you chose to love someone else,
even when I love you so much.
there’s a reason why I play
your favorite song over and over
until I remember all the lyrics.

there’s a reason why I love you,
but you don’t love me.
there’s a reason why she plays you,
but I don’t.
there’s a reason why I may not
be the one for you.

there’s a reason for everything,
but we just don’t know it.

just like how –

there’s a reason for you in my life,
but I don’t see it until I lose you.

sometimes things are meant to happen,
and you wonder why,
but that’s just the reason.
if you want to die, don’t go hurting yourself,
just wait because eventually you will
and when you do, you would have done
something or made an impact on someone.

(and that would be your reason to live)

which is why you should stay
for that reason. // dec 29 2013

The first thing he said was,
"Sorry, I'm not usually the type to cry,
but I loved her, I still do, I always will, forever."

No one knew what to say or even what to do,
persons came and hugged him,
but it didn't make him feel any better,
their hugs weren't going to bring her back.

"She's the love of my life, absolutely no one
will ever be able to compare to her,
but now she's gone and I'm alone again.
She always knew what to say, or what to do,
but she's not here now, so what do I do?
Everyone offers me their condolences and
I appreciate that, but it doesn't help, it really doesn't.
All it does is remind me that she's gone,
that she's never returning, that my baby is gone."

They all knew that talking to him now wouldn't help,
so they just sat there and watched him cry.
They just sat there,
wishing they could bring her back,
but knowing that they can't.

"I don't mean to be such a crybaby,
but when you lose the love of your life,
it's the worst day ever."

He walked away.

No one ever heard from him again.

He disappeared into thin air.

He didn't want to live a life without her.

So he lived a life dedicated to her. //