I want to tell him
that I’m scared,
that I’ve been here before.
And that the last time I felt potential like this it imploded;
I imploded.
But I don’t want to taint it,
You see I’m still hopeful
That maybe this time
Won’t end up laced with maybes,
Or what ifs,
Or open wounds pouring blood onto paper.
That maybe this time,
just won’t end.

I’ve not quite worked out whether I think it’s beautiful,
Or stupid -
The human capacity,
And pliancy,
And longing,
For love.

Only thing I’ve ever been really scared of is this cage
Been feelin this way since a tender age
Cooped up in this house and now I’m at this stage
Filled with “attitude” and unnecessary rage.

“No you can’t go there”
“Don’t cut your hair”
“Stay right there and don’t you dare give me that stare”
"Can't you see that we care?"

 
I’m 18 and I’ve never celebrated a birthday,
Yes, I get you, Jesus wasn’t grown that way
But are you gonna die if you say
“Yay, happy birthday,
Glad you’re a live to see this day
Keep on being strong, and never go astray,
Oh and here’s a small little cake” ?

 
And no I’m not upset, neither am I mad
But it makes my soul a bit sad
When friends boast and brag
Saying :”hey look at my new bag”
Showing it off as if they’re in some silly ad.

 
Never have I been to the movies or a play
I don’t even have to ask, it’s always nay, never yea
And it taunts me everyday
Then you have the audacity to ask why I am this way.

 
And no, I’m not asking to be like those kids that spend days partyin
Getting high and drunk to make their hearts feel  
In fact I doubt it’s even my scene
Doubt it ever will be
I just want to at least peep and see
If what I imagined is what I'll see,
Please, I want to get rid of this sense of curiosity.

I don’t beg but right now I’m going down on my knees,
For heaven’s sake, I just turned  eighteen,
This is my cry, this is my plea
Prison guards, can I be free?

i can feel you
distancing yourself from me
i can feel continental drift
i wonder, do the shoes
you wear to run from me
have holes in them?
or do you go barefoot
careful not to make a sound
in your retreat. "cover your tracks & don't look back" i imagine
your demons whisper daily
as you are growing fond of me
i wonder if your heart puts up a fight when you want to see me
or if it's a massacre
& the demons dance
on dreams you have
of us holding hands
do you wander to your car
only to find yourself back in bed?
do you put your makeup on
just to take if off again?  
is your imagination of me
a graveyard, or a pair of open arms
that are inches away
but just out of reach?
you see, what i've been so afraid
to tell you for so long,
why i feign sometimes
before speaking
careful not to tell you
all my unspoken promises,
it has to do with the night you had your head on my chest and confessed you never thought my heart
could beat like hummingbird wings:
i apologize for my silence
what i've been trying to say
is that my heart hasn't slowed down
since the day we drank coffee together
continents apart

ever since the first day i met you
all you've ever wanted
is just a cup of orange juice
nothing else
just that
and to me, that made you unique
different from everyone else
i won't forget the day i met you
the day i first heard your voice
the waiter asked your order and all you said was,
"Just a cup of orange juice, please."
i didn't get it -
i mean, why would anyone go to a restaurant
just for a cup of orange juice?
but you did it
as some sort of exploration
as some sort of research of cafes and restaurants
i thought that was pretty crazy when you first told me
but now i live to hear you ask me for orange juice
i love when you come home late at night
exhausted and you say,
"baby, get me a cup of orange juice please."
if you don't ask me for a cup of orange juice
i'll know for sure that something's wrong
because my baby, doesn't go a day without an orange juice. //

i don't understand
how is it so easy for you to get over me?
i thought you loved me
you lied
didn't you?
you fooled me
you pretended to be different
you pretended to care and love me
when you knew you only wanted to use me
why would you do that?
haven't i been hurt enough?
everyone in my life
who i tend to fall for
always hurt me
is it me?
it is,
isn't it?
i'm not worthy enough for anyone to truly love me
but in order for you to get what you need from me
you have to lie..
but you could have just told me the truth
but i guess you figured i'm used to being hurt
so it wouldn't be anything
right?
WRONG!
you actually made me fall for you
i fell for you harder than i fell for anyone else
and then you left
just like that
as if i meant absolutely nothing to you
but i guess i didn't
because then it wouldn't have been
so easy for you to leave me..
when will i find someone
who truly loves me?
when will i find
the one? //

I've wondered over and over how to start this
How to transform this into a true representation of my feelings
But then I realized that there are no words
Which could be written or even spoken
To fully represent heartbreak..
Heartbreak comes in many ways
In different lives
But my heartbreak has been caused by one I love
I felt heartbreak because I’m not loved back
Not the way I want to anyway..
I can be pretty jealous
Just like any other female out there
But I get jealous over people who aren't mine
Jealousy is a *****, huh?
Just like karma in a way..
I've tried my hardest
And my best to explain how I feel for you
But I know it makes no difference
(so why do I even bother?)
They say you can’t help who you fall in love with
But I wish I could
Because I don’t want to be in love with you
I don’t want to be in love with someone who doesn't even
Love me
I don’t want to be in love with someone who can’t even realize it
When they hurt me..
“What did I do to deserve this?”
A question I tend to ask myself everyday
Why did I have to fall for you?
Wasn't I satisfied with just being friends?
(Guess not)
It’s sad that I try so hard to lose my feelings for you
And nothing works
I've even tried to stop talking to you
But that only makes me feel worse
And loneliness eats me alive..
I’m sorry, I’m talking too much
(Aren't I?)
No one truly understands how I feel
And I fear that no one ever will
I fear that I will have to live with these feelings
And that makes me cry..
That’s how I fall asleep you know, by crying
It’s the easiest way for me..
If I don’t, I struggle to fall asleep
Because the voices in my head try to keep me up..
I’m sick and tired of all of this.
Many times I just want to say, “I’m done”
But it’s not that easy, it’s not that easy to just give up
I've tried, many times
And that just shows how much of a failure I am
Disappointing really.. //

have you ever felt tired of yourself?
tired in the sense that
you just don't want to be you anymore
you don't want to be where you are
in your life anymore,
it's not that you want to die
or **** yourself.
you're just ******* tired of being you.
you want to know what it would feel like
to be someone else..
you want to know what it would seem like
to see yourself from someone else's
point of view.
but you can't just switch bodies with someone,
can you?
and if you could,
would you?
even though you're tired of being you,
wouldn't you be afraid of what you might discover
and uncover in that person's mind?
wouldn't you be scared to see their thoughts?
especially if it's someone you love,
or even someone you're in love with.
i may seem brave,
but i'm not.
i know i would be afraid,
but i know that
i'm ******* tired of being me.
it's ******* exhausting seeing the same person in the mirror every ******* day.
it's tiring having the same **** thoughts.
but if i was someone else,
it'd be different.
don't you think it would be cool,
if you could be a new person everyday?
it would be cool, i think,
but i think it would also be tiring.
because you wouldn't be stuck to one person,
you would just keep moving
and transporting
to different minds,
different bodies,
and different souls.
you wouldn't know who you are.
so no matter what,
i think you'd be tired.
so my question for you..
if you're tired of yourself,
and you had the chance to be someone else,

*would you take it?