sometimes i feel as though
my mind was set
to self destruct,
and i just cant seem
to find the switch
to make it stop.
maybe that's because
it's buried beneath
the very thoughts
that set it off.

i'm in love with words,
but afraid of voices.
silence is both beautiful
and terrifying,
because thoughts just
never seem to sleep.
no one seems
to really understand,
because although
these voices
never stop talking,
the words themselves
are often too
quiet to speak.

slowed breaths and an aching heart,
shrivelled tissues and torn sleeves,
suddenly don't seem to exist,
suddenly don't seem to matter anymore.
because you've reached that moment when the world just explodes,
when you can't contain your emotions a second longer,
when everything you've ever wanted to say comes spiraling out in a jumble
of mixmatched words pocketed from years of love, hate, isolation and determination.
when you feel uncontrollable,
in a good way,
when you feel reckless,
but powerful,
when you feel so incompetent,
but on top of the world.
everything that's ever ended on a low note has been tuned up so that high voices and beautiful noise is all that you'll ever speak or hear again.

saturday was the day you left me
the day you walked straight out
of my life using the back door
you made me unlock after
it was shut tight due to
years of broken trust
and an isolated
heart.

you want to run away,
you want to feel free,
feel wanted,
feel a sense of belonging.
you want to go somewhere that people won't judge you for the aching words you cry out at 3 am,
or forget about you simply because you find bliss in life's simplistic beauty.
you want to travel the world
and meet people who do too,
meet people who's smiles don't outmatch yours but instead make it brighter.
you want to feel like the most careless and careful person out there,
you want to feel like you matter,
feel like it doesn't matter if you don't.
you want someone,
anyone,
to decode some of the nonsense your messy brain paints pictures of
and maybe someone to splatter some of their own onto your canvas too.
you want to argue with someone in an aggresively calm way,
and you want to find someone to make you hurt so painlessly that it's beautiful.
you want to find and utilize every gift you were born with
and to take up useless hobbies that will make you feel alive.
but most of all,
you want to find someone,
something,
somewhere,
to help you rediscover what it feels like to not just exist
but to actually live.

life used to come so easily
up until recently,
because lately i've been
feeling a bit blue.
i'm drowning in
a compilation
of unsolved puzzles,
and i can't seem to find
the right combination
to solve all of these troubles,
because these waters
are becoming
too deep.

when the sun sets
and everything turns
to silhouettes,
i know that darkness
falls close behind.

my family has always had these little traditions
such as eating together around the tv
or saying i love you before bed.
but what happens when these traditions start to change,
when the house becomes too big to keep us close together,
or when bed times don't exist because nobody seems to ever sleep.
it doesn't matter how much money was spent on counseling,
or how many ativans, zolofts and sleeping pills were popped,
nothing seemed to pull back the strings on the three puppets that were becoming more and more detached by the second.
the concept of money brought us together and pushed us apart,
the lack and the abundance,
the want and the need,
the ultimate destruction of our home.
our quiet home,
once full of laughter, love and emotion,
now an echoey cavern of aching memories that give me just the slightest bit of light to help me find my way.
what is the point of having these traditions,
if all they do is make everything sore to the touch at the memory of what once was,
and what will never be again.

i know for a fact,
that everyone fears lonliness
so then why do people think
that it's okay
to smother others with a blanket of isolation?
no one should have to fight so hard
just to feel like they even,
so subtly
exist.

take me by my hand,
take me through these streets,
take me up and around spiraling stairs until we reach your apartment's
abandoned rooftop.
take my breath away as we stare at the billions of lights and lives below,
in awe at the wonders
this world can create.
show me what it's like to feel special
by painting my existence
as it's own single light,
that helps brighten
this secluded nighttime sky.
make me realize that without it,
without you,
this world wouldn't be as blindingly beautiful.

i'm losing it again.
everything that
i worked for,
everything that
i tried so hard
to keep close,
i can feel
it all slipping
from my fingers
and i just can't
seem to get a grip.
everything is
moving too quickly
and i'm losing control,
because reality has
started to distort
and thoughts
are beginning
to take over.

line my heart
with city blocks
fill my lungs
with car exhaust
blind my eyes
with shimmering lights
make me feel
alive tonight

i'm stuck on the island of misfits
tracing signals in dry sand,
sending smoke through foggy air
and bottled messages across waveless water.

i dance around fallen trees,
and hop through burning fire
explore lightless caves,
and play with wreckless wilderness.

i'm as free as a trapped girl can be,
on this island of hopeful dreams
and warped realities.

maybe the reason i love the city
is because it is so
deadly still.
these concrete mountains
and paved rivers never
seem to move an inch or
take a single breath.
i'm becoming ok
with not being able to
see the clouds above
my head as they pass
with the wind,
because everything seems
easier when these buildings
block off the outside world.
i'm starting to want them
to enclose me and
if i'm lucky,
one day they'll
swallow me whole because
i just can't handle anymore motion,
and i don't think i'd be able to
say another goodbye.
so maybe i'll head to the city,
because all i really need
is the world around me to sit
still for a few moments
so i can actually take
a second to breathe.

i have a voice
yet it's hardly ever heard
drained out
washed away
existence nearly always forgotten
no matter how loud i scream
how much i breathe
how red i get
the crackling in my voice
and the tears down my cheeks
just don't seem to be loud enough for anyone to hear.
maybe one day
all the noise around me will fade.
maybe one day
i won't have to scream to prove that i am worthy of something more.
maybe one day
a whisper will be just fine.

i'm so ******* sick
of always being the one
to ask the questions.
why won't anyone
just ******* ask me
what makes me happy?
why won't anyone
just ******* ask me
how i'm actually doing?
why won't anyone
just ******* ask me
how much it hurts
to hear nothing but
doubt when you
ask yourself if
you matter enough
to keep going.

i want to explore wet concrete streets
at 2 am while staring at
twinkly reflective puddles
that help illuminate
this reoccurring nightly dream.
i want to witness this city
as lifeless as can be
so that i can hear the buildings whisper that being alone
and being lonely
will always be two very separate themes.

imagine what it feels
like finding out that every heavy
breath you take is
wasted on feeding
someone else's breathless
ego.

you're the skip in my chest
and the gasp in my breath
and i really need you
to let go of this hold
you have on me.
you're the stalking of my shadow
and you know it,
everything i will ever say or do
gets filtered through you.
let go of me
i don't need you to survive,
you **** me as a whole
and lately i've started to realize
that the bruises and the burns,
the remains of every part of me
i find are because of you,
because you hurt me.
because you fooled me with comfort
and buried me in my own mistrust.
when i look in the mirror
all i see is you,
when people look at me
all they see is you,
and that's really starting to scare
me because how do you
escape something
that you've become?

you know it's become a
big ******* problem when
you close your eyes and
all you can see is
your every worry
fear and emotion
compressed
into a pool of
endless flowing,
tormenting thoughts.

after years of concentrated thought
i still cannot fathom the words
i need to convey
exactly how i truly feel.
all that i have managed to uncover
is that regardless of the matter,
i just can't seem to be happy.

i've always
been okay
with being ordinary
but now i'm starting
to find holes
where happiness
should be

i'll never
fit in,
and i'll never
stand out.
all i'll ever do
is exist,
and i just
don't know
if that's enough
anymore.

this winter is a
rough one,
ice cold isolation
echoes inside
my body through
mazes of bones,
like loneliness
flooding through
city streets.
i can hear these
icicles begin
to shiver,
begging for me to
bring them inside,
but i think that
i'd rather just
stay out here.
this cold is
all that i have
ever known,
and the only way
that i know how
to live.

ever since you've started pushing me away i've forgotten how to breathe
because when the only thing you
ever hear is the screaming of
your thoughts and the
silence in your heart
you start to forget
that you exist
enough to
fight for
your
place
in
this
*******
giant world.

it hurts so much
to see someone
you love fall
out of your life,
but it hurts even
more to know
that you're
the one who
pushed them.

what's the point of fighting for a life that will never fill my hollow bones,
repair my fragile skin,
or pump my lifeless heart?
why do i try so hard to fill this emptiness inside of me with a world that once drained me of everything?
why have i wasted the years away staring at the ground
chasing an impossible reality,
when i should have been looking up at the goodness that was right there all along?
and most importantly,
why do i still let myself be tormented by these voices that tell me that the only way i'll be happy is if i have nothing.
after all, nothing seems to be everything nowadays.