This mighty beast,
What fur covers your back,
That these mechanisms haven't touched?
In what ways have we not polluted you?
These rusty chains lock you in this world,
Only to damage you,
Bringing strife.
Creatures of bone and decay,
In which ways will nature not take you back,
Uncoil the wires that fasten your skull,
Unmold the marrow from these pipes,
For how are we to save you,
From this nightmare?

Fickle,
Ever-changing,
Humans are evolving beings,
Who could know their thoughts?
Their feelings?
Constantly changing.

I heard a melody today,
It's rhythm at times thick as sweet honey,
Others crying out in agony,
Yet always beautiful.
Its tune reverberates in my soul,
Telling me to play on.

What do your pages say?
For I am blind and lost
I cannot read you.
Distance,
Misunderstanding,
The embers,
Are they still lit?

Doubt
Remorse
Fear
Loneliness
Worry
Gears  turning
Lost direction
Moving forward
Blindly

Oh you of sunshine and song,
Your fingers dancing across the keys,
Make the instrument sing,
As if all days are of spring,
Without a raindrop insight.

How much do you love me?
I realize this question is formed,
From uncertainty,
You are my sky,
My galaxy,
I wish to map every star,
And call them each by name,
How much do you love me?
You make my galaxies collide,
Stars collapsing and expanding,
Until only your image remains,
How much do you love me?
An ever - present worry,
Resounding in my thoughts.

Why do we mourn?
Because we lost something of value?
Or because our hearts have been touched?
Touched .... but how?
A gentle caress,
Lovely and sweet,
From someone you'll dearly miss.
Or was it a painful experience,
You'd rather forget?

Nostalgic you say?
You look back at slides and swings,
As if nothing but brightness became of them.
Friends & laughter,
Running free & wild,
The good old days when nothing mattered.
How could one be nostalgic,
Of something they never had?
I walked that thin, grey, concrete line.
A ghost,
Invisible.
Their mocking resounding in my memory,
Why would I mourn my past?
I was a captive,
Friendless,
Hurt,
Alone.
Family was never a way to escape,
I couldn't find peace from anguish,
Except for within Beauty.
The beauty of nature,
the beauty of writing,
The air through my hair when I swung.
How could I feel nostalgic,
When I see children playing?
Instead I conjure a prayer,
And wish that they don't end up like me.

A past removed,
No tears shed,
Why would I miss,
The recess laughter,
Resounding in my ears,
The fires of Hades,
Burning times most would find precious,
They haunt me,
A time to which I'd never return,
My present burning so much brighter,
Hope, love & light,
A future where I can finally smile,
So why would I dwell,
Finding myself nostalgic,
On ghosts of memory,
That tortured my soul,
And gave me reason to write?

Have you ever heard,
How her eyes are described?
Their blue as the ocean,
As deep as it's dephs,
And mysterious as the undertow.
This comparison is all too common.
Blue is always the sea,
Maybe the cloudy sky,
As her head is above the clouds.
But his eyes,
The sky isn't far enough,
The sea not deep enough,
His eyes portray the universe,
Glittering with it's stars,
Beyond our galaxy.
his emerald eyes hold fragments of comets and shooting stars.
Wishes and desires.
I can never read his vast stars,
How the fisherman could read the changing of the tides,
Or the shallow stream of stars to gaze upon.
But his eyes hold a universe's worth of stars,
So many I can't chart them all.
They shine with potential.

I am not a passionate person,
Or so I would tell you.
My cheeks blush at the thought of being kissed,
And physical affections are often turned away,
Feeling desire for someone is like a new language,
And I had little want to understand it.
No,
I am not a passionate person in the way most would believe.
But I am a passionate person.
Give my heart an emotion,
and my mouth will make it known.
Flood me in kisses,
and my hands will go to work on paper.
Writing my love for you is a fire,
It's flames devour your every action,
For I may not make myself known when it comes to body language.
But in the written word,
you will never live a day to question how my soul aches to show its affection.

Monochrome,
Boring,
Drag,
Tragedic,
That's what I was.
That's what my life used to be.
I faced recess war,
I became a ghost,
Disappearing from this world,
My nose always in a book.
Deemed weird,
Crazy,
Stupid,
Fat,
Clutz.
I was an outsider.
This town was a prison,
My own personal hell.
I couldn't escape.
I believed I deserved it.
Every word,
Every action,
Every tear,
I was worthless.
I had no hope,
No future.
Nothing lies beyond this town.
...
But there was
I found you.
All of you.
I found happiness,
Self worth,
Late night's spent joking,
Laughing,
Smiles.
I am not judged.
I am not shamed.
I am beautiful.
and treated as if I deserve to be told my worth.
...
Even so,
There is fear.
What if I lose this?
If In my happiness I forget how to live in loneliness?
People change,
They leave.
And I am too trusting.
My heart is given away freely,
But then it's shattered.
How many mosaics have I made?
How many times have I tried to fix my heart after being so deeply hurt?
Too many to count.
Can I really have a happy ending?
She who is so used to tragedy?



I hope so.

Your emerald eyes,
They shine in your joy,
But I can't see it.
The way a smile hovers above your chin,
How you laugh and joke,
Or the times you spend anxious or depressed,
I can't be there to comfort you,
I can't share my love with you.
Only these words I hope will make their way to you.
I'm missing you,
And it's tearing me apart.
Only 16 days until I'm in your arms once again,
But this summer has been an eternity.
I desire you.
To see your smile,
Hear your melodic voice.
My life is empty without you.
And so here I am,
Writing these words,
The only way I know to cope with my loneliness.
And so here I am,
Missing you my love.

I get easily jealous,
I know.
Whether it's past loves,
A flirty remark made,
Or even fictional characters.
I wouldn't call this jealousy "obsession"
That's what I felt towards 'him'
My first love.
I won't say It's not a problem,
But I also won't desert my own feelings.
After all,
My jealousy brought me to you.
I struggled with my emotions,
Believed I only looked up to you,
I refused to acknowledge this crush,
Until jealously made it clear as day.
It's a part of me,
A valid human emotion.
Say it's a flaw,
one of my faults,
but it has taught me valuable lessons.

Like a snowstorm,
You came crashing into my life.
Making me giggle,
And giving me happiness I had never known,
Snowflakes meeting my tongue were reminders of your kisses,
Your hugs came in flurries of snow angels,
As the cold snow surrounded me.
Your love warming me in its aftertaste.
And yet the summer came,
Making me long to see you again.
My love of winter is boundless,
But my love for you is an endless snowstorm.

I've always believed that I needed you,
That I had to be validated,
That parentless children could only be the sum of their genes. That my two shadows foresaw my only hope: a shadow myself. She, a mother who cant love, shown me her care recently.
But I no longer needed it.
I no longer craved it.
Her words though sweet - no longer held so much meaning.
Because I've met someone whose teaching me to validate myself.
To not speak so unkindly about who I am.
They tell me that I'm not a monster, and am special.
I've never felt more free or happier.
You, though someone I love,
cannot be my reason for living.
for you've proven untrustworthy,
In your lies and how my time is unimportant to you.
And so I shall learn to love myself.
I no longer need to attain that which is unattainable.

me - a princess trapped in loneliness,
A tower built over the years,
unable to escape my sorrow.
You - a knight in shining armor,
breaking these walls,
and in turn allowing my escape.
We flee from dragons,
spewing flames of hatred,
Form Sirens,
singing lies & deception,
From creatures created only in my nightmares.
But I don't want to be nothing more than a weak princess,
For you shelter and protect me,
I appreciate all you've done,
but now I must become my own knight,
not as to leave you behind,
or allowing your swordsmanship to become unnecessary,
But so I can be equal to you,
fighting both your & my inner demons together.
To shelter you as much as you shelter me.
To protect you as much as you protect me.
I will not standby any longer - a worthless princess,
but begin to learn how to wield my own blade.

Optimal Illusion
I wish that's all she could ever be.
A ghost,
Haunting me for a time,
but eventually the fear would dissipate,
Were I to be born of their flesh and blood,
were I their biology,
could I be happier?
Would this shadow in my mind disappear and happiness take root?
This constant fear,
lingering,
telling me I'm broken,
that there's something wrong with me.
My own demons hold little against me
and yet I take their lies and truths,
turning from them as they wave their daggers,
allowing my heart to be shred.
Spewing forth lies such as,
"I deserve this"
or
"I'll never be good enough"
I allowing my own pain.
I am unwelcome,
Unwanted,
all alone.
Or so I have always believed.
But could there be a future where all my sadness was only that,
An "optimal Illusion"?

I don't know what to say,
nor what words to use.
I was struck speechless by you.
Maybe it was embarrassment,
Maybe it was fear,
from those who haunt me.
Maybe it's just so new that I was caught off guard.
I really have no clue.
I felt numb,
cast between the gates of happiness,
and the cliffs of my own insecurities.
Caught in the firing of the bullets that question and caution.
"Don't become a monster"
"Be the perfect Model"
"Am I disappointing them further?"
"I don't even deserve love"
"How could someone feel like this for me?"
I want to cry to the heavens,
"I don't understand!"
And hope for a response ...
But do they still stand by me?
Have I been exiled,
Or do I sit in my father's kingdom?
I'm lost,
So very lost,
Wandering from home,
wishing for answers.
How could anyone love me?
Why am I confused over your desire?
Of two things I'm certain,
I love you
&
am confused

Smooth, gentle, kind caresses,
passion, desire, love,
Why do you crave me?
Why would anyone be driven mad by me?
I am simply me.
Plain, ugly, bothersome.
And yet you treat me as though I have value.
I am blinded,
unable to see any worth within myself,
so how can you see any?
How can you hug me as if the world might end?
How can you stand the sight of my tummy,
covered in stretch marks and fat,
squishy and disgusting under your touch.
Yet you call it a soft cloud,
as if you've never felt anything as comforting.
I am grotesque.
I despise my body,
I hate my looks,
and the terrible personality that follows.
How can you see light,
where all I know is shadow?
How could you love me,
how could you care for my flaws?
This leaves me hollowed in confusion.

I'm terrified,
not of you nor the things you do,
but of myself.
I'm scared of how I'll react,
Of awakening my inner demons.
That their influence will overtake me,
And I will fall as they did.
For the daughter of monsters could only be a monster herself
a cursed bloodline
You tell me time and time again, "Your not them"
"You didn't make their mistakes."
I was their mistake.
How can I be told that I'm not them,
when I can so clearly see the influence.
I see it in my hair's curly strands,
In my quiet eyes that hold back tears,
In my own talents and interests.
Their blood radiates through me.
"Your so much like me babygirl"
spirals through my head whenever she sees me.
I'm so much like them.
I have his chubbiness,
Her ****** features,
Their penmanship even looks like mine.
I have her temper,
His intelligence,
... So how?
How can I ever escape these demons  who loom around me?
I'm so much like them,
I'm so scared of finding their faults within myself.

Why do my words fail me,
when i need them most?
Wy can I not express,
these feelings you've brought upon me?
This embarrassment stems from being naive.
The newness of your kindness,
your passion and attention,
something I once believed impossible to receive.
But you came into my life,
a bird chirping a new tune,
bringing my life into spring.

Words Vanishing,
Thoughts Melting,
Vision Blurring,
Mind Racing,
Heart thumping,
Love Unending,
How can I express these feelings?
How can I put my thoughts to light,
And my feelings to life?
Do you know my love?
Do you even know,
What you do to me, my sweet?

it echoes loud and clear,
a thunderstorm passing by.
reverberating within my mind,
bringing with it flashes of confusion,
bolts of newfound understanding,
With it I have lost all sense of identity.
This diversity thunderstorm is new territory,
lands desperate for travel & discovery.
Who am I?
What do I feel is correct?
I'm lost wandering through the rain.

Did you know that I was adopted?
A child taken from her mother not long after birth.
Did you know that I had an other half - a twin,
but they soon died before formation.
Did you know that I live my life by holding onto high standards,
for fear of disappointment and further rejection.
Did you know how often I've been told, "I'm pregnant"
And could only wish for the child's demise.
Or how many times I've heard, "He's in jail, but will come for you"
About so many different people,
Did you know that throughout middle school I cried myself to sleep,
only because of the pain this still hold's in my heart.
Did you know that I hate lies more than anything,
But keep lying to myself and saying, "I'm fine"
That I wear a mask around her,
pretending to be the perfect daughter.
That their obsessions have became my fears,
That all these little things add up,
creating a void of sadness that unleashes at unsuspecting times,
that whenever I look into a mirror all I see is them -
a monster staring back.

What can you do when your eyes want to well up with tears?
When they fall to the ground,
dropping from their plummet?
When there's enough to flood the world into Atlantis,
and they refuse to stop coming.
Rivers, lakes, oceans,
they spread and widen,
deepening their depths as the new water is added,
rising from the sheer amount.
And yet you can't stop them,
your eyes refuse to quite producing the liquid.
...
But now after the world's demise you run dry,
every last tear has been shed,
and none will come.
Or so you had thought.
I've cried for far too long.

Silence fills the room,
the quite of everyone surrounding you living their everyday life,
but within me,
a hurricane sounds,
pounding in my head,
stuttering hurtful names,
drowning me deeper and deeper,
the longer I stay within it's waters all alone,
the harsher the waves turn.
A hurricane dwells within me.

Sparks burst,
so many dazzling colors,
They illuminate the sky with a multicolored passion.
Their trails of smoke an aurora in the night sky.
Flashes of gold interlace with greens and fiery reds.

I've been scheming so many things,
figuring out how to show my love for you.
I think I found the best way,
I know what I need to do.
And yet,
I hesitate.
Not because I don't want to go through with it,
I've given it plenty of thought,
but because I'm not courageous enough.
I've stood on stages,
dancing for hundreds,
read personal poems for groups,
Done new things by myself with the worry of messing up,
yet none have left me so anxious as this.
Yet it leaves me embarrassed.
Nervous for the day to come.
I know what I must do,
but this knowledge brings worry with it.

I've never felt flustered for so long,
Never have I turned so easily red,
and yet it's been on my mind so much,
I keep wondering - how can I tell you,
How can I explain in a way that won't embarrass me from head to toe?
And the answer is simple: There isn't.
For even the smallest of hints will be so minimal,
So many friends keep saying the same thing,
but I'm too shy,
too embarrassed,
It's not as though I don't want to,
Nor as though I can't,
It's simply new territory,
and I'm too shy to initiate such a thing.
I love them to the moon and back,
for millennium to come,
And this is the best way to surprise them,
to show my love,
my appreciation,
..... and yet I'm way too shy.
Plan C : Activated.

Passing quickly goes the hands of the clock,
bringing me closer to the day.
She hates this day,
the day she swears she was tricked,
her child being torn from her,
but that's not true.
For the babe would've died in her arms years ago.
But for me,
This upcoming day represents compassion,
empathy for others,
and now comes to symbolize the ever growing love that blossoms in my heart.
It was the day when I did not receive many cards or candy from classmates,
But instead drew home-made cards and handed out candy to everyone so in turn they would not go without.
It represents my love of everything romantic,
and a fleeing of the lonely forces,
that was once all I knew.
With each passing year this date comes to mean so many wonderful things,
And each year easily out dos the previous,
and so I welcome with outstretched arms my first Valentine's Day in a relationship.

She grew angry,
it wasn't for the first time.
She speaks her mind,
her mouth a fountain when she thinks somethings unjust.
Maybe she didn't realize you were busy,
maybe she was stressed,
Regardless of why,
She was angry.
Angry because I told her I text too much,
saying that that's impossible when your in a relationship.
Angry that I was moping after the dance,
and unable to put on a smile.
Angry that you were busy and didn't say bye to me,
Or let me know where you were headed.
I told her it was no big deal,
that you've been stressed,
that you've been busy.
But she seems so worried for me.
Though she really doesn't need to.
I understand what went on,
and I used to such things.
Maybe I was upset too,
maybe I cried,
but that seems to have become a normality that I can't escape.
I'm used to so much worse,
Being ignored,
Being teasing,
hated,
a misfit,
I'm used to them all,
So why can't I get used to not being with you?
To the point of my eyes welling up with tears?
I thought I lost them all,
That they shriveled away when he left me.
And yet,
here I am again.
Balling my eyes out,
but this time,
for no reason to be found.

Why can't I believe,
that in your heart you hold something for me?
Even a glimmer of love I mistake for empty words.
And yet I know you,
these aren't lies your spouting forth,
and they come from your heart.
You love me,
I just have grown numb to feeling your passion.
I am incapable of understanding that you reciprocate these emotions,
that we feel the same.
And yet you make it so plain to see.
Even a short day being unable to see you,
I hate how much it weakens me.
How much disgust I hold,
a gun pointed at my heart,
for how much I miss seeing you,
When you were here only moments ago.
And yet,
My ever-flowing tears seem to well up,
just because I miss you.
Perhaps I will create an ocean,
or flood the world.
Creating a new Atlantis from my tears.
It's not that you made me sad,
That would never be the case.
When I see you,
I swear I fly to the moon and back,
Joy my fuel,
a full tank set in motion.
I wish that light would not have it's shadows,
that only joy could exist in this life,
But darkness adds the light to happiness,
making it seem to much brighter.
I just wish that my emotions wouldn't be so severe.
And I could one day realize that you love me,
these feelings are reciprocated.

My loved one,
I know you care,
that your heartbeat beats as one with mine,
a resonating sound,
A tuning fork that hums in the same rhythm as mine.
There are days when we're so alike,
so connected,
and all I want to do is to burst from smiling.
But why do these emotions taint these happy thoughts?
Why must I be so insecure?
So afraid that you'll fade from sight?
As though I'm happier at seeing you,
than you could ever be to see me?
Not that I could blame you,
Not that I don't understand.
I'm not someone people should get attached to.
My sweet,
these insecurities are rooted in a friendship I've made long ago,

Loneliness is my friend,
and with it no one else will come.
Or if they do,
It is nothing more than a brief encounter,
for I am invisible,
and any friends that I meet will surely leave me.
And yet by saying so,
I feel as though I'm underestimating my friends.
That's not the case,
Its just all I have ever known -
The covers of loneliness I have lived in,
Who else has comforted me as much as solitude?
Who was there on those days when I wondered the darkness at recess,
When words were said,
bullets fired from their mouths,
And I, a transparent apparition,
could do nothing but exist without truely living.
Loneliness was by my side,
whispering how it will always stay by my side.
Conditioning me to trust him.
Earning my loyalty,
that will not easily fade no matter how much I wish.
Nothing in this world is permanent.
I will wither and die,
much like you who hear these words.
You cannot possibly say that you can stay by my side.
Everyone else has faded from my life,
These new friends are sure to either hate the real me,
or move on with their daily lives,
I,
a passing existence.
A number,
in the multitude of masses of souls drifting through this world.

I’m afraid of Losing.
Afraid that I’m losing myself in your eyes,
That I’m losing to reality as I fall more and more for you,
That your losing patience with me,
And will leave.
Although I couldn’t blame you for it.
I’m a natural disaster,
Who couldn’t see herself in a brilliant light,
Even if it were magnified a hundred fold,
You’re collapsing,
Stress feeding your emotions,
And I can’t do much to help.
I’m afraid.
Afraid of losing you,
But I don’t want to hold so tightly as to scare you away.
As you see my true self more and more,
This feeling grows,
That I’m losing hold,
And soon you’ll slip.
That’s why,
I’m afraid of Losing.
Afraid of Losing you