I remember visiting my mom in rehab as a child. I didn't understand the extreme pain most of these patients were going through and I especially didn't understand why my mom was here. I only have good memories of that place. Our moms met there and that's how I became best friends with your sister. I remember the smell of your oak wood home in the middle of the woods and the huge fireplace in your mostly glass living room. Whenever i enter a house and smell a fire place it instantly takes me back to your home. I remember little baby blue nipping at my feet as I ran across the huge field you had in your backyard and jumping on to the trampoline while we laughed at the fact that Blue couldn't reach us up there. The old broken down tractor at the edge of the woods that we would pretend to drive all the time. My mom slept on your couch and I would visit for the huge fancy meals your mom would make for us all. At that time you were several years older than me and you knew what was going on. You understood that the probability of you ending up like our parents is at a higher percentage than most. I understood nothing. I don't know what happened between our parents but I didn't see you guys for several years after I entered junior high. Fast forward to my first year in college and there was your sister standing at my front door. Friends of friends is how we found each other. I knew this couldn't have been a coincidence and that's a lot coming from someone who doesn't believe that there is a meaning to life. We catch up and reminisced on old times spent together before we exited our childhood. It's almost as if we had never seperated. Several weeks later an unrelated friend told me how he had caught someone doing heroine in the hyvee bathroom while he was working and had the cops take him away. That same night your sister called me to tell me you were in jail. You stayed in the same rehab facility our mothers had and your sister told me how everything was exactly the same but how strange it was to see it all in the eyes of an adult. I finally met you one last time while I was at work and I noticed how happy you made her and how big the smile on your face was. The kindest eyes I had ever seen in my entire life. Several months later they found you dead from an overdose on heroine at you house in Oregon. I brought your sister flowers expecting her to be devastated but she seemed calm and only wished to be outside with her friends. A week later she broke down in my bathroom for the first time.
I had never before attended a celebration of life but as soon as I showed up I knew you would have loved it. We swam in the river with all of our clothes on to cool off and I let everyone hotbox my car several times just to help cope. I ran away from my mom upon her arrival because I knew I reeked of ****. You would have found that hilarious seeing as though i'm nearly 21 and you know the stuff our mothers did together when they were younger. I met your girlfriend and although she seemed at ease it broke my heart to see such a beautiful small yet strong woman go through what has happened. We all sat around a huge bonfire with glow sticks and fire dancers doing tricks in front of us. I watched your mom and your sister do the most beautiful spiritual dance around the fire. Even though they had no idea what they were doing it nearly brought me to tears. Your family loves you Ryan, Your friends miss you and I am happy that you have been given the chance to move on from this universe and hopefully start over somewhere new.

the many times I fell in love with you:
1.) the first time we hung out alone and we were kissing for the first time and you pulled away and made a face that read "Oh **** I really like her" and all I could think was how much I loved that face and how nobody ever looked at me that way
2.) the night I was driving you guys everywhere and we were all high and I was ******* because I didn't know where I was going to stay the night but you kept looking at me with these really worried eyes that made me feel better
3.) when I fingered you on my kitchen counter and When we were done instead of kissing me you just hugged me and I never felt so loved in my life
4.) that same night and it was like 6 in the morning and the first alarm woke us up and instead of getting up you put your arm around me and we fell back asleep
5.)the next day I came over and you thought I was asleep so you started singing in the shower and it was the most beautiful voice I had ever heard
6.) the last time I spent the night and we just watched movies and ****** all night
7.) last Friday night when you fell asleep on me in the car and my nose was filled with your scent and the fact that there was another living being with a body and mind beyond my comprehension was leaning on me made me very happy and in love
8.) in the field when I finally told you I loved you
9.) every time you just randomly grab my hand that ***** good

My dad used to tell me that I shouldn't like boys because they were no good.
I used to believe that there was no way to avoid getting pregnant and that it just happened.
The first time I ever masturbated I was sure there was a baby inside me.
I used to blame my dad for me being gay.
I used to think that you were one of those "good guys" that everyone told me I would find.
Everyone told me it was my fault for ******* you and I believed it.
I knew you were falling in love with me but I didn't want you to leave.

Even though my whole body was shaking as you slid your hands up my clothes,
you wouldn't stop
Even though I told you about my past and you saw that I was frozen in fear,
whenever you pinned me down you didn't stop.

I now know that i'm gay because that is just how my brain is wired
when you jokingly told me the ****** broke I still didn't get pregnant
I now know that there is no such thing as a "good guy"
there are only people and their morals
I tell everyone that I hate you but the only way I could stop talking to you was by moving away.
I'm not in love with you but I miss our all nighters and the dinners we would make for each other.
you made me feel like i was the only one that mattered and that i was the most stunning and powerful woman in existence.
Although I plan on never seeing you again I am still stumped about the way you made me feel.
our relationship was just as messy and confusing as this poem
you are officially the most mysterious thing that ever happened to me.

I dream about the curve
of your nose it matched the way
your waist shaped
itself over the years I could always see
your pores but when I kissed the bridge
leading to your forehead
I couldn't feel them
Pilot G-2 0.7 on my arm "I love
you more than my own skin" you don't
but I still do sorry
I ruined your summer I’m not actually
sorry I just can’t stop dreaming
about your nose
that one time you pierced it
at that sketchy shop
at the age of 15 and they closed
about a week later
that was when we discovered
our favorite restaurant if I were to eat
there now I would probably throw up
all over the food bar I am truly
sorry I had to make you hate me. I wish
you were sorry for losing the ring
I bought for you
maybe if it didn't get left behind

a fetus through my ear
and down my pocket
Life's Little Treasures
in a field drenched with rain
a trophy lands in my backseat
we peel out of the park
they all stare
your doll hands grab
at the Xanax filled tube
courtesy of your mom's boyfriend
who happens to have a wife
your brother slips into layers of boxers
he checks his new watch
refusing to spend a penny more
we exit
simultaneously we notice
our organs are missing
I tell you, you can keep it
forever

in the dark your fingers brush my
lips you lean into my ear and whisper
you choose my love, sweet or sour
my fragile ego goes with sweet
after time goes by my feet in which
what carried me withered away
as your child like crush followed
in my footsteps but my craving for
you stayed until it killed me

She gives me her sweet smile
over dramatic and eyes scrunched up
I play her my most softest music
It comes from a speaker sitting on her dashboard
Her radio hasn’t worked in years
Even though she doesn’t know the words she hums along perfectly
I glance towards her hands on the steering wheel
I admire how soft and full of talent they are
she is missing her left knuckle
Her hands look like mine but hers don’t shake like mine do
You must have steady hands to paint
I do not paint,
I write and play video games and catch frogs
She paints and reads and loves wine
I love when she is wine drunk
She will hold my hands and sit closer to me
tells me she loves me
calls me her "sweet friend"

afraid to close your eyes at night
you think of the pieces painted on
the back of your eyelids
less like Van Goghs Starry Night
more like Francisco Goya's Saturn's Sun
the walls of your mind holding black paintings
Quinta del Sordo
you are engulfed in them forgetting your roots
roots that have been torn from the earth
from a hand that now wraps around your waist
pulling, pulling, pulling
you awake and realize the hands are from a girl
who paints cherry blossoms in your mind
instantly you feel warmth rush through you
as you press your tear stained cheek
against hers

hyped up on amphetamines
I see flashes of his hands coming
down on her each and every strike
harder than the next
                                                            ­                                you stupid ****
mimicking the moves we form
our own version of the waltz
playing this dangerous game almost
every night not knowing when to stop
we take things too far but its okay
                                                            ­                                 it's okay, I swear
I am my own mom and you are my dad
your powdered face and beady eyes
nose bleeding you ask why I love you
I cant answer and it's your turn
it's always your turn but I don't mind
because I love you I will always
let you go first if you want