I know you never loved me.
Or if you did,
It was only ever for a moment.
Which then demands the question,
Was that even love??
Love is not short and fleeting.
Love is lasting and intentional.
You never loved me, I know.
But sometimes it is nice,
To rearrange those memories
And pretend that one of those smiles,
Meant something.

What hurts me most
Is not knowing
Your heart has no desire for me.
What hurts me most
Is not the knowledge
That I will never have you.
What hurts me most
Is knowing
That the one who has you
Will never truly love you
Just for who you are.
Oh I know she will love your beautiful parts.
She will laugh at your jokes,
She will live for your body,
She will smile at your crazy, carefree antics.
But she will never love your ugly parts.
The parts you hide away from her.
The parts of you I know.
What hurts me most
Is knowing
That she will grow irritated
By your bizarre, obsessive habits.
What hurts me most
Is the knowledge
That she will learn to hate
Your shaking, angry lip.
What hurts me most
Is knowing
That there will be nights
When you fall asleep
With the person beside you
Never telling you
That she loves
Every dark part,
Every lovely part,
Every strange part,
Every joyous part,
Every monstrous part,
Every part of you that makes up you.
Every part of you
That I love
(And I love,
And I love,
And I love)
Behind my silence
And pleasant facade.

It's not about what you say
How you say it,
How much you say.
It's about being next to you
When it happens.
The peace of knowing that you and I,
We breathe the same air,
For a moment.
Only a moment.
But this moment in time,
Is ever more beautiful
Because of it.

It wasn't until they pretended to love me
That I felt the most alone.

We take this ride in silence.
Not a word,
Not a cough,
Not a single glance.
I wonder why we go visit your mother
When it only ever upsets you,
And I know that for the next three days
I will only hear five or six words from you.
I wonder when this became us:
Sharing everything from bathroom to bed,
Yet as close to strangers as we could be.
I wonder when you stopped smiling,
And if I thought hard could I place a date.
My mind runs back to the day
I bought you that Lewis Carroll book.
You had tears in your eyes,
As you pressed the open pages to your chest
But I had never see you smile brighter.
I wonder why we never mention your father
And why you feel you have to fight so hard
For your mother's approval.
I wonder what happened that night
When you pushed me onto the bed
And started drowning me in cigarette kisses.
But the moment I placed my hands on your frail body
You pushed me away,
"I don't need your help,
I can undress myself."
I wonder what I did
That turned you into a widow
In a bride's body.
I wonder if this Jericho between us
Will ever shatter
If we yell loud enough.
And as we take this ride in silence,
Your body turned away from me,
Staring out the window,
Your eyes slowly closing,
I wonder how much longer we will last.

I saw the way you smiled at her
And in that moment I realized
That you and I will never be.
Not because you love her so
But because I would never allow it.
Your happiness is always first.
It is all that matters to me.
And in that moment it was clear,
She made you happier than I am ever capable of.
I watched her give you something that I can never give:
Joy upon your face.
All I have ever given you
Is my worry,
Paranoid apologies,
Desperate tears,
And the promise to love you unconditionally
Forever and ever.
But I can not make you happy
So you will never be mine.

I hate being with you.
Because I love being with you.
My heart leaps upon seeing you.
My stomach drops at your presence.
It is wonderfully foolish.
You give me peace,
You give me comfort.
You are my home in a strange place.
You make my smiles real,
And you taught me how to cry.
You make life worth living
And you are the only thing
That makes me fear death.
You are my best friend.
You are my whole world.
You are my only light.
You have my whole heart.
I love being with you.
But I hate being with you.
Because being beside you
Makes me remember
That you belong to her.
You will never be mine.
Being beside you,
I feel alive.
I feel love,
I feel tomorrow,
I feel miracles,
And I feel the universe.
But being beside you,
I feel pain.
And the world may crash around me
And burn me to my bones,
And still I will never feel truer pain
Than when I am beside you.
Beside you
Ready to give you my all,
But you oblivious and content
Because she already is your everything.

Oh you old man.
How could you love her,
A girl so young and beautiful??
Simple.
Because she is the sun.
She is life.
Her blushed cheeks are your mornings.
Her braids are your sanctuary.
Her spirit is your air.
They will tell you you don't belong,
You with the face of a troll
And she a goddess in grace.
But you know the truth.
You two were made for each other.
So hold her.
Cover up your ears and hold her.
Hold her close,
Hold her long,
Till death do you part.
Hold her.
Hold her and never let her go.

I see you.
I look at you, and I see you.
And it makes me angry
When she looks at you
That all she ever does is look.
She never sees.
She just looks at you.
She looks,
Completely unaware
Or simply unmindful
To the miracle of having
Earth's most beautiful being before her.
Fully knowing what I would give
To know it for a moment.
I am done asking her
If I can have you.
I have grown and selfish desire has left me.
I simply beg her to see you.
She can not see.
And she will never see.
She will only ever look.
Forever will she only look at a man
Whom she will never love
The way he should be loved.
The way he deserves to be loved.
The way he could be loved.
The way that I do.

I am sorry that I can not love you.
I do not.
I am sorry that I can not pretend
Just to be with you.
For though I may not love you
I know what is fair.
And you deserve to be loved honestly
Not by someone who pretends
Just to appease you.
I am sorry that I can not want you
Despite how hard I try.
I search for what matters
And it is there
But I have no desire for it.
I am sorry I can not love you back
Though you have done everything right.
You are beautiful
And you have the kindest soul.
But I do not want you.
I do not love you.
I am sorry.

You spoke as strongly as your father,
But you with a sense of restlessness.
I had never seen sadder eyes.
I had never seen someone more determined.
You stood taller than the sycamores
And stronger than the osage.
Your back was baked by the sun
And your hands chiseled by the earth.
I believe the spirits wanted us,
That they secretly cheered for our victory.
That they did not fear us breaking tradition,
For the sake of maintaining life's greatest tradition.
You told me your mother loved me,
But she was no match for your father.
She would not even dare.
She believed in fear in marriage.
Your father is a good man,
I know.
But he has a legacy to uphold.
So it remains as it is.
You in your world
And I in mine.
Fully intended to be together.
Destined to be apart.

I do not quite know
How to welcome death anymore,
For she is such a frequent visitor.
I no longer greet her
Or take notice when she knocks at the door.
I know she has a key.
Every time is the same:
She walks right in,
Never asks permission.
She touches everything
And fills every corner of every room.
She only ever stays a few weeks.
Just long enough to make a mess,
And then she packs her bags.
But when she is gone
And we survey the damage,
We see she has put everything back in its place.
She does not want to look like the enemy.
But she can never be too careful.
She leaves fingerprints on everything she touches,
To remind us she was here.
To remind us she will be back.

Oh to drag my shaking fingers
Through the cracked Arizona ground once more,
Your dark face staring back at me
Sitting upon the land your fathers promised you,
Promising to stand beside you
As you battle the salted waters.
Oh I would give it all back to you,
My sweet love from a land beyond.
This earth that rightfully belongs to you
And the cracks upon her face,
The junipers in their genorosity,
The moon, a goddess in all her radiance.
I would give it all back in a heartbeat,
Heavy as the thunders in monsoon.
I would give it all back to tell your fathers
That you never failed them,
Even when they came to you with guns.

One of the greatest problems I see with relationships today is that most people see *** as the key to a successful relationship instead of a result of a successful relationship.

And though I know I should, I just can not let you go. For I am convinced that you are the most beautiful thing that has ever entered my life, and I would be a fool to let you walk away.

It's how the greatest stories all begin.
But someone usually dies.

The difference between us
And everyone else
Was that everyone else
Lived as a part of something bigger,
All realizing
That they were destined to die.
We on the other hand
Were two lost wanderers,
Unaware of a picture at all,
Both desperate
And determined to die.

I watched you breathe your last,
And, oh, how it was marvelous.
You opened the door,
Greeted death with a kiss to the cheek,
And gracefully stepped into eternity.
I had never seen such dignity.
I am certain they assigned you
The angel at the gate,
With a beauty too grand
Even for the heavens.
I am sure you are adored.
I only wish I had gone with.
If it is something lovely,
Send me an invitation.

I don't know if I'll ever see her again,
This one I trusted to be my forever.
This is not forever.
This is a day and days without her.
She doesn't want to be bothered.
She doesn't want to be better.
I hate myself for respecting it.
She's gone somewhere far away,
But never more than a phone call away.
I pray her face never fades from my mind
As I may never see her again.
Still, even now, all I can recall
Is the snow covered bridge she sat upon,
The snow soaking into her jeans
And an icy storm in the water below.
She stared so deeply into that storm.
She used to say, "Home."
She always whispered, "Home."
She doesn't want to be bothered.
She doesn't want to be alone.

Every morning,
When he takes a moment to recall her,
Two memories hold all the memories:
The way she would laugh at things
That had never before seemed extraordinary,
And the way she would cry
Over things he never knew were sad
Until she started to cry.

You came without warning,
Your feet held no footsteps.
You entered in
And tied our hands behind our backs
With thick, sweet lies
And a false sense of security.
You locked the door behind you
And made us hostages,
Trapped by a thousand impossible promises.
You stole our peace at night,
Replacing them with terror
With the very same hands
That tucked us into bed.
You mentally ***** us
With your cowardly threats
And mind shifting chants.
We were left victims
And you were left victor.
Yet we wish not for our freedom
Nor our innocence back
(Though countless are the hours
We would fight to taste these again).
We only wish
That you had not broken our ankles
So that we may warn the others
Before you break down the door.

It was in that moment
That I knew you were the one,
For when you touched me,
My hand did not pull away from your grasp,
And the terrifying memories
Stayed far away where they belong.
No questions or hesitations,
No shutters as before,
Just my heart leaping with feelings of ecstasy,
Praying that you never let go.

I wish that I could give it up.
That it were only a license
Expiring over time.
But alas, it is inborn,
A divine curse, artistry is.
A curse for there is no choice.
Had there been a choice I would have ran
Far into the opposite direction.
For you could not know unless it were you.
As others only see the births,
And are ignorant as to what it is
To live with the mother inside you.
I fear she has a plan to **** me
And to use me as her means.
She plans to steal my sleep from me.
To convince me I do not deserve rest
Until his face emerges from charcoal
Or until I find a way
To make horses in water a metaphor.
She plans to make me mad
And in this moment holds the lead.
I have forgotten to eat.
I am paranoid every hour.
Someone is watching,
Something is lurking.
Sounds make me cry.
Lights hurt my eyes.
I feel people in my bed.
Even now as I write this,
There is a man standing before me
(That I am certain is not real),
Clothed in white
With an outstretched hand,
Oh so inviting.

Please don't do that.
Please don't kiss me and remind me of what could be,
Visions of waking up to that kiss,
If only, if only you didn't love her.
Right as I fully dedicate
To letting my heart forget you,
There you go again.
You kissed me
"As a friend."
Some nerve you have.
Thinking you can,
Because it's on the cheek,
Therefore it's nothing.
Thinking it's nothing,
Thinking I'd think it's nothing
After you broke my heart.
Please, please don't do this.
Kiss me and walk away
With her in your arms.

Allow me to love you,
To squeeze your hand without reason,
To approach you and kiss you
Completely without warning.
Allow me to love you,
To spend my waking hours by your side,
And my nights listening to your heart beat.
Allow me to love you,
To touch you without guilt,
To proclaim my adoration for you
Void of hesitations.
Allow me to love you,
To simply look at you,
To know you are mine.
Allow me to love you,
To shout it out without shame,
To love you wholly, intensely,
Without inhibitions.

When I picture my own funeral,
I see a young person in a box.
She is never old.
And though I am sure my family is there,
I forget to paint them in.
I see other young people
Sad, but mostly occupied
By whispering of my newly exposed secrets.
And the people I truly care about,
The only ones with nice things to say--
Simeon the ice cream man,
Ronny the busker,
Adam the hobo,
Maria the dream and Maria the ghost,
Hoodie Man the hero,
And Chris the ****** addict,
Are nowhere to be found,
For how could they have heard the news?
And a few years later,
When they realize I have not made an appearance
In quite some time
They will wonder what happened
To that girl they called solitude
And smile because they can only assume
That most likely I finally left the country
To follow my dream
And try to be happy.
And they will live the rest of their lives
Completely unaware
That my grave longs to be pressed on
By their feet
And my flowers watered
By their tears.

Be brave. Spark a conversation.

Please don't stop speaking.
Please don't ever stop.
Though I refuse your eye contact
And look away,
Believe me when I tell you
That I hear every word.
I love every word.
You could speak of nothing at all,
Ignoring that talk of death I'm so fond of
And still I'd want you next to me
Speaking in that voice
That makes you sound like you're terrified.
Please don't ever stop.
Even as I look up at you
Through eyelashes and half closed lids
Weeping like death just walked in,
Please don't ever stop speaking,
Confused as you may be.

If it happens I shall die tonite,
As it seems to me, and I fear I might,
I pray that you remember me
As the artist I had hoped to be.

If in my sleep my last breath
Succumbs to the call of death
Please remember all the love I made
And do not be shy to remember the hate.

If tonite I shall die while in my bed
(Though I wish I could stay and not be dead)
See my blue lips and remember Adam's song.
With the words under my sheets so you may sing along.

I'm hanging by a thread.
I have no fight left in me.
Turn over your shoulder
And you will no longer find
The man willing to stand for himself.
Instead, in his place,
You will find a small child
Weeping at your feet,
Begging you not to cut the thread
That's keeping my heart beating
Slow, like a heavy dripping faucet.

Two a.m.
And I stare up towards the ceiling
At a moth circling my light bulb.
I wonder what is so attractive
About my tiny glass sun
And am curious to know
Where the moth will go
When the sun burns out.
And as I stare at this moth
Hypnotized, determined in love,
I debate whether or not I lied to you,
As I slip my hand into my pillowcase
Searching for a sleeping pill
The same size and shape
As Manhattan.

If I possessed all the knowledge in the world,
I would give it all up
Just to know where you went
And if you are alright.
I cherished every glance at your face
And every glance you gave to me.
Had I known my time for those opportunities would be so short,
I'd have cherished them all the more.
I never knew your name,
And I never needed to.
But to know of your safety,
I would give the world.
My heart aches as I question
Whether or not you are still alive,
For the last few times I saw you,
You appeared to be fading away.
Your skin was so wrinkled,
Your face so burdened.
What I would have given
To hold your face in my hands
And smooth out each wrinkle with my thumbs.
It's just a silly idea
Of making you young again,
With some crazy hope
That you and I could be together.
I swore I'd never loved you.
I knew nothing else about you
Except your physical appearance--
Not to be considered handsome.
But to me you were beautiful.
Your sunken, hollowed eyes,
Your muddy curls,
The shape of your figure,
And the age of your face.
You were the one I longed to know.
But this time I fear
You are gone for good.
I never knew your name,
I never knew your story.
All I knew is whom you reminded me of,
And I know how that eventually was separated,
And how you and you alone
Were the one whom I would give
All my years for one night of holding close to my chest,
Where we'd never learn each other's names,
But you would learn the warmth of my *****
And the rhythm of my heart.
And I would know you.
And that would be enough.

The feeling of his arm around her
Brought upon new feelings,
A comfort and security
That made her wish      
She could remain there forever.
But the feeling of his arm around her
Also brought back memories
That made her throat tighten,
Made her stomach lurch,
And made her pull away
Like a dog beaten one too many times.

Such a strange phenomenon
To wake up missing the person
Sleeping soundly next to you
Knowing that what you once had
Has left with the August storms,
Back to the sky
To be carried away
For the use of another.
I suppose it is only fair
To let others have a chance
At what we had.
Someone was kind enough
To do the same for us.

The sound of the wind chime      
Is enough to break a tired soul,  
With its ringing so lonesome and low--
Cold.            
Like the floor you slept upon
While you were becoming a man,
With the radio
Somewhere in the distance
Humming songs about the river
And the promise you made to him
To love his daughter.